Impulsive CTB attempts

[Konjac]

I have to stick with my plan- rough it out until I'm completely ready, and for my family. They're the main reason I'm sticking around until Christmas at least, let them spend one last holiday with me before I'm gone for good. Plus I need to organise all my affairs, write the note, etc. But god, every single day I just want to down my SN on the spot. It honestly takes every ounce of restraint I have to get through the day without, well. Dying. Don't get me wrong, I'm dead set on CTB, but I just. Can't right now. It's not time yet. I hate it agh. All my past attempts were impulsive, which is probably why they failed, but I never learn my lesson.

Anyone else struggle with anything similar? This is the worst.

 

[JustABunchOfAtoms]

You don't have to ctb if you don't want to. This is a pro choice from not pro ctb

 

[UglyDuck666]

You must be completly sure about that, don't forcing Yourself. I also fighting with impulsiveness and some kind of mental exercise (moment of death and afterlife visualization) helps me a lot. Meditation is also very good for problems like this.
It's ok now, You have all thosepeople here. Also, acctep this fact: Everybody dies and it's our fate. Maybe not today, not tomorrow but someday You'll finally get Your freedom.
Btw, Abbacchio= best goth boi

 

[muffin222]

I completely relate. I've had to resist the urge to impulsively attempt countless times. It's frustrating, but I admire your commitment and dedication to waiting until you're totally ready. That's the best stance to take on ctb, in my opinion. There's no rush

 

[heliumornitrogen]

I think no matter how much we want to CTB, most of us will feel some degree of doubt and anxiety when it comes to the crunch, so to speak. We are human after all, we have built in survival mechanisms, and some days are worse than others, at least this in the case in my experience. If we could just click a link on the screen and we we were automatically dead the second we clicked, none of us would probably be here now, but it´s much harder than that. I´m close to having all the equipment I need to carry out my CTB and that in itself makes me feel better, therefore making it potentially harder to carry it out, if you know what I mean. So there is no rush. If you have the means available to you to carry it out, then you can wait until you are ready.

 

[NodusTollens]

That sounds rough; the family dilemma, coupled with what your personal desires are... that's a lot for anyone (holidays definitely don't help). What's going through your mind during those impulsive moments?

I somewhat understand where you're coming from, my first attempt was impulsive- though I'd been suicidal for years prior. There was an event &I said, "that's it!" Failed, landed in the hospital. I'd been having impulsive thoughts to kill myself but ignored them for the most part, until that night.

Recently, I've been feeling that "itch" again... I find myself thinking, "if I just...I won't have to do this anymore." These thoughts happen if I walk by an overpass, stand near a train, near traffic... despite having an actual method available to me.

 

[PNKPNDA]

I feel you on this one- my experiences have been impulsive and it is still very much the case at the moment- only you can really make the decision and if you feel it is not the right time then distractions will have to do for the time being
you got this. xx

 

[Deleted member 17949]

One thing I love about my plan is it is pretty versatile with time, so if my mood changes and I want to do it earlier or later that's fine.

 

[LUNANYX]

I'm the same. All of my previous attempts have always been impulsive & so it ends in failure. Hate the fact that I have SN right in the palm of my hands but I can't bring myself to go with a date and plan