In a way I’m already dead

[RedHarlequin]

That person I was as a kid and young adult with all the interests, hobbies, emotions and life goals has been slowly disappearing without even me noticing over the years. Now there is an empty shell and unbearable numbness. I wish people could see this from outside. Now I just feel like an imposter, the dead amongst the living. The funeral should have been held years ago. In a way I won't even be killing myself because there already is nothing there. So there isn't ever a reason to grieve.
I was wondering if anyone else experiences this?

 

[BlankUser]

I feel very similar. My mental illness destroyed everything. I remember myself when I was a child, when I was OCD-free. I used to enjoy many things. I never thought life would end up like this. It sucks that we were dealt bad cards in our life and almost no one wants to understand us.

 

[Beachedwhale]

I don't think I have the same experience but I do feel like I've been mourning something lost for years now.

I was mourning even when there was really nothing to mourn. Now, I do actually have something to mourn...the opportunities lost and time wasted in mourning!

That's the brain for you.

 

[Pookie]

I feel the same.

 

[EnnuiCat]

Absolutely the same. I once had ambition, dreams and hopes. I'm not even sure when I gave up on it all. Too many accumulated disappointments and failures to stay the course. I am now an empty husk of the person I used to be.

 

[death137]

I believe I died 6 years ago.

 

[Rayzieka]

I once thought I was dead and that the final step was in sight. But I was too misinformed on how to take the final step to remove my consciousness.
I know much more now, be it good or bad. I know now.

 

[hahabye]

Lately, I've been feeling the same exact way. Like an empty shell, like I have almost no more connection to that person who I was before. Feels like my mental illness has overtaken and my actual personality is buried deep underneath.

I really wish people could see and understand this too. I think that would help them cope with my death. But I told my therapist that I feel this way the other day and I have never seen her so confused. Whereas she usually repeats what I've told her back to me to confirm, she couldn't this time. Made me realise how difficult, if not impossible, it might be for people who've never experienced this feeling to imagine how it feels.

 

[RockBot]

I think most of us here feel something like this to a greater or lesser extent; A mere husk of what we once were.

 

[KrommeVinger]

I feel exactly the same way. I think I started dying about 25 years ago.

 

[Bullit]

Yes, I feel that I am dead already. I don't know why I go on. I guess I don't want to be dead. I didn't ask for this hell,but that he got it. Wish life was happy.

 

[ClownMe]

i relate big time to this! in my case, ive been dead since I was 12 years old.

 

[logan]

I feel the same way.
Until about 3 years ago, everything was fine.
Difficult experiences and events can literally break us.

 

[fly away]

That is so me. I gave up getting out of bed over a year ago.
I'm just waiting. For the right time.

 

[demuic]

I'm just waiting. For the right time.

Same here. I can't go on anymore. All the life has been sucked out of me. Every time I try to get up, I get pushed back down. I'm done fighting. I give up. All I'm waiting for is the right opportunity.

 

[jusbug]

got nothing more to say

 

[Celerity]

I don't know if there was that much more depth to me when I was younger. My emotions ran rampant, and I had a lot of foolish ideas about myself and the world.

I do know that I have changed a ton but that people still aren't satisfied with who I am. It seems I will never fit in anywhere.

 

[Broken Buzz]

I'm not emotionless, but since the only emotion I now experience is a deep, interminable sadness, I no longer feel light or dark, just the ephemeral void. I am at my happiest in the distant memories of those who love me, but those who truly know me know there is nothing left of me to know.

It's tempting to say that this is depression, but at what point does depression become a philosophy? I think I've reached that point, I am not depressed, I'm rational and lucid. By objective standards, my life no longer has enough value to be worth the cost of repair.

When your life loses all meaning, hope defenestrates and your whole identity follows suit - it surely isn't death but the reunion of consciousness with the soul that has already long gone.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, I felt like that for 3 years and had become a NEET.
I was just a burden for everyone and had no passion for anything.

Now, I'm doing much better.

I guess what helped me was doing basic stuff such as cleaning my apartment and taking a shower everyday! Oh, and very important, you gotta find a hobby! In my case, it was learning japanese!! It's amazing how a language could "save" me.

Hope you can find something and feel better!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel the same way, life has always worked against me and has worn me down. There is only so much one human being can take. I used to get upset a lot but now I just feel emotionless. I think I have slowly died inside. I don't really see a future for myself and I just spend all my time with my thoughts and memories. I was never really happy though, I just think I was never meant to be alive.

 

[RedHarlequin]

I feel very similar. My mental illness destroyed everything. I remember myself when I was a child, when I was OCD-free. I used to enjoy many things. I never thought life would end up like this. It sucks that we were dealt bad cards in our life and almost no one wants to understand us.

Im sorry this has happened to you too. On the one hand even though it sounds bad I'm glad I'm not the only one, on the other I am sad for you, sad that another person has to go through this.

Yes, I felt like that for 3 years and had become a NEET.
I was just a burden for everyone and had no passion for anything.

Now, I'm doing much better.

I guess what helped me was doing basic stuff such as cleaning my apartment and taking a shower everyday! Oh, and very important, you gotta find a hobby! In my case, it was learning japanese!! It's amazing how a language could "save" me.

Hope you can find something and feel better!

Hugs,

Matt

I am glad you could somehow escape this and that you have found something that brings you joy. I am convinced that sometimes it is possible to change things and find hobbies but sometimes it is just brain chemistry and no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you fight against it there is just brain chemistry and the only thing you can do is observe how you turn into a lifeless shell. I have really tried to do sports, to go outside, watch movies, read books but it doesn't help. Nothing feels good.

I feel the same way, life has always worked against me and has worn me down. There is only so much one human being can take. I used to get upset a lot but now I just feel emotionless. I think I have slowly died inside. I don't really see a future for myself and I just spend all my time with my thoughts and memories. I was never really happy though, I just think I was never meant to be alive.

Fuck, I am sorry you're going through this. I think I was happy as a child but I first tried to kill myself when I was around 12. So I can relate a lot.

I'm not emotionless, but since the only emotion I now experience is a deep, interminable sadness, I no longer feel light or dark, just the ephemeral void. I am at my happiest in the distant memories of those who love me, but those who truly know me know there is nothing left of me to know.

It's tempting to say that this is depression, but at what point does depression become a philosophy? I think I've reached that point, I am not depressed, I'm rational and lucid. By objective standards, my life no longer has enough value to be worth the cost of repair.

When your life loses all meaning, hope defenestrates and your whole identity follows suit - it surely isn't death but the reunion of consciousness with the soul that has already long gone.

"I am at my happiest in the distant memories of those who love me" this made me cry, I'm the same way

That is so me. I gave up getting out of bed over a year ago.
I'm just waiting. For the right time.

I hope the right time comes soon for you. Not that I want you to die, I just know how deep the suffering is.

Absolutely the same. I once had ambition, dreams and hopes. I'm not even sure when I gave up on it all. Too many accumulated disappointments and failures to stay the course. I am now an empty husk of the person I used to be.

Exactly.

 

[IanUK]

I agree - I've been dead inside for years. I can't really understand it. I've been in a relationship for 35 years with someone in,I've. I have a beautiful home, no debts and am incredibly lucky through hard work. Why should I be unhappy? My curse has been to read and have an inquisitive mind hence I am hugely self taught and now find I have zero in common with nearly every other person. This last year where our civilisation has finally gone into free fall and the lunatics have actually taken over on every level, my scant belief in humanity has gone. I loathe our species and our "culture" with a passion I didn't believe I was capable of. The more I see people the less I can stand their company. The only thing that has kept me sane is enforced lockdown. As we come out of it and I have started having to interact, I realise I gave zero to say and absolutely no interest. For years I have avoided most humans giving my true affection to animals and nature. The problem is humanity keeps interfering and I am left with a choice - I source a gun (tough to do in the UK) and vent my anger and hatred or I end it. The only positive is I turn 60 this year which means the clock is ticking down to the end. I don't believe I will make old age as living gets harder each day. Waking up and realising that there is no joy to be had but another repeat of every other day means i won't die a natural death. The moment my older partner passes that's my cue. Guys this forum is incredible because I realise now how it isn't just me. I read your feelings and nod. You guys give me the strength to go through with it.