Venting Interviews make me want to ctb

[Pinkliquid12]

Heyy just having a bit of crash out rn!!
I really hate interviews because they make me feel like I should be dead. No amount of preparation rewires my brain for a performance format it fundamentally does not fit. I'm quiet, neurodivergent, anxious, and freeze under scrutiny. I have verbal processing and working memory issues. Any communication strengths I do have cannot be applied in an interview. People mistake pauses for being unprepared. Asking to have a question repeated is mistaken for poor listening and also being unprepared. I have poor memory so I cannot recall past experiences well, which results in me being vague or making stuff up, which sounds like I'm unprepared or I'm lying. Sure, there are more understanding interviewers, but most are neurotypical HR fucks. Interviews are not for me.
Jobs that require less complex interviews are low paying and if they aren't, they're scarce.
And then when I don't do well in an interview? Everyone just says I didn't prepare enough. It's always my fucking fault. Because really there isn't anything wrong with me - I just don't want to work! I'm so fucking lazy!! They don't want to admit to themselves, or simply can't comprehend, that some people are not cut out for job searching!! I'm so fucking sick of being blamed!!!

Anyways, I have another lovely interview tomorrow. I'll go out of spite, to show that I'm trying. I'll embarrass myself AGAIN, get stressed out AGAIN, feel bad and worthless AGAIN, but it's not like I have anything to lose. I'll walk in, talk like a fucking idiot, and leave. Truly, I am an inspiration. I really don't want to die, but I am constantly reminded that I don't have much choice.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Can I ask? You mentioned neurotypicals. Are you or, do you suspect yourself neurodivergent? Do you disclose that to them? In the UK, they usually ask if you need any specific requirements in an interview. I always wondered what would happen if people did disclose things. Do you think it might make them prejudiced against you from the start?

I can't say I like interviews either. I'm pretty bad at remembering what I did, when too.

Could you take along visual cues maybe? Your CV maybe. I don't know. I suppose their worry is- if you can't remember stuff for an interview, how will you handle the job? It's still such a poor way of assessing suitability though- I think. But then, I don't know what else they could do.

For me- I think it's more been my personal skills. It's obvious I'm not a sociable person. I find that kind of weird though. It should be evident I have worked with people. I wonder what they think I'm going to do! Lol.

I'm sorry though. I hate the whole rollercoaster of it all. My worst experiences were the near misses. The few times the interview actually felt quite positive and then ended in rejection. Weirdly, two interviews I was sure were failures ended in job offers. I hope it goes well for you. Do you like the sound of the job at least? That's hard- when you have to try and bluff.