I'm worried about how my family will be hurt

[affirmatice]

My mind has been a severe depression fog for the last few months. It's really weird going about daily tasks and still living a "normal" life while contemplating whether or not you want to end it all.

But even as my brain has started to just detach from all the things going on, I still care about those around me. My friends and my family. My friends would be hurt no doubt, but they'll move on.

My family... I just don't know if I could do this to them. My brothers, my mom, my dad. My parents are older in age, no doubt this would ruin the rest of their lives. My dad is quite a pessimist and struggles dealing with major events (quite similarly to me) - he once contemplated suicide because he caught one of my siblings smoking weed.

I don't know... I'm in so much pain that I don't see improving. I don't see myself suffering through life just to keep those around me happy. But at the same time, it would be an unbelievably terrible thing to do to my family.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

My mind has been a severe depression fog for the last few months. It's really weird going about daily tasks and still living a "normal" life while contemplating whether or not you want to end it all.

But even as my brain has started to just detach from all the things going on, I still care about those around me. My friends and my family. My friends would be hurt no doubt, but they'll move on.

My family... I just don't know if I could do this to them. My brothers, my mom, my dad. My parents are older in age, no doubt this would ruin the rest of their lives. My dad is quite a pessimist and struggles dealing with major events (quite similarly to me) - he once contemplated suicide because he caught one of my siblings smoking weed.

I don't know... I'm in so much pain that I don't see improving. I don't see myself suffering through life just to keep those around me happy. But at the same time, it would be an unbelievably terrible thing to do to my family.

I made a post not too dissimilar to this a little bit ago (Sep. 27) so I definitely understand where you are coming from, though slightly differently. I have no siblings and my dad left when I was younger. I understand how you are conflicted. I have no real advice to offer though, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this, I also don't want to hurt my family so I'm trying really hard to stick around because, as you said, it would be a terrible thing to inflict on my family.

 

[James Sunderland]

That fog, as you put it, is really tough to get through, being removed and heavy with everything. You are carrying a lot, trying to live 'normally' while that inner storm confronts you. And yet, even in all of this pain, how much you clearly care for your family shines through. That says a lot about you. It's not easy holding in both the pain and the love at once, you know?

You talked about your dad and how he's navigated struggles before. It sounded like perhaps you share more with him than the pain, and that a part of him would actually want to understand how you're feeling. If this is okay, what do you think he might say if he knew how much you're hurting right now? Not to push it, but just curious to see what it would be like were that door opened, if only a little.

 

[affirmatice]

That fog, as you put it, is really tough to get through, being removed and heavy with everything. You are carrying a lot, trying to live 'normally' while that inner storm confronts you. And yet, even in all of this pain, how much you clearly care for your family shines through. That says a lot about you. It's not easy holding in both the pain and the love at once, you know?

You talked about your dad and how he's navigated struggles before. It sounded like perhaps you share more with him than the pain, and that a part of him would actually want to understand how you're feeling. If this is okay, what do you think he might say if he knew how much you're hurting right now? Not to push it, but just curious to see what it would be like were that door opened, if only a little.

It's not easy to live like this. Well better put - it's nearly impossible, hence the reason I'm on this forum.

The love I have left for those around me, i think it shows how much I have and how much I still hold onto life even as it feels like I'm fading away.

But the pain I feel is one that is internal to me. There is nothing that anyone can say or do that can give me back what I lost - it's a chronic physical problem I struggle with. Sad to say this one thing has caused me to look around at the world around me and feel completely hopeless at being a part of it.

That's why I don't know if opening up to my father - or anyone else would help. My struggles with myself are all within my mind and my body. i've never opened up to anyone about it (other than my therapist). And even after talking to my therapist, I didn't necessarily feel much "relief". The problem is still here, and I still haven't been able to cope with it.

 

[James Sunderland]

Of course, it is no easy way to be living, and it totally makes sense that you would feel this way, on the edge, considering something heavy and chronic that you are going through. It just shows how strong you are that despite what feels like a fade, you still hold onto love for those around you. It is not something many people in your place could do.

I get why opening up to your dad or anyone else feels like it might not change anything. It's not like they can make the physical pain disappear, and that can make it feel pointless to talk about. But sometimes, it's not about finding relief or solving the problem. It's about having someone else understand even a small part of what you're carrying. You know, just feeling like you're not so isolated with it. Your pain is real and personal, and sharing it doesn't mean you expect someone to fix it, it means you're inviting them to sit beside you in it. And you deserve that kind of understanding. Maybe that's something worth exploring? Not because it will magically make things better, but because you deserve to feel seen, even in the darkness.

I'm always here to listen if you want to keep sharing, thanks for reaching out.

 

[ReflectionOfTrauma]

I wanna cry when I feel about leaving my sister. I can't stay alive for myself and I know staying alive wouldn't make a big difference for her.

I just don't know how to explain to her I won't be always there for her. I can't think about it. It's too much.

 

[sevennn]

yeah especially since my stupid dad just died and it'd be too much ok everyone. but i'm suffering so badly

 

[fallingtopieces]

I understand very well what you mean. I have cried many times when I think of the hurt I will cause my family, people who i love deeply and who love me.

 

[ReflectionOfTrauma]

I understand very well what you mean. I have cried many times when I think of the hurt I will cause my family, people who i love deeply and who love me.

I really wish I could go out in a hospital by getting euthanized.

How can I tell someone "I love you" and next day leave them by themselves ? I really hope my my suicide won't cause too much pain to anyone

 

[affirmatice]

Of course, it is no easy way to be living, and it totally makes sense that you would feel this way, on the edge, considering something heavy and chronic that you are going through. It just shows how strong you are that despite what feels like a fade, you still hold onto love for those around you. It is not something many people in your place could do.

I get why opening up to your dad or anyone else feels like it might not change anything. It's not like they can make the physical pain disappear, and that can make it feel pointless to talk about. But sometimes, it's not about finding relief or solving the problem. It's about having someone else understand even a small part of what you're carrying. You know, just feeling like you're not so isolated with it. Your pain is real and personal, and sharing it doesn't mean you expect someone to fix it, it means you're inviting them to sit beside you in it. And you deserve that kind of understanding. Maybe that's something worth exploring? Not because it will magically make things better, but because you deserve to feel seen, even in the darkness.

I'm always here to listen if you want to keep sharing, thanks for reaching out.

Thanks for the message brother.
I guess it's a very complex mental/physical problem. A lot of very deep emotions attached. Heavily shame (my own actions in a way caused this suffering - although at a time when I was careless and ignorant of potential consequences), regret, guilt, anger (this is the one thing in my life that has repeatedly pulled me down with no escape (hard to escape your own physical body).

That's made it difficult to cope with, and even harder to open up about. So... I'm not sure. I'm not sure where to go with this. It seems like at the very least, opening up about it would be at least slightly better than suffering in silence. But when I think about talking to anyone about it, and worrying about how they're perception of me may change. It just seems impossible.

 

[asa]

I can relate to you. My mom has been struggling with depression for longer than I have and me catching the bus would probably be her last straw and make her suicidal.
Living for others feels like such a chore but ultimately we can't help it yk? It feels like I'll be abandoning my mom to face her struggles alone.
I truly hope and pray it gets better for you and that you find a good support system

 

[James Sunderland]

Thanks for the message brother.
I guess it's a very complex mental/physical problem. A lot of very deep emotions attached. Heavily shame (my own actions in a way caused this suffering - although at a time when I was careless and ignorant of potential consequences), regret, guilt, anger (this is the one thing in my life that has repeatedly pulled me down with no escape (hard to escape your own physical body).

That's made it difficult to cope with, and even harder to open up about. So... I'm not sure. I'm not sure where to go with this. It seems like at the very least, opening up about it would be at least slightly better than suffering in silence. But when I think about talking to anyone about it, and worrying about how they're perception of me may change. It just seems impossible.

I hear you. The weight of regret, guilt, and anger can be crushing, especially when you feel like you're stuck inside a body that's giving you nothing but pain. And it makes total sense that trying to open up about all that would feel nearly impossible, it's like you're risking even more judgment on top of what you're already dealing with.

But the fact that you're even considering it says a lot about your strength. I know it's complicated, and that there's no easy path forward, but maybe just sharing bits of what you're feeling, like you're doing now, can be a start. It's not about telling everyone or having the perfect words; it's more about letting yourself be a little less alone in it. I'm here, and I promise there's zero judgment. If you want to talk more, even if it's messy or hard to put into words, I'm listening in this thread.

 

[affirmatice]

I hear you. The weight of regret, guilt, and anger can be crushing, especially when you feel like you're stuck inside a body that's giving you nothing but pain. And it makes total sense that trying to open up about all that would feel nearly impossible, it's like you're risking even more judgment on top of what you're already dealing with.

But the fact that you're even considering it says a lot about your strength. I know it's complicated, and that there's no easy path forward, but maybe just sharing bits of what you're feeling, like you're doing now, can be a start. It's not about telling everyone or having the perfect words; it's more about letting yourself be a little less alone in it. I'm here, and I promise there's zero judgment. If you want to talk more, even if it's messy or hard to put into words, I'm listening in this thread.

Hi James,
I would like to talk a little bit more about my situation. And I know it may be odd or bizarre reason for me to be here. But lately the thoughts have become overwhelming and I felt increasingly likely that I may not be here in one year.

Essentially, my sole reason for all my mental suffering stems from my teeth.

Background of my story - I grew up with non existent dental hygiene until the age of 14. My parents were not very strict about it, and I did not understand the importance. Coupled with a sugary diet and braces. I had done severe damage to my teeth by the age of 14. I realize now that this combination was essentially the only way possible to do such severe damage in a short amount of time. igot it fixed up by the dentist. And thought no big deal of it.

When I turned 18, I realized how important this was. I was heading off to a prestigious university. And I fell extremely depressed when I realized a few facts. 1) My teeth were badly damaged and would need constant monitoring throughout life. 2) the appearance bothered me, and it would only get worse. Any "solutions" such as veneers/cosmetic dentistry were not solutions to me. I have - in all my 100s of hours of research of the best doctors in the world - never seen veneers that look completely natural. Besides the fact that they need to be replaced constantly throughout life. 3) the immense shame I felt at knowing that I had let my teeth badly decay, even though I did not know what I was doing.

It may seem like not a huge deal to outsiders, but living with this pain and insecurity has been indescribably hard. And caused me to miss out on everything good in my life.

- I worked out and got extremely fit. But I never felt happy knowing that my teeth were ruined

- I landed a job making in the top 1% out of college. But no money could ever give me back what I lost

- I dated beautiful girls. But the entire time I felt "fake" because I never addressed my teeth, and panicked at what life would be like if I stayed with them and eventually had to get veneers and reveal this to them(I will likely medically need them in the next 5 years due to my countless old fillings going bad). As a result I pushed them away.

- I don't even enjoy good food anymore because it reminds me of my teeth and I feel incredibly bad.

No matter what I did to try to feel better or normal. I would only get dragged down by this one physical issue that I could never overcome or feel comfortable with.

This is a long story. All to say that this one event that happened to me in childhood has irreparably ruined my life. I used to be scared to say such a thing because I felt that people would call me vain, or dramatic, or say that it's not that big of a deal.

But it is. And I don't want to pretend like it's not anymore. I don't see any solutions to happiness. And I know that many on here are struggling with seemingly way worse things. But this is something that I unfortunately cannot overcome. I know that even if I dropped 50k$ on fake teeth, I would not be able to overcome the body dysmorphia and shame that comes with having such an important part of your body replaced.

I know that I have lost 5 years of my life to severe depression and anxiety. And I simply cannot do this for another 50-60 years. Sorry this is a long story.

I know if I somehow overcame the massive shame and embarrassment and revealed this to friends and family. They will 100% say it's not something worth ending my life over. But I disagree. Until someone has experienced something like this that repeatedly drags them down. They will not understand how it feels and the mental pain of everything. Trust me the last thing I want to do is die - hence why I've worked my ass off through my depression to do all these things (gym, work, date, socialize). But it's a curse that I just cannot live with.

At this point my only hope and happiness comes from imagining the life I could've lived. But I know in this current life, it's not possible.