Venting indefinable feelings, a lot of confusion

[idontfeellikeimreal]

I am so unsure. I feel unlovable and empty. I am always doing things with one specific person. Whenever we cuddle, whenever he touches me, I have a mix of feelings.

I can't define them. Sometimes it's positive, and other times it makes me feel unsafe and dirty again. I cannot communicate that because I feel like he wouldn't understand, and I can't blame him for that. I am complicated, and it is already hard enough to understand me.

Sometimes I get flashbacks when he touches me, but he truly is respectful and does not cross my boundaries. I know he is a bit pushy, but that is because I am so shy and sometimes need a little push of confidence.

I really like him as a person, but he is so simple, it scares me. My ex-boyfriend abused me; I blindly trusted him. He sexually assaulted me and cheated on me. Now I have trouble trusting anyone, even though this new person has done nothing bad so far. He motivates me to communicate, but he can be so... insensitive? But at the same time, he probably isn't, and I'm just hypersensitive, taking everything personally.

I am scared of him leaving, scared of someone taking him away from me. But at the same time, I want to push him away. I am so confused. I want to love, but it makes me feel miserable liking someone. It's hard for me to put myself first and not others.

I crave love and affection; I wish for a long, warm hug. But at the same time, I don't want to be touched at all. I want to be left alone, but as soon as I'm alone, it breaks me apart.

Where does this mix of feelings come from all of a sudden? A year ago, everything was different. I looked much worse last year, but there were so many people who were nice to me, especially online. Now there are actually people talking to me in real life, but there is a lot of catcalling involved. A lot of people stare or talk to me expecting me to let them hit on me. I do not understand why. Is it only because I look a bit different now? Why did my personality matter so much more when I looked worse? Why is everything about my body all of a sudden?

 

[star_shine]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way ,i understand the feeling of being unsure what exactly ur feeling, a sense of doubt and confusion if you want it or not, u want it one day and then after a while u feel like just shutting yourself, being alone and when u are alone ,u feel lonely and want someone to show some affection and make u feel loved. I have never been catcalled but that honestly sucks, there are people like that who show interest when u start looking good , just don't mind them, people can be weird. I hope it goes well with your partner, sorry I'm not that helpful here- but I hope u feel better.

 

[idontfeellikeimreal]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way ,i understand the feeling of being unsure what exactly ur feeling, a sense of doubt and confusion if you want it or not, u want it one day and then after a while u feel like just shutting yourself, being alone and when u are alone ,u feel lonely and want someone to show some affection and make u feel loved. I have never been catcalled but that honestly sucks, there are people like that who show interest when u start looking good , just don't mind them, people can be weird. I hope it goes well with your partner, sorry I'm not that helpful here- but I hope u feel better.

I'm so happy you somehow understand me. Not being alone with this really helps.
He's really understanding but I don't know if I should even tell him. I just cannot comprehend my own thoughts anymore, so I tend to let it all out on him with anger n stuff like that.

 

[star_shine]

I'm so happy you somehow understand me. Not being alone with this really helps.
He's really understanding but I don't know if I should even tell him. I just cannot comprehend my own thoughts anymore, so I tend to let it all out on him with anger n stuff like that.

Awww i see. I think it would be better to talk to him about what you feel (not now when you feel kinda ready to tell him),it would be better to tell than bottling it up and feeling overwhelmed about everything going on, hopefully he would help you in some way.

 

[idontfeellikeimreal]

Awww i see. I think it would be better to talk to him about what you feel (not now when you feel kinda ready to tell him),it would be better to tell than bottling it up and feeling overwhelmed about everything going on, hopefully he would help you in some way.

The thing is, I've been quite close to him both physically and mentally. And I told him I was scared of him only coming to see me because of my body, but he reassured me and he always asks me what I'm thinking about whenever I seem like I'm not there mentally..

 

[star_shine]

Ohh i see

The thing is, I've been quite close to him both physically and mentally. And I told him I was scared of him only coming to see me because of my body, but he reassured me and he always asks me what I'm thinking about whenever I seem like I'm not there mentally..