Story Introduce myself

[Tomey]

Hi , i am 36 years old from israel.
I suffer from rare neurologic chronic pain disease.
I battle this illness for 13 years, i even did a brain surgery.
Now the pain not responding to medications.
I not working for 3 years and on disability...
My life now is chronic pain from the moment i open my eyes until I go to sleep.
I live in my parents home, in a dark room depressed while they making fun and they travel aboard every 2 months...
They just come back from a trip to Vietnam a month ago...
They don't understand my pain and tell me all the time to learn to live with the pain, but this not a back pain... (not disrespect back pain)
All they want is for me to live so they can continue their routine life and don't suffer temporarily from losing me...
I am not so much a person to lose anyway... i become a shell of a person.
I can't stand watching them having so much fun while i rooting.
Its not an easy ride for them and i bring sorry to their life but still, they continue their lovely life/routine.

I tried to commit suicide 2 times with no success, one time i swallow 50 pills of clonazepam with some vodka, didn't work.

One time i closed all the windows (while no body was at home) and opened all the coking gas, didn't work.

I flirted a little with the rope but never did it to the end, i don't like it...

My favorite is a gun or some nembutal, both are almost impossible to obtain in israel.

Is there some one from israel here that know how to get a gun trough the black market ?

I wily dont want to end with the rope or an exit bag (also hard to obtain here but more possible).

Dignitas is not an option, i talked with them a little, to much birocratic and a possibility to lose 5k dollar for nothing.

 

[21Neberg]

Welcome to the forums! Guns are hard to get in my country as well, which I why I have decided to try hanging. It isn't an easy method, but I'm sure I'll get it down.
If you're sure you don't want to use the hanging/exit bag methods, have you thought about jumping yet?

 

[Tomey]

Welcome to the forums! Guns are hard to get in my country as well, which I why I have decided to try hanging. It isn't an easy method, but I'm sure I'll get it down.
If you're sure you don't want to use the hanging/exit bag methods, have you thought about jumping yet?

No... jumping is not an option, i probably will try exit bag before or last case scenario an hanging.
How is the nembutal market today ?
Is there verify dealer ?

 

[21Neberg]

No... jumping is not an option, i probably will try exit bag before or last case scenario an hanging.
How is the nembutal market today ?
Is there verify dealer ?

There's one confirmed Nembutal dealer as far as I'm aware, and his name is A from Mexico. People on this forum have paid him in bitcoin and received their N.

 

[TheCrow]

Man, I really feel for you. I also suffer from a neurological pain disorder. Fortunately mine responds to meds, but I can't walk. I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. I'm sorry that your life is like this, & I'm sorry your family is so unkind. I am using the nitrogen and exit bag method. I don't know how hard it is to get a tank in Israel, but perhaps look into it.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Hi, I am also from Israel.
Obtaining a gun here is out of question of course, gelium probably dilluted with air because of economy reasons but idk, nitrogen probably available but I don't know if you need to show a license to buy it, and bag method seem overcomplicated to me.
Did you think about h.roin + benzos overdose? My former dealer told me once he could get, but he wasn't very reliable.
I know there are tons of drug addict

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Also I believe A don't ship to Middle East :(

 

[Tomey]

Also I believe A don't ship to Middle East :(

I am not sure we are considere middle east when it comes to global shipping...
We are more European in this regard.

I believe the problem is more with arab states.

Did you check this out with A ?

 

[Tomey]

Hi, I am also from Israel.
Obtaining a gun here is out of question of course, gelium probably dilluted with air because of economy reasons but idk, nitrogen probably available but I don't know if you need to show a license to buy it, and bag method seem overcomplicated to me.
Did you think about h.roin + benzos overdose? My former dealer told me once he could get, but he wasn't very reliable.
I know there are tons of drug addict

h.roin is probably very easy to get, but you can never know how much to take, its not come in a pharmaceutical grade dose...

A gun is not so hard to get if you have 20k shekel and you know some one that know some one etc...unfortunately i don't know some low level criminal guy

 

[mahboob]

Where can I find this A?

 

[Lara Francis]

Hi , i am 36 years old from israel.
I suffer from rare neurologic chronic pain disease.
I battle this illness for 13 years, i even did a brain surgery.
Now the pain not responding to medications.
I not working for 3 years and on disability...
My life now is chronic pain from the moment i open my eyes until I go to sleep.
I live in my parents home, in a dark room depressed while they making fun and they travel aboard every 2 months...
They just come back from a trip to Vietnam a month ago...
They don't understand my pain and tell me all the time to learn to live with the pain, but this not a back pain... (not disrespect back pain)
All they want is for me to live so they can continue their routine life and don't suffer temporarily from losing me...
I am not so much a person to lose anyway... i become a shell of a person.
I can't stand watching them having so much fun while i rooting.
Its not an easy ride for them and i bring sorry to their life but still, they continue their lovely life/routine.

I tried to commit suicide 2 times with no success, one time i swallow 50 pills of clonazepam with some vodka, didn't work.

One time i closed all the windows (while no body was at home) and opened all the coking gas, didn't work.

I flirted a little with the rope but never did it to the end, i don't like it...

My favorite is a gun or some nembutal, both are almost impossible to obtain in israel.

Is there some one from israel here that know how to get a gun trough the black market ?

I wily dont want to end with the rope or an exit bag (also hard to obtain here but more possible).

Dignitas is not an option, i talked with them a little, to much birocratic and a possibility to lose 5k dollar for nothing.

Welcome to the forum.
I am sorry to hear your pain and hope you find the answers you seek x

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I am not sure we are considere middle east when it comes to global shipping...
We are more European in this regard.

I believe the problem is more with arab states.

Did you check this out with A ?

Not yet I just read it somewhere
I have reasons to go and I have reasons to stay... It's tearing me apart
Anyway I appreciate if you could share the info on shipping to Israel if you will ask A

 

[Tomey]

Not yet I just read it somewhere
I have reasons to go and I have reasons to stay... It's tearing me apart
Anyway I appreciate if you could share the info on shipping to Israel if you will ask A

What are the reasons to go ?

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

What are the reasons to go ?

Well
My reasons are complicated
But since you asked, I'll answer

I am from Russia but I failed to learn hebrew because of my ADHD, it's severe.
Basically any slightly monotonous job without flexible hours feels like cruel torture to me, I get tired very fast. I can't learn things, I always daydreaming in my head, my thoughts are scattering, drifting away always. I have absolutely no skills, including no social skills.
I have very sensitive personality.
I came here with my spouse in 2012 and we somehow managed to survive here for 6 years, with me working only for six months. But my spouse diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and is on the same (dis)function level as me, she's on 60% disability and in those years we barely had the ends meet, sometimes not having enough food.
My mother passed in 2014 and I sold inheritance in Russia and bought an apartment here.
Since my mother died I became extremely depressed, but I was depressed since childhood anyway, it's just was getting progressively worse with every year I lived. I started to wish for death every day.
In 2016 That was the time when I hold the job, I worked only 4 hours but I struggled, often crying at my job, we fought with my spouse often because we both have BPD and I was very unstable at the time. It was hell and I didn't see any future.
In the beginning of 2017 I realized that I am a woman and it brought hope for me that maybe this is the reason why I am never been happy with my life.It didn't come from nowhere, I have a history of gender disphoria too.
I sold my apartment without thinking about the future and not planning any investment -bad move. I started transition, it was overwhelming, I thought about it 24/7 and nothing else, maybe because I am OCD. It wasn't smooth sailing, I cut my wrist, tried to partial many times, often had meltdowns, estrogen made me more crazy then I was but I needed it.
It was two years ago since I started, I don't even know if I live as a woman because I don't have any meaningful social interactions and I don't pass well.
A couple of months ago I realised that I squandered half of my money for and achieved basically nothing. Didn't invest in anything..
That hit me very hard, I don't know why I thought transition will fix me, somehow... I became suicidal since then, I was planning it for real and accepted that I fucked up. But... My SO is still with me. I love her even we are not a pair anymore.
I have extreme anxiety all the time, panic attacks... intusive pictures of killing myself.
I know for someone else that won't be a dead end, but for me it seems like it is.
I am a complete failure and have no hope for improvement.
I could go back to Russia but my problems will be the same but I would be in danger because trans women are killed in Russia of they don't pass well...

 

[Tomey]

Well
My reasons are complicated
But since you asked, I'll answer

I am from Russia but I failed to learn hebrew because of my ADHD, it's severe.
Basically any slightly monotonous job without flexible hours feels like cruel torture to me, I get tired very fast. I can't learn things, I always daydreaming in my head, my thoughts are scattering, drifting away always. I have absolutely no skills, including no social skills.
I have very sensitive personality.
I came here with my spouse in 2012 and we somehow managed to survive here for 6 years, with me working only for six months. But my spouse diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and is on the same (dis)function level as me, she's on 60% disability and in those years we barely had the ends meet, sometimes not having enough food.
My mother passed in 2014 and I sold inheritance in Russia and bought an apartment here.
Since my mother died I became extremely depressed, but I was depressed since childhood anyway, it's just was getting progressively worse with every year I lived. I started to wish for death every day.
In 2016 That was the time when I hold the job, I worked only 4 hours but I struggled, often crying at my job, we fought with my spouse often because we both have BPD and I was very unstable at the time. It was hell and I didn't see any future.
In the beginning of 2017 I realized that I am a woman and it brought hope for me that maybe this is the reason why I am never been happy with my life.It didn't come from nowhere, I have a history of gender disphoria too.
I sold my apartment without thinking about the future and not planning any investment -bad move. I started transition, it was overwhelming, I thought about it 24/7 and nothing else, maybe because I am OCD. It wasn't smooth sailing, I cut my wrist, tried to partial many times, often had meltdowns, estrogen made me more crazy then I was but I needed it.
It was two years ago since I started, I don't even know if I live as a woman because I don't have any meaningful social interactions and I don't pass well.
A couple of months ago I realised that I squandered half of my money for and achieved basically nothing. Didn't invest in anything..
That hit me very hard, I don't know why I thought transition will fix me, somehow... I became suicidal since then, I was planning it for real and accepted that I fucked up. But... My SO is still with me. I love her even we are not a pair anymore.
I have extreme anxiety all the time, panic attacks... intusive pictures of killing myself.
I know for someone else that won't be a dead end, but for me it seems like it is.
I am a complete failure and have no hope for improvement.
I could go back to Russia but my problems will be the same but I would be in danger because trans women are killed in Russia of they don't pass well...

You probably still want to die but i bet you felt good to share.
Sound like a very hard life, i rooting for you.
I can never willy understand your pain and you will never understand mine.

I hope you will found a way and the power to transform your life to a bearable one.

I won't give you advices, you probably heard to much trough the years. You probably hate it , for a good reason!

But please hold on a little more... maybe you need some guidnes and help, i am not the one to do so, but it sound that maybe just maybe you can change things.

Give it a good cry today

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

You probably still want to die but i bet you felt good to share.
Sound like a very hard life, i rooting for you.
I can never willy understand your pain and you will never understand mine.

I hope you will found a way and the power to transform your life to a bearable one.

I won't give you advices, you probably heard to much trough the years. You probably hate it , for a good reason!

But please hold on a little more... maybe you need some guidnes and help, i am not the one to do so, but it sound that maybe just maybe you can change things.

Give it a good cry today

Thank you for your kind words, that means a lot.
I feel like I am really messed up and I don't have an anchor in this life anymore.

I cannot fathom how your parents don't get chronic pain torture... This is unfair.

 

[LittleJem]

Shalom Tomey

I just joined this forum - so this is a late response to your OP. I am not in Israel, though have been there many times- but am researching different methods to CTB. I will list a few of the ones I've found in a moment - but before I do, have you tried Kratom for the pain? Could be worth a shot. I got it for depression and doesn't work for me - but some people use it for pain. I could post you some if you can't source it in Israel - I have a little supply I am not using. I'm guessing you would have tried weed already.

For CTB - the most promising substance seems to be Fentanyl - I don't know how to get hold of it, but it is more lethal than heroin by a long way. There is also (easier to get hold of...) Chloroquine (anti-malarial) method and also a nicotine method - you can find guidance for both online. I don't know how painless they are, but maybe they can be combined with other substances eg sleeping pills and an anti-emetic. I've also read about Benadryl being a method - that according to some reports is painless - and that is over the counter available. Also chloroform and asphyxiation sounds a good way to go...For me, I am hoping to acquire heroin/Fentanyl - but don't have the contacts - so am torn between approaching addicts for their contacts and trying to get some on the dark web - where I have never been before.

Guns do have some failure rate - though I found an amazing picture yesterday of a "suicide helmet" this guy made, to ensure the gun stayed in the correct position.

Many sympathies for your pain and wishing you peace

Jemma

 

[matterofwhen]

There's one confirmed Nembutal dealer as far as I'm aware, and his name is A from Mexico. People on this forum have paid him in bitcoin and received their N.

What form does N come in? Is it taken by IV? Is there an oral (pill) option? Might be a moot point, given uncertainty of supply, to begin with, and I may not be savvy enough to scrape together any bitcoin. Still would appreciate any info RE: forms of N.

 

[21Neberg]

What form does N come in? Is it taken by IV? Is there an oral (pill) option? Might be a moot point, given uncertainty of supply, to begin with, and I may not be savvy enough to scrape together any bitcoin. Still would appreciate any info RE: forms of N.

Mate I have no clue. N is not my jam, my way is SN. You should ask this question again in the N megathread, people there will be able to help you.

 

[Bea]

Hi, everyone, I just joined today and have been so relieved to find this site where people can speak freely without fear of stigma. Both of my parents committed suicide, so it has always been a part of my reality.
I recently left my job and am withdrawing retirement funds so that I can clean up some logistics and make my exit within six weeks or so. I've been suicidal for years and have no children or even pets. I live alone. I have researched and once I determine my method (still debating between at least two), I have the funds.
I wanted to be a part of a community where I could be free talking about this until then, so thank you for being here. "Thank you" doesn't even begin to express my gratitude.

 

[Sammybackflip]

Hi , i am 36 years old from israel.
I suffer from rare neurologic chronic pain disease.
I battle this illness for 13 years, i even did a brain surgery.
Now the pain not responding to medications.
I not working for 3 years and on disability...
My life now is chronic pain from the moment i open my eyes until I go to sleep.
I live in my parents home, in a dark room depressed while they making fun and they travel aboard every 2 months...
They just come back from a trip to Vietnam a month ago...
They don't understand my pain and tell me all the time to learn to live with the pain, but this not a back pain... (not disrespect back pain)
All they want is for me to live so they can continue their routine life and don't suffer temporarily from losing me...
I am not so much a person to lose anyway... i become a shell of a person.
I can't stand watching them having so much fun while i rooting.
Its not an easy ride for them and i bring sorry to their life but still, they continue their lovely life/routine.

I tried to commit suicide 2 times with no success, one time i swallow 50 pills of clonazepam with some vodka, didn't work.

One time i closed all the windows (while no body was at home) and opened all the coking gas, didn't work.

I flirted a little with the rope but never did it to the end, i don't like it...

My favorite is a gun or some nembutal, both are almost impossible to obtain in israel.

Is there some one from israel here that know how to get a gun trough the black market ?

I wily dont want to end with the rope or an exit bag (also hard to obtain here but more possible).

Dignitas is not an option, i talked with them a little, to much birocratic and a possibility to lose 5k dollar for nothing.

Dignatas sucks. They wanted me to give them 10k before they would even talk to me. Fuckers.