Venting Impulsivity

[I Me & Myself]

I won't kill myself but fuck do i want to.

The problem is it'd an impulsive decision, and I recognise this. I won't act on these Impulses and I'm just reminding myself over and over again that this is not it. This is not what I really want I am just stressed.

I'm scared.

I wouldn't say I regret attempting to kill myself, I'm not glad I survived. I feel neutral about it. I probably wouldn't regret attempting right now. But it'd just extinguish whatever little spark I fought for.

If I ever do it, I wish for it to be properly planned and not an impulsive cut to my life. But reminding myself of this, doesn't make the feeling any less.

Like literally 2 weeks ago I was super optimistic that I could handle this. 6 weeks ago I thought about jumping from a bridge. 3 months ago I started applying for university and finding an apartment. Looked forward to it. 4 months ago I ended up in the hospital after an attempt. 9 months ago I engaged myself on the board of an organisation that matters to me. 11 months ago I thiught about being a NEET for a bit and then dying at 30. A year ago I went on concerts and was having the time of my life. Which was 1 month after I first was admitted to a psychiatry because of suicidal intent.

What the fuckkkkkkkkkkk What the fuck what the actual fuck I want to throw up and get hit by a train or get shot or literally anything just kill me so I don't have to do it myself I'm derailing

sorry

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey, don't be sorry, I know that impulsivity and general panic, it gets real bad some days. So first of all know you are doing a LOT more than you probably give yourself credit for. Just a guess, but in my experience we often disregard that part a lot.

I relate so bad to that whole month retrospective bit. My whole life has been pretty much that, stuck on those loops of hope->despair->progress->death planning->fail->hope->progress->despair... you really lose track within a year and with enough time.
What has helped me the most after years of it is just accepting these waves, that they will come and pass, and specially learning to just enjoy the good streaks of days whenever they show up. These seem to exist for you, I'm glad for that. Take any chance you have to take it easy, that might not be posible some days, but it should be a mantra. Also accept that the good days will end, and come back, and from there you can start looking on how to manage the rest.
That rest, the awful streaks and days, you'll get through how best you can. Like you have been, it can get easier and you can learn a lot though specially if u are young. Dunno if you have diagnosis, or meds, support, or techniques to make them more bearable. I have a few of those if u wanna and in the recovery section there are a ton listed too, for example if you are having a panic attack at the moment or just emotional overwhelm, there's stuff there thats' all.

As a quick note, I spent these past few days mostly just resisting buying razors again, succeded at that. A week prior to that, I also bought a ticket for what will be my first concert in, also, over a year. And I plan to try and have fun there like used to :)
the whole thing sucks enormously, but it's also good in part how we can ride the waves and enjoy what we can, that's what we gotta do.

I don't think you want to die right now, you've said so, again you are doing a lot of effort reminding yourself of that and getting through each day. You can get through a lot more than a day, and in time getting through it can become easier. So if you don't wanna die, I can only encourage you to hang in there, rely on people, shit gets worse, shit gets better, I just hope you get overall easier days your way or easier ways to manage them. Big hugs to you <3<33<3<3<3

 

[I Me & Myself]

Hey, don't be sorry, I know that impulsivity and general panic, it gets real bad some days. So first of all know you are doing a LOT more than you probably give yourself credit for. Just a guess, but in my experience we often disregard that part a lot.

I relate so bad to that whole month retrospective bit. My whole life has been pretty much that, stuck on those loops of hope->despair->progress->death planning->fail->hope->progress->despair... you really lose track within a year and with enough time.
What has helped me the most after years of it is just accepting these waves, that they will come and pass, and specially learning to just enjoy the good streaks of days whenever they show up. These seem to exist for you, I'm glad for that. Take any chance you have to take it easy, that might not be posible some days, but it should be a mantra. Also accept that the good days will end, and come back, and from there you can start looking on how to manage the rest.
That rest, the awful streaks and days, you'll get through how best you can. Like you have been, it can get easier and you can learn a lot though specially if u are young. Dunno if you have diagnosis, or meds, support, or techniques to make them more bearable. I have a few of those if u wanna and in the recovery section there are a ton listed too, for example if you are having a panic attack at the moment or just emotional overwhelm, there's stuff there thats' all.

As a quick note, I spent these past few days mostly just resisting buying razors again, succeded at that. A week prior to that, I also bought a ticket for what will be my first concert in, also, over a year. And I plan to try and have fun there like used to :)
the whole thing sucks enormously, but it's also good in part how we can ride the waves and enjoy what we can, that's what we gotta do.

I don't think you want to die right now, you've said so, again you are doing a lot of effort reminding yourself of that and getting through each day. You can get through a lot more than a day, and in time getting through it can become easier. So if you don't wanna die, I can only encourage you to hang in there, rely on people, shit gets worse, shit gets better, I just hope you get overall easier days your way or easier ways to manage them. Big hugs to you <3<33<3<3<3

Thank you for taking the time to respond

This Post would have definetly been better off in recovery, but I just didn't think it seems. I'm in a very emotionally volatile state right now, I think. (Though I feel a bit calmer now)

Crashing after a "good phase" can be really really tough, like you said. I think that's why I *actually* want to commit. Not because I am having a bad phase, but because crashing over and over becomes exhausting. Nevertheless you are right, I don't truly want it. Right now, I am just open to the fact that the day I truly want it may come.

I will take your advice and try to "prepare" for the next good time so I can enjoy it to my fullest. Enjoy your concert! I hope to see Franz Ferdinand live again sometime so I'll be going to a concert too.

I'll Stick to posting in recovery from now on, may be for the best o7