Venting Impulsive temporary isolation

[western_heart]

I think my suicidal part is driving me to isolate. I feel toxic and don't want to hurt others. I will withdraw from socializing for short bursts of time, then come back. It can lasts for minutes, hours, days.

Yesterday I closed Telegram and Discord on my computer entirely. Last night I set limits for the apps on my phone so that I can use each for only two minutes a day. Trying to make it so I don't use the apps without actually uninstalling them. I got tired of compulsively checking the apps just to realize that I'm totally disinterested (and sometimes have contempt for everyone on them).

This was all in response to me being told I was wrong about something at work when I wasn't. I spent most of my evening sulking, not even talking with my girlfriend after a while. I hid in the bedroom playing Xbox using the old console/TV instead of the nicer ones in the living room.

Today, I reopened both apps on my laptop and disabled the limits on my phone... and have been talking to people.

There's so much internal conflict, and part of me is able to stop external communication. I isolate by lying in bed and telling my GF to leave the room. I block myself from writing in my paper journal by refusing to get it from the other room. My digital journal is on Discord which I tell myself to stop using. I want to write on here but often block myself from doing so.

I am surprised I wrote all of this, the stimulants must be working.

 

[western_heart]

Still isolating. I unblocked messenger apps but I am not talking for the most part. I have things to contribute, questions to ask, but I don't do anything. I write messages and delete them, copy links/save images to share but never paste them. I watch conversations go by, desperately wishing to be a part, while also wanting to stay apart.

I am doing this at work too.

I am still replying to direct messages, but the more I isolate the less often people reach out to me. now that I am working again & coronavirus restrictions are over, I should be trying to make new friends and planning things to do. But I am not.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Hey :) How are you?

I want you to know that I understand how you feel. I find myself in that phase too, but I've been through the worst of it.

During February and March I was off work because I put a medical leave and couldn't take it anymore. I spent all my days in bed and completely isolated myself. I decided that social networks were bad for me so I uninstalled the apps and only used whatsapp in case people close to me wanted to contact me. But sometimes I wouldn't talk to anyone for days, I wouldn't even answer the calls. I really didn't feel like it. This period did me good and bad at the same time because on one hand I feel that I really needed some time to myself, isolated from everyone and everything, but on the other hand it created social anxiety.

I'm currently back at work and although it still makes an impression on me to see people it has taken more of a toll on me.

To be honest, I haven't gone back to social networks yet and I don't even miss them, I honestly don't know if I'll.

So, what I wanted to tell you was that if you see that social media is bad for you delete it. Don't think twice. Believe me, if you do it later, you'll see that they don't really add anything to you.

If you're feeling lonely, which I relate to quite a bit because loneliness is something I deal with quite often, I think this forum is the right place to vent and beat that loneliness. Most of the community is very supportive, kind and caring and honestly helped me a lot when I was in a black hole and continues to help me today.

Feel free to pm me if you want to vent or talk about anything else.

Take care. I wish you the best. We're all struggling here.

 

[come to dust]

That doesn't sound like a bad thing to me. Being able to detatch yourself emotionally from people makes you less reliant and vulnerable to others. I'd keep it up