Venting Insanity

[anonymousfoxxo]

I will never achieve my dreams. I'm a failure. I'm a disappointment. I am a disgrace to mankind. I am nothing but a mistake. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't have been raised. I shouldn't have survived my last attempts. I can't do this anymore. I am not worthy. I am not good. I am the worst. I am not enough. I'll never be enough. There's nothing left in this world for me anymore. Nobody loves me. Nobody needs me. Nobody sees me. Nobody knows the pain I live with. Nobody knows the thoughts I exist within. Nobody knows how much I crave feeling cared for. Nobody knows what it feels like to live without having any motivation for anything. I can't focus on anything. I can't learn anything the system needs me to learn. I keep being punished just for existing. People hurt me. People use me. People abuse me. People sexually use me. People physically hurt me. I am put through so much pressure. I crumble. I cry. I scream. But the void just grows larger. There's nothing. There's nothing. There's nothing. There's everything. The voices. The voices are getting louder. I'm shaking. I'm trembling. I can't do this anymore. I'm afraid of my past. I'm scared of my future. I'm torn and shed into pieces by my present. Hurting myself doesn't help. Trying to push through the pain doesn't help. Nothing works. My medications don't do anything but make me even less functional. The doctors just take my money and help none at all. My family sees me as a disgrace and will soon throw me out. My partners.. They were my abusers. My friends... Are fake. My life is... worthless. I am worthless. Nobody knows the pain of being tired all the time. That no matter how much I try I cannot do what the system asks of me. And for everything I cannot do for the system, everyone in the world punishes me for. I'm punished for being kind. I'm punished for having a lot of love. I'm punished for being born with bipolar and ADHD. I'm punished for having a hard time after all of my traumas, so much traumas that I could write a 500 page book about what I've been through and yet it would need a full on trilogy to tell. I don't know what I am here for. I fear ending it because my heart won't let me see my little brother suffer my death. Yet my heart is beating weaker every day. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think or what to feel. Nothing is real. I'm in a nightmare. An eternal nightmare. Life is a scam. Love is a trap. And I'm the only one to blame for every mistake that humanity and myself has made. I hate it here. I hate it here so much. When will my brain finally force shutdown? When will my heart finally stop beating, and not just for minutes like last time? ... ... ... When was the last time that I was alive? When was the last time that I've felt........ When is it going to end? Do I know the definition of insanity? Doing the exact same fucking thing over and over again and expecting shit to change. Yes. Yet I keep doing it. I still keep myself alive. Yet my body is screaming don't make the same mistakes. Yet I do. But what for? It will never change. I'm insane. I should've died long ago. I am failing at my job. I am failing at connections. I am failing my education. I have failed every single aspect of my life. Nothing ever works out for me and never will. All I can choose is if I wanna die slowly and painfully on the streets alone, or do it quickly while I still have a warm place to start my journey to the end from. Should I go on? No. No. No. No. Let me out. Let me out. Let me out. Let me out. Let me out of the matrix. Let me out. Let me see the other side. Let me out. What if once I die I end up in an even worse place? What if there's a hell I'll go to for suicide? What if that hell is about living this exact same life over and over again? Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Let me out. I .. Am.. Insane. The voices. Are ... Too... Much...