Venting indecisive - where do I belong to? [dusty's diary]

[dustyrainbow]

The title says a lot - I can't decide what to do.
There are moments where I'm 100% sure, I'll end it all, here and now.
5 minutes later I wonder why I thought that and I'm shocked about my feelings and the following actions.

When I registered myself in the forum, I was only lurking. Read a lot of threads about methods, later I dug deep into all the personal stories. Sometimes I could relate, sometimes not.
It was sad to see how many people struggle with being alive - but then it was also relieving. I'm not alone! There's a place where all these thoughts, feelings can be shared.

Today is christmas eve; at least in my country we celebrate it at the 24th dec evening. I'll visit my family. After that we go on vacation.
I planned to commit when nobody's there - family on vacation, flat mate also with their family too.
New years eve - what a perfect time, isn't it? There's so much going on, nobody would notice a women in their 20s committing in her apartment or somewhere lonely in the woods...

But then my sister asked if I go on vacation with her. And she's such a sweetheart. The thought of leaving her breaks my heart. I just can't traumatize her... She's having her time of her life, she absolutely loves the location of the winter vacation. And then... She'd come back and had to be informed about my death. I just can't do that to her.

And then... Idgaf. I mean, why do I care at all? I don't believe in anything after death. Rotting corpse. Deceasing bodies.
I wouldn't witness her grieving.
Why is it important to me then?
I suffer, every fucking day.

But in my point of view there will be always suffering. No matter what I do (or don't):
If I don't commit, I'll have to live with the unbearable. If I commit, I create even more suffering in others lives.
How to make a fair decision then? And yes, I care about my loved ones. One of the reasons I want to end it is the feeling of being a burden, being too much, taking too much, making everyone's life worse. But no matter if I stay or not, my existence will make their life worse?


I have so many thoughts on that, I can't type them all right now.
That's why I finally created this thread. I will take you on my journey - no matter how I decide in the end.

Please don't comment anything suicide-encouraging;
It's okay to relate, tho. Or to add your own perspectives. I'm looking for an exchange about the state between wanting to die and staying alive. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one here that struggles with this problem.
And keep in mind, I will use this as a kind of a diary. Feel free to share whatever you want, but I ask for space for myself in the first way.

~ dusty

 

[dustyrainbow]

I often hear that the mind tends to remember the negative aspects of life instead of all the positives that happen.

But in my case I wouldn't say that's true?
I wanted to start this post telling about my last days, about christmas, about how everything's okay for now.

Then I held on for a second and realised: Actually I cried very much, especially at Christmas Eve and the days after.

I thought I might just run into the woods and do a full suspension? Just !anything!, I thought about intoxication with alcohol or slitting my wrists?
I felt like the worst person on earth ever. That I didn't deserve to have a family and even people who care about me? I got a tablet I wanted to have and I can't pay back my part and despite that I still got it!
And I love all the options I have now, especially when it comes to drawing, the main reason I wanted to get it.
But then there was this emptiness, I just couldn't feel joy while drawing and it all felt as a waste of money. I felt bad for my parents, who thought they'd maybe make be a bit "happier" but it did exactly nothing to my mental state.
I hate disappointing them so I pretended to feel better and have fun and this hurt even more...

Also nobody contacted me for christmas. Just a dude I know from Twitter, we chat a lot, we share some severe self-harm symptoms, and his message was "Still alive?"
And it made me so fucking sad, he thought I tried to commit that night, I was so desperate, I wrote him how I feel before and that I just can't go back to the psych ward, but also can't kill myself right now and just wish to disappear.

The next day I texted a close friend how lonely I feel... And we ended up in an argument about social behaviour, what's appropriate to expect and why it's ok to feel sad nobody texted me, but why it's also ok nobody did that in the first place.

Idk why, but then we ended up talking about my suicidal thoughts. I promised her to not take action until the 8th jan; as long as I'm on vacation with my family I'm safe.
But I also told her I feel like I don't have much time left on earth, maybe 2-3 months? I don't know.
And I can't tell if I'm able to get help or not, if I WANT to be helped or if I refuse it. But for now I'm not doing anything.

Then I texted with a woman I recently met at the psych ward. She had many attempts where everyone would think nobody would survive that. I'm sorry for her, all her attempts keep traumatising her in addition to everything else. I'm sure she'll pass away soon and I'm kinda sad, because I really like her and she's the only one in my city I finally felt connected in a way? She also knows someone I lived together last year and idk. She even lives near my parents and I really hoped to find a friend, but... I do understand her. We keep texting about suicide and we relate so much and even if we don't relate, we understand how much we suffer. I'm very tempted to ask her to commit together but I don't wanna be a burden and make her feel guilty, no matter how she decides.


Now I'm on vacation. Didn't text much with them since I arrived. Just rotting in bed. At least I'm not crying unstoppable anymore. It was really exhausting.
I'm avoiding any family actions tho. Guess I'll spend new years eve alone while my family visits relatives or something.
My parents asked if I wanted to go skiing starting tomorrow, but in a desperate moment of self-harm urges I destroyed my glasses and can't see properly. So I use that as an excuse - in reality I just wanna be alone. Told them I lost my glasses tho, they don't have to know I just destroyed 180€. (As I said before, I'm a burden, at least in a financial view).

The topic self-harm is draining.
My mom asked if I took my insurance ID with me "if something happens". But we're somewhere in the nowhere; the next hospital is 30 km away and I honestly don't wanna pay for the public traffic (aaaand the train just arrives 2-3 times a day?? And I had to walk 4-5 km to the train station) or get attention by the neighbours when I call an ambulance?
Later arrived at the vacation location my dad texted me if I had all my wound dressing supplies with me.

I'm glad they care, but I just don't wanna talk about it. They don't have to know the details. What I do to myself.
And because I know the severity of my self-harm, I won't do anything on vacation as well. They don't have to find me in a puddle of blood (as the nursing staff in the psych ward lately did). Or even see my wounds. My mom is a doctor, but in the end I'm her daughter and I just can't break her heart even more...

But I'm emotionally fucked up already. Can't stop thinking about arriving at my own apartment and cutting the shit out of me.
I have this bad habit where I started to intentionally let myself bleed a lot. To weaken my body "just in case", if I commit soon, so my body will die faster.
It's so dumb, because I feel weak already and my blood work came back pretty bad, but I can't stand the urges.
At least I call the ambulance when I'm in my own apartment. Nobody's there who's important enough to me. I don't care about the paramedics or sometimes the police then. Everyone in the building complex knows for whom they are called, so...


By the way, I started to ask around for a specific medication I want to overdose on. I want to be able to commit, if I really want to. But everyone I texted seemed scammy later. Like no, the link to trust pilot with 8 reviews that state how they helped their grandma to pass away just doesn't seem legit right haha?
I can't afford spending money just to be scammed. It's expensive asf to pass away peacefully, damn.

~ dusty