Incoming Birthday Reminds Me of Inadequacy and the Need to Die.

[BornofDust]

So in a few days I will be 24 years old. I genuinely hate the fact that I'm alive at this age. I have literally nothing to show for it. I was reminded of it when I looked at social media and starting looking through some of my " friends." profile. Seeing all of them being successful in their career's, some of them married, even being more successful then me in the career I'm trying to pursue. Some even rising to become supervisors, bosses, consultants, DJ's, artist, authors,etc. I have done nothing with life, and have no accomplishments under my belt, except for a few poems and short stories at some blog, that no one even freaking reads.

Everyone in my family is successful and doing well, except me. My mom says I'm an embarrassment to her when I haven't graduated from community college after 4 years. And the rest of my family loves to tell me such things also. I'm considered a " lost cause." amongst my family, and even a lot of friends. No one believes I'll be anything, a lot of people says I will never be successful in my field and won't even graduate. And at this point I don't believe it either.

My mom even points out that I would not be able to take care of her because of the way I am(in my culture, the child is obligated to take care of the parent as they become old) and that they don't see me being able to take care of her, much less another person, much less myself. And I believe her, I'm inherently inadequate and that I inherently can't do much in life anyway.

I have nothing under my name. I have nothing to show for my years on this Earth. Except failure I guess. All the films I've written never even got to be in production, so whenever someone post on one of the filmmaking groups and then the comments ask " where's your IMB." (meaning the list of productions you've participated in). I feel so ashamed since I literally have nothing to show for it, and in my type of career, those people are just not taken seriously. Hell actors didn't take me seriously when I once tried to co-direct a script I make. I highly doubt I'm going to be successful in my field. People can see that I'm a loser from a mile away(and have been told that to my face). Some of my freinds who graduated the same as me, and went to the same community college, are already getting their Masters, while 'm struggling to get my Bachelors.

I'm 24 and I've never really experience life at all throughout my life. Because I was never(and sill to this day isn't) allowed to go outside at all unless with my family's permission, she didn't even let me go to Disney World with my cousins when I was little. Basically I've never experienced things that people in their early 20s(even late teens tbh) got to do. I never got to travel across the world, I never got to go to Music Festivals, I never got to go on dates, I never got to even be outside of my state. Trust me I've teiid, my parents either never let me or simply sabotage my efforts. So I'm a dude who never even been outside of my neighborhood.

After I came back from the hospital last year, my parents randomly left me alone by myself in the house while they go out to dinner for Thanksgiving, and when I complained and protested, my mom mocked me and said I should " appreciate being alive." So they both went off and had dinner with the family. As, like I detailed in my first post in this site, cried throughout the night, it compounded on me that I was truly alone, and that I will always be alone. It was like that for Christmas, and it will be like that for my birthday. It was already sort of like that at certain points in my life. I remember when I was 8 when I was at my grandmothers house waiting for everyone to show up, everything ready, no one showed up. My family said they had " other things to do." And so the only people at my birthday, was my aunt. Who was the one that set up everything. That's what my life was, loneliness and shame. So no I don't appreciate being " alive." since being alive only brings more misery to me than being dead.


I really wish I've ended my life last year like I originally was going to do. Cause all I see is myself deterioting further and further. My life has gotten worst and worst, and will continue to get worst. My coming birthday is a great reminder of that. That I'm inadequate and that I need to die, or I will suffer. And I'm tired of suffering. This is proven by my firing of my job because of my mental issues and late attendance, and will be further proven when I get kicked out of University soon for non-payment and bad grades. I was going to wait until I have a new job to have money to buy SN, but I'm getting a bit impatient at this point and might resort to hanging at this point.

I'm very apathetic nowadays about anything. I accept that I will always be empty, I will always be alone, I will never be able to travel the world, I will never be able to see the world( and even if I care ,I don't care that much anymore.) Everyone is living good lives, and I'm happy for them. Its also a great reminder of what I'm not. And will probably never be. Like why the hell am I born for, to decay and suffer and watch everyone live good lives.

I'm inadequate and will always be inadequate, this society is ruled by networking, prestige and reputation. I have absolutely non of this, I'm well-known as the ' mentally unstable guy." and that reputation will probably( and already has) ruined any sort of career, friendship, relationship path I have. So the only solution is death. As I turn 24, this is becoming more clear, I honestly can't see any other way. Ironically as I'm making this post, I've been trying to recover from everything that's happened to be, but it seems like these things are becoming pointless to me, even though I've been stubbornly still trying. Maybe a part of me still has hope that maybe once I fix myself, then maybe things will be better for me. Me remembering my upcoming birthday made me realize that maybe those thoughts were irrational and wishy-washy. I don't know.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

I relate to this post so much, to the point its almost word for word if you'd change 24 to 29 and a few other bits. I turn 29 next week and like you have absolutely nothing to show for it.

I work a job just to keep everyone happy but my life outside of that is staring at the walls and sometimes coming here. It sounds like we have a very similar family too. Christmas just gone they all had dinner together without me, and I spent that evening booking returns with amazon for all the gifts I'd got them having received nothing from them out of spite of my mental illness (e.g. be happy you're alive). My mum told me 4 days prior to Xmas that if my meds hadn't worked in 3 years maybe I should get it over with.

Im too useless to be financially independent or have the power to get there. I wish I could say you've got a whole 5 years on me but it's just the same shit, nothing changes :( the start of your last paragraph is especially relatable.

I know ill spend my birthday getting drunk and sitting on here, but the suicidal tendency will spike for sure. I wish there was some way to make it better but trust me that I know how you feel

 

[WornOutLife]

I had the same feelings during my last birthday! (last January)
I was like: "33 years old! Really man? What are you doing still in this world?" lol

I think I understand what you mean. I also believe I need to die but I might keep on living. Just don't know what to do anymore!

 

[Canon1]

A few words from me:

-just because people have partners or got married or have nice profiles doesn't mean that they are happy.

- a birthday is just a day that will be over after 24 hours. So I wouldn't give so much about it.

-you can still travel and do everything you want. Once you get older you don't care much about being alone. At some point you even enjoy being alone.

You are young. Your whole perception of life and yourself will change.

 

[GarageKarate07]

So in a few days I will be 24 years old. I genuinely hate the fact that I'm alive at this age. I have literally nothing to show for it. I was reminded of it when I looked at social media and starting looking through some of my " friends." profile. Seeing all of them being successful in their career's, some of them married, even being more successful then me in the career I'm trying to pursue. Some even rising to become supervisors, bosses, consultants, DJ's, artist, authors,etc. I have done nothing with life, and have no accomplishments under my belt, except for a few poems and short stories at some blog, that no one even freaking reads.

Everyone in my family is successful and doing well, except me. My mom says I'm an embarrassment to her when I haven't graduated from community college after 4 years. And the rest of my family loves to tell me such things also. I'm considered a " lost cause." amongst my family, and even a lot of friends. No one believes I'll be anything, a lot of people says I will never be successful in my field and won't even graduate. And at this point I don't believe it either.

My mom even points out that I would not be able to take care of her because of the way I am(in my culture, the child is obligated to take care of the parent as they become old) and that they don't see me being able to take care of her, much less another person, much less myself. And I believe her, I'm inherently inadequate and that I inherently can't do much in life anyway.

I have nothing under my name. I have nothing to show for my years on this Earth. Except failure I guess. All the films I've written never even got to be in production, so whenever someone post on one of the filmmaking groups and then the comments ask " where's your IMB." (meaning the list of productions you've participated in). I feel so ashamed since I literally have nothing to show for it, and in my type of career, those people are just not taken seriously. Hell actors didn't take me seriously when I once tried to co-direct a script I make. I highly doubt I'm going to be successful in my field. People can see that I'm a loser from a mile away(and have been told that to my face). Some of my freinds who graduated the same as me, and went to the same community college, are already getting their Masters, while 'm struggling to get my Bachelors.

I'm 24 and I've never really experience life at all throughout my life. Because I was never(and sill to this day isn't) allowed to go outside at all unless with my family's permission, she didn't even let me go to Disney World with my cousins when I was little. Basically I've never experienced things that people in their early 20s(even late teens tbh) got to do. I never got to travel across the world, I never got to go to Music Festivals, I never got to go on dates, I never got to even be outside of my state. Trust me I've teiid, my parents either never let me or simply sabotage my efforts. So I'm a dude who never even been outside of my neighborhood.

After I came back from the hospital last year, my parents randomly left me alone by myself in the house while they go out to dinner for Thanksgiving, and when I complained and protested, my mom mocked me and said I should " appreciate being alive." So they both went off and had dinner with the family. As, like I detailed in my first post in this site, cried throughout the night, it compounded on me that I was truly alone, and that I will always be alone. It was like that for Christmas, and it will be like that for my birthday. It was already sort of like that at certain points in my life. I remember when I was 8 when I was at my grandmothers house waiting for everyone to show up, everything ready, no one showed up. My family said they had " other things to do." And so the only people at my birthday, was my aunt. Who was the one that set up everything. That's what my life was, loneliness and shame. So no I don't appreciate being " alive." since being alive only brings more misery to me than being dead.


I really wish I've ended my life last year like I originally was going to do. Cause all I see is myself deterioting further and further. My life has gotten worst and worst, and will continue to get worst. My coming birthday is a great reminder of that. That I'm inadequate and that I need to die, or I will suffer. And I'm tired of suffering. This is proven by my firing of my job because of my mental issues and late attendance, and will be further proven when I get kicked out of University soon for non-payment and bad grades. I was going to wait until I have a new job to have money to buy SN, but I'm getting a bit impatient at this point and might resort to hanging at this point.

I'm very apathetic nowadays about anything. I accept that I will always be empty, I will always be alone, I will never be able to travel the world, I will never be able to see the world( and even if I care ,I don't care that much anymore.) Everyone is living good lives, and I'm happy for them. Its also a great reminder of what I'm not. And will probably never be. Like why the hell am I born for, to decay and suffer and watch everyone live good lives.

I'm inadequate and will always be inadequate, this society is ruled by networking, prestige and reputation. I have absolutely non of this, I'm well-known as the ' mentally unstable guy." and that reputation will probably( and already has) ruined any sort of career, friendship, relationship path I have. So the only solution is death. As I turn 24, this is becoming more clear, I honestly can't see any other way. Ironically as I'm making this post, I've been trying to recover from everything that's happened to be, but it seems like these things are becoming pointless to me, even though I've been stubbornly still trying. Maybe a part of me still has hope that maybe once I fix myself, then maybe things will be better for me. Me remembering my upcoming birthday made me realize that maybe those thoughts were irrational and wishy-washy. I don't know.

First, your family is false they are clinging to their facade for social/traditional survival. They are weak in truth and it is not your fault that they are that way. I'm sure in a way they mean well for you though so try not to forget that.
Second, I am having birthday blues as well and a lot of othrr threads and posts seem to have been the same for months. I will be 41 in 2 weeks. I wanted to CTB today. It would have been the perfect day. I also for some reason want to wait until after my birthday but I don't know why. I have many reasons to want to die just like everyone else here. I AM SAD! That's The best explaination.
Third, success is not what is important in this life. Taking care of yourself is important but only so you are safe. Even then you can't keep yourself "safe" from many things in life like the current events and sadness and emotions. Your success lies in you doing the best you can to keep going and possibly be as kind as you can. You see people doing "better" all around. Don't worry about them. You are ok. There is nothing wrong with you. I hope this helps.
Keep doing the best you can to make yourself happy and if that means leaving this world then do that. THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY!! Don't live by other people's standards. I really hope this helps a little and we hope the best for you. ❤

 

[whywere]

1St and foremost, you ARE a loving, caring and thoughtful person. You are NOT, NOT a loser or anything of that nature ever. I am 64 years young, I will turn 65 on 03.12.21. When I was born, my "parents" did NOT want me at all, but social pressure dictated them from leaving me at the hospital. Till I was 18, they called me "the mistake" to my face, in public, everywhere all the time. I have spent a lifetime working through their crappy way they brought me up, BUT..BUT I learned after I was kicked out at 18, they figured out that I was bi, that the world was big, beautiful and waiting for me. I am so sorry the way that you are being treated so darn poorly, we could be twins on that aspect, and want you to know this. You are a strong, resilient and SMART person. You will find your niche and find that you are a true winner, NOT loser, I did and so will you! by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! Walter

 

[GarageKarate07]

1St and foremost, you ARE a loving, caring and thoughtful person. You are NOT, NOT a loser or anything of that nature ever. I am 64 years young, I will turn 65 on 03.12.21. When I was born, my "parents" did NOT want me at all, but social pressure dictated them from leaving me at the hospital. Till I was 18, they called me "the mistake" to my face, in public, everywhere all the time. I have spent a lifetime working through their crappy way they brought me up, BUT..BUT I learned after I was kicked out at 18, they figured out that I was bi, that the world was big, beautiful and waiting for me. I am so sorry the way that you are being treated so darn poorly, we could be twins on that aspect, and want you to know this. You are a strong, resilient and SMART person. You will find your niche and find that you are a true winner, NOT loser, I did and so will you! by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! Walter

Happy birthday!! Just in case I dont get on here that day. I'm 2 weeks out.

 

[whywere]

First, your family is false they are clinging to their facade for social/traditional survival. They are weak in truth and it is not your fault that they are that way. I'm sure in a way they mean well for you though so try not to forget that.
Second, I am having birthday blues as well and a lot of othrr threads and posts seem to have been the same for months. I will be 41 in 2 weeks. I wanted to CTB today. It would have been the perfect day. I also for some reason want to wait until after my birthday but I don't know why. I have many reasons to want to die just like everyone else here. I AM SAD! That's The best explaination.
Third, success is not what is important in this life. Taking care of yourself is important but only so you are safe. Even then you can't keep yourself "safe" from many things in life like the current events and sadness and emotions. Your success lies in you doing the best you can to keep going and possibly be as kind as you can. You see people doing "better" all around. Don't worry about them. You are ok. There is nothing wrong with you. I hope this helps.
Keep doing the best you can to make yourself happy and if that means leaving this world then do that. THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY!! Don't live by other people's standards. I really hope this helps a little and we hope the best for you. ❤

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!! @GarageKarate07 , you are such a nice, loving, caring and supportive global family member! My birthday wish for you is that you get a beautiful sunny day with treats and the knowledge that you are loved by your family here! Walter

 

[GarageKarate07]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!! @GarageKarate07 , you are such a nice, loving, caring and supportive global family member! My birthday wish for you is that you get a beautiful sunny day with treats and the knowledge that you are loved by your family here! Walter

Awww. Thank you. I try to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself and just post some kind and helpful things. It doesn't always work LOL. If I have a negative opinion I try to tell myself to write nothing because that's not helpful to our friends here. They are asking for help and having a hard time in every post/thread made here. I think that's important for all of us to remember when posting. Plus some/most of these people are kids. No offense to the kids but they do have a lot of experiences to go through still. Positive and negative. That doesn't make it any easier.

 

[_battered_butterfly_]

So in a few days I will be 24 years old. I genuinely hate the fact that I'm alive at this age. I have literally nothing to show for it. I was reminded of it when I looked at social media and starting looking through some of my " friends." profile. Seeing all of them being successful in their career's, some of them married, even being more successful then me in the career I'm trying to pursue. Some even rising to become supervisors, bosses, consultants, DJ's, artist, authors,etc. I have done nothing with life, and have no accomplishments under my belt, except for a few poems and short stories at some blog, that no one even freaking reads.

Everyone in my family is successful and doing well, except me. My mom says I'm an embarrassment to her when I haven't graduated from community college after 4 years. And the rest of my family loves to tell me such things also. I'm considered a " lost cause." amongst my family, and even a lot of friends. No one believes I'll be anything, a lot of people says I will never be successful in my field and won't even graduate. And at this point I don't believe it either.

My mom even points out that I would not be able to take care of her because of the way I am(in my culture, the child is obligated to take care of the parent as they become old) and that they don't see me being able to take care of her, much less another person, much less myself. And I believe her, I'm inherently inadequate and that I inherently can't do much in life anyway.

I have nothing under my name. I have nothing to show for my years on this Earth. Except failure I guess. All the films I've written never even got to be in production, so whenever someone post on one of the filmmaking groups and then the comments ask " where's your IMB." (meaning the list of productions you've participated in). I feel so ashamed since I literally have nothing to show for it, and in my type of career, those people are just not taken seriously. Hell actors didn't take me seriously when I once tried to co-direct a script I make. I highly doubt I'm going to be successful in my field. People can see that I'm a loser from a mile away(and have been told that to my face). Some of my freinds who graduated the same as me, and went to the same community college, are already getting their Masters, while 'm struggling to get my Bachelors.

I'm 24 and I've never really experience life at all throughout my life. Because I was never(and sill to this day isn't) allowed to go outside at all unless with my family's permission, she didn't even let me go to Disney World with my cousins when I was little. Basically I've never experienced things that people in their early 20s(even late teens tbh) got to do. I never got to travel across the world, I never got to go to Music Festivals, I never got to go on dates, I never got to even be outside of my state. Trust me I've teiid, my parents either never let me or simply sabotage my efforts. So I'm a dude who never even been outside of my neighborhood.

After I came back from the hospital last year, my parents randomly left me alone by myself in the house while they go out to dinner for Thanksgiving, and when I complained and protested, my mom mocked me and said I should " appreciate being alive." So they both went off and had dinner with the family. As, like I detailed in my first post in this site, cried throughout the night, it compounded on me that I was truly alone, and that I will always be alone. It was like that for Christmas, and it will be like that for my birthday. It was already sort of like that at certain points in my life. I remember when I was 8 when I was at my grandmothers house waiting for everyone to show up, everything ready, no one showed up. My family said they had " other things to do." And so the only people at my birthday, was my aunt. Who was the one that set up everything. That's what my life was, loneliness and shame. So no I don't appreciate being " alive." since being alive only brings more misery to me than being dead.


I really wish I've ended my life last year like I originally was going to do. Cause all I see is myself deterioting further and further. My life has gotten worst and worst, and will continue to get worst. My coming birthday is a great reminder of that. That I'm inadequate and that I need to die, or I will suffer. And I'm tired of suffering. This is proven by my firing of my job because of my mental issues and late attendance, and will be further proven when I get kicked out of University soon for non-payment and bad grades. I was going to wait until I have a new job to have money to buy SN, but I'm getting a bit impatient at this point and might resort to hanging at this point.

I'm very apathetic nowadays about anything. I accept that I will always be empty, I will always be alone, I will never be able to travel the world, I will never be able to see the world( and even if I care ,I don't care that much anymore.) Everyone is living good lives, and I'm happy for them. Its also a great reminder of what I'm not. And will probably never be. Like why the hell am I born for, to decay and suffer and watch everyone live good lives.

I'm inadequate and will always be inadequate, this society is ruled by networking, prestige and reputation. I have absolutely non of this, I'm well-known as the ' mentally unstable guy." and that reputation will probably( and already has) ruined any sort of career, friendship, relationship path I have. So the only solution is death. As I turn 24, this is becoming more clear, I honestly can't see any other way. Ironically as I'm making this post, I've been trying to recover from everything that's happened to be, but it seems like these things are becoming pointless to me, even though I've been stubbornly still trying. Maybe a part of me still has hope that maybe once I fix myself, then maybe things will be better for me. Me remembering my upcoming birthday made me realize that maybe those thoughts were irrational and wishy-washy. I don't know.

I feel your pain. 30 years old... Not working and haven't since a knee surgery and worsening mental health in 2018. Developmental dyspraxia... Never learned how to drive. Severe Chronic Fatigue and crippling depression and anxiety. Sleeping 14 hrs a day. Can't shop.
Can't cook or clean or parent. No money of my own. No will to go on... Waste of space. Waste of oxygen and resources. Horrible mother. Neglectful. My family argues otherwise... I wouldn't say I have a support System but many people encouraging me with a bunch of BS as to why I should go on. Only thing keeping me here has been my bio daughter and lack of privacy to CTB. Getting harder to hold on. I think my family will be much better off without me here.

I don't wanna be here for 31.