In recovery, but that might not have been for me

[Despondency]

Hello SS,

I've been in recover for a few months now. I get chills sometimes reading my journals and notes, recalling how very close I was to CTB. I wouldn't consider myself depressed so much, but almost, like regret.

I have an autoimmune condition, gender dysphoria, and live thousands of miles from any friends or family. Truly, I moved here to die if I didn't find my way. Things are starting to look better, but I've recently had a very bad setback with my autoimmune disease that reminds me of how the world will always be cruel.

I wonder still if I am actually regressing. I came so close to finally having Peace and leaving my problems. I wonder if I've lost my progress and now will forever be a slave to this life I never wanted.

Some days, recovery isn't so great either.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Recovery is not going to be a constantly uphill climb. Sometimes you'll roll down that metaphorical mountain and end up in really familiar places. The difference will be how long you hang around there, how often, and the thoughts and decisions you make when you fall.

It's good that you are analyzing your situation this way, because that means you realize you are feeling hopeless and sad, and generally shitty! Before you started recovery, did you always notice when you were "regressing" into suicidal ideation? Or was it more that it'd happen randomly, or maybe it was constantly there and you never felt happiness long enough to notice?

Reach out to others, whether that's online or phone call or anything. You need support right now! Even talking to your doctor (if you have the means to see one) could be really helpful for getting grounded and feeling more hopeful.

Best of luck!

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that shows how cruel life is, you can try and get better and yet life works against you. This can lead to hopelessness and despair. So much can go wrong that is out of our control. I wish you the best, it does take courage to try and recover after being in such a bad place.

 

[Despondency]

Recovery is not going to be a constantly uphill climb. Sometimes you'll roll down that metaphorical mountain and end up in really familiar places. The difference will be how long you hang around there, how often, and the thoughts and decisions you make when you fall.

It's good that you are analyzing your situation this way, because that means you realize you are feeling hopeless and sad, and generally shitty! Before you started recovery, did you always notice when you were "regressing" into suicidal ideation? Or was it more that it'd happen randomly, or maybe it was constantly there and you never felt happiness long enough to notice?

Reach out to others, whether that's online or phone call or anything. You need support right now! Even talking to your doctor (if you have the means to see one) could be really helpful for getting grounded and feeling more hopeful.

Best of luck!

Thank you for this very thoughtful response.

Before recovery, I was dangerously growing closer to accepting my Peace. I would seek discussion on sucicde. I'd enjoy cutting myself and passing out. I really knew what I was doing and the scariest part is I was *seeking* it.

That's actually helpful to reflect on, so thank you for asking. Think it'll be a good thing to journal. I believe it's helpful because I can see today that my desire is for life, generally, probably even usually. That's probably the biggest difference between recovery out of recovery.