in serious need

[okkkk]

The idea that I wont be able to do what I want with my life causes me intense distress beyond words. I thought since I realized the importance of self worth I could just ignore the extreme adverse reality Im placed in. But that doesnt make it less real. Truly having no one invalidates life completely and theres no getting around that fact. The way I truly fucking lost it last night scared me so much. The idea of growing old and becoming nothing and having all this suffering mean nothing as well caused me to weep in a way i havent since I was a kid. It was a feeling I refuse to feel again. The basic elements of my life are so unideal its inhumane yet invisible. Before it was hanging on until the next day but now Its like to what end? If all ive been interested in and dreamed of is simply denied me then why am i putting myself through this. I realize now The entire reason im still alive is for the pursuit of becoming who I want to be and i cant bear to even think about passing the threshold where it is no longer possible. It feels so uncharacteristic of me but I realize that I seriously need help. Yet every avenue available is a dead end. Is this really what the world is?

I cant stress enough how I came to the conclusion that I cant kill myself because I have to believe im worth more than that. And every detractor in my life would be happy that I did so I cant let them have the satisfaction. So how fucked up is it that the idea of no longer experiencing anything still seems so tempting? I cant do it anymore. I cant live like this. Im just writing paragraphs to no one. Its unbearable. This is truly the end of my rope. I cent belive that self worth didnt save me and the grim reality i was placed in by the accident of birth was such a powerful negative force that it override all the effort i put into escaping it. I have real contempt for life at this point. i cant believe it

 

[RedDEE]

I learned a long time ago that self-worth is bullshit. My self is not worth anything. My eyes peer into this meaningless cruel world. Rip out my eyes, they're not worth anything. My tongue speaks nothing but filth, what's it worth really? My identity, my ego - nothing but illusions created by my brain because of evolution. How can my self be worth anything when I don't even have any self at all? My self consists of nothing but contamination and illusion. Worthless junk. Self-worth is a lie I told myself to make me feel better about being worthless - I let that go.

You say you think your self is worth too much to commit suicide. I think my self is worth more than to live this wicked life.

That feeling you felt about life being meaningless? That's how I feel all the time. You can only refuse that feeling so much. You can put your fingers in your ears and go "LA LA LA LA" all you want, but that truth - that life is meaningless, and we grow old and it's all for naught - it will make itself known to you. Because it is truth, and truth refuses itself not to be known. Truth is king.

I'm a Buddhist. I believe every word the Buddha ever spoke. Buddha said Life is Suffering, and detachment from the self leads to happiness. Your self-worth isn't working for you. Try letting go of yourself.

 

[Captive of Mind]

The idea that I wont be able to do what I want with my life causes me intense distress beyond words. I thought since I realized the importance of self worth I could just ignore the extreme adverse reality Im placed in. But that doesnt make it less real. Truly having no one invalidates life completely and theres no getting around that fact. The way I truly fucking lost it last night scared me so much. The idea of growing old and becoming nothing and having all this suffering mean nothing as well caused me to weep in a way i havent since I was a kid. It was a feeling I refuse to feel again. The basic elements of my life are so unideal its inhumane yet invisible. Before it was hanging on until the next day but now Its like to what end? If all ive been interested in and dreamed of is simply denied me then why am i putting myself through this. I realize now The entire reason im still alive is for the pursuit of becoming who I want to be and i cant bear to even think about passing the threshold where it is no longer possible. It feels so uncharacteristic of me but I realize that I seriously need help. Yet every avenue available is a dead end. Is this really what the world is?

I cant stress enough how I came to the conclusion that I cant kill myself because I have to believe im worth more than that. And every detractor in my life would be happy that I did so I cant let them have the satisfaction. So how fucked up is it that the idea of no longer experiencing anything still seems so tempting? I cant do it anymore. I cant live like this. Im just writing paragraphs to no one. Its unbearable. This is truly the end of my rope. I cent belive that self worth didnt save me and the grim reality i was placed in by the accident of birth was such a powerful negative force that it override all the effort i put into escaping it. I have real contempt for life at this point. i cant believe it

I am right there with you. This life seems like a cruel game for some and for others it is a walk in the park. Some people have minds that are well equipped to face terrible life circumstances and still press on. Sometimes I wonder if they too want out but they either don't have the courage to end it or they have too much SI to make it happen. Maybe they feel like they owe it to others to stick around and suffer so that they don't cause pain for anyone else. Most of the time, it's probably that they think things will get better. Has anyone else ever wondered if some people don't want us to ctb because they are jealous that they can't do it themselves?