Venting Intimate Partner Abuse

[Rocksandsand]

Hi SS,

Has anyone else experienced abuse at the hands of a romantic partner?

My boyfriend just broke up with me. We had a lot of issues and he came over last night to talk about them and it ended up really nasty. He's always had a way of making me feel astonishingly worthless and damaged. We hadn't spoken for a month - the last time I saw him before last night was a month ago and I woke up to him standing over the bed and yelling at me. He would always take what I say and twist it in the worst ways and then tell me I was fucked up for thinking that in the first place. He wouldn't allow me to have a Facebook account and if I saw any friends he would make it very clear that he was furious.

I have gradually gotten progressively more suicidal over the course of the relationship. And now that it's over it's amplified. I have a weed dealer delivering in half an hour and I just want to be stoned to take the edge off. I am not ready to CTB yet (I have financial shit to sort out and I have to find somewhere for my dog) but I have SN and meto in my medicine cupboard and it's getting really hard to think about anything else.

I don't know what I want from posting all this. I don't really have anyone to talk to, so I guess I just want a sympathetic ear...

Thanks for reading

 

[Final Escape]

Sounds like you were with someone who is a possible pathological. Meaning they have a cluster B personality disorder. Narcissist, borderline, psychopath, sociopath. The best thing u can do is go no contact. These types are extremely difficult to have a harmonious relationship with. They tend to be controlling and there's always some type of drama.

I'm not sure if u know about these disorders but it's worth learning about to protect yourself from getting involved with one in the future. It's likely that u will get involved with another one unless u learn to identify the early warning signs. Often there is warning signs at the beginning of the relationship but we gloss over it or ignore obvious red flags.

 

[AxsenInsomnia]

Well you definitely didn't deserve all that happening to you. It's a shame because the nicest people always end up the most hurt. You're doing your best ❤

 

[Soul]

Please protect yourself from him and anyone like him. He is not an authority who gets to decide who's valued and who's worthless! And you can quote me on that.

You're valued. We're all a bit damaged, but that just means we're gentle with ourselves and stay far away from people who deliberately hurt us. That's not what you're for. You deserve to be with someone who brings you alive, not someone who tears you down with abuse (to paraphrase Jagger/Richards, and you can quote them too).

 

[LaBrava]

Sounds like you were with someone who is a possible pathological. Meaning they have a cluster B personality disorder. Narcissist, borderline, psychopath, sociopath. The best thing u can do is go no contact. These types are extremely difficult to have a harmonious relationship with. They tend to be controlling and there's always some type of drama.

I'm not sure if u know about these disorders but it's worth learning about to protect yourself from getting involved with one in the future. It's likely that u will get involved with another one unless u learn to identify the early warning signs. Often there is warning signs at the beginning of the relationship but we gloss over it or ignore obvious red flags.

This is good advice.

 

[wiIIow]

hi, I'm very sorry you had to endure this kind of abuse. it's some of the worst emotional pain one can be subjected to by another human being, and in my experience the pain really sets in and feels worse after finally escaping the abusive situation. I feel both sympathy and empathy for you.

Just a quick story for context, you can read it if you like. I'm not trying to hijack your thread, but rather hoping that in this time of pain you can know that you're not alone in your experience. I know I have personally felt relief to know that I'm not crazy and that others have shared my experiences.

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years. We were not actually dating for most of this time, though we did try twice. His obsession for me persevered throughout this entire time period. He had a way of projecting his insecurities onto me, placing me on a pedestal just to become angry when I didn't match this unrealistic image of me, twisting my words and using them against me (including anything and everything I ever posted online, which he stalked religiously), and using manipulation, guilt and fear tactics to control me.

things escalated when we moved into an apartment together. I considered him my best friend, and he took advantage of me during a really shitty and vulnerable time in my life when I was in a bad living situation. He swooped in to "rescue" me. From that point forward he basically held me hostage... taking me on a whirlwind of emotional turmoil. He was the king of gaslighting, and had me truly convinced that I was crazy, and that I was the manipulative and abusive one. He was such a saint for enduring my abuse. He's the only one who truly understands me. He's never known anybody like me before. Bla, bla, bla. He would intentionally push me into a breakdown, and then be the one to comfort me and bring me back... or leave me alone to wallow, depending on whether he was punishing me for some petty shit or not (one of which included refusing to sleep with him despite the fact that he had a girlfriend). It was a neverending abuse cycle - bring me gifts, honeymoon, I act in a way he didn't intend for me to, punishment, abuse, bring me gifts, honeymoon...

Anyway. Thanks to an online friend recognizing the abuse (nobody irl did, everyone loved this fucking guy), I got out. Abruptly, and without warning. The aftermath was the worst part of it all, as I realized this relationship has left me extremely damaged and feeling like a husk of a person that didn't know how to think or act for herself anymore. This guy had been controlling every aspect of my life - even my thoughts and perception of myself - and now suddenly I was free. And alone. Lost. The trauma really set in during this time, and it didn't help that he knew exactly how to trigger me from a safe distance while stalking me and keeping tabs. Plus he turned all of our mutual friends against me (which were all of my friends, since, y'know... I wasn't allowed to have relations with folks he couldn't control). I didn't know how to be a person, and I had such a nasty view of myself. It took a long time for me to stop having doubts, thinking that maybe I was the abusive one after all. It took a long time for the nightmares and flashbacks to go away, and for me to start talking to other people again (kinda). Even now I struggle with it, something small and insignificant will happen that puts me right back into that mindset, and I'll suddenly be afraid and defensive (thankfully I have a partner that recognizes when ths shift happens and can bring me back). But for years, I lived in a constant state of despair and fear. I drank heavily, and after an unsuccessful attempt I had resigned myself to be alone and drink myself to death.


Well, anyhow... my point is, I can relate to an abusive situation with someone who is controlling and manipulative, as well as the dreadful aftermath. I wish I had advice for you, but unfortunately, time was the only thing that eventually eased the pain. I wish you peace and healing, and if you ever need an understanding ear my inbox is always open. take care