TraumaEscapee:)
I hate my birth family
- Apr 30, 2023
- 207
I'm so depressed it hurts. I feel weak, tired and my chest just doesn't feel great.
So I'm homeless (living in temporary housing) it's very depressing. I love with strangers who aren't social or very friendly (they're not mean) they're just not sociable. It's quite sad because when I first moved in 2 girls were so lovely and they both left. The other ladies that have moved in since just aren't very sociable, chatty or friendly. I knocked on one's door to introduce myself and say "hi" I just wanted to make a friend in the house I lived in and she was just so awkward I thought "why did I even bother" I was so excited too and it just made me feel really sad.
I am very lonely I have no family. They're alive but I can't contact my abusers which is what they are.
Anyway I had a call from housing today and was offered a nice property only a few hours later to get a call and get told I wouldn't be receiving the property. That I wasn't eligible for it because at one point I was living in a hostel and due to my mental health I self harmed, didn't take my medication and was rude to some staff verbally. Apparently because it hadn't been a certain amount of years since the incident of me being evicted, (almost a year actually since I did that) I wasn't eligible for the home.
Yet the person had all of my details, so why did they even bother ringing? Why not just check information before offering me a homeless person a permanent home just to cruelly take it away from me? We've all been rude to people at some point in our lives. Imagine getting your shit together and almost but not quite a year later being denied a home because you were rude to some people, didn't take your medication and self harmed. None of which I do now and the professionals who work with me stuck up for me and said they were disappointed.
It's disgusting really. Getting people's hopes up and dashing them like that. I've been homeless for almost a year now. But no this isn't the news that will lead me to CTB. I've been waiting for other news but also to do with housing yes and to do with relationships with certain people. I have bpd and I cannot fathom a life on my own, lonely and without those people. I will find out soon what is or isn't going to happen and my CTB will be based on that. I'm not going to open my SN yet. However, I am going to get some practice measuring it and measuring water by using salt as a substitute so on the day atleast I know I'm measuring properly.
If you want to know the truth....I moved into a hostel last year after escaping stalking, harassment and domestic violence. I felt so loved and cared for by the hostel staff I felt I finally had a family something I never felt as a foster child. I love them so much. They kicked me out but told me if I got my life together they'd have me back. I am due to find out whether they will accept an application from me soon. They're having a meeting tomorrow. If the answer is no, I will CTB or if the answer is to wait a couple more months I'll CTB the depression and anguish of living in limbo as someone with bpd and other problems is not something I will be able to cope with long term. I just want the only loving family I remember having back. That'd all I want. I love them so much and so dearly I want them back. I cannot fathom a life without them. Even if I went back they'd have to leave at some point BUT the problem is I'm not ready for that to be YET. I haven't just been homeless for almost a year, I've felt so alone and unloved for so long. I just want someone to love me. I crave love and connection. I'm in a lot of emotional pain. I find it scary too living amongst strangers I don't even know. I had a friend and she moved to the hostel I want to move back into. She's living with what was once my loving family even if I have only known them a year and we share no DNA. I just want to be loved and wanted again I just want to go back home to my non biological family that's all I want
I cry often and alot. I'm very sad. Each day I stay I stay because I need an answer a definite answer. I stay for no other reason because I experience a lot of grief and anguish. There's not much kindness or love in my life.
So I'm homeless (living in temporary housing) it's very depressing. I love with strangers who aren't social or very friendly (they're not mean) they're just not sociable. It's quite sad because when I first moved in 2 girls were so lovely and they both left. The other ladies that have moved in since just aren't very sociable, chatty or friendly. I knocked on one's door to introduce myself and say "hi" I just wanted to make a friend in the house I lived in and she was just so awkward I thought "why did I even bother" I was so excited too and it just made me feel really sad.
I am very lonely I have no family. They're alive but I can't contact my abusers which is what they are.
Anyway I had a call from housing today and was offered a nice property only a few hours later to get a call and get told I wouldn't be receiving the property. That I wasn't eligible for it because at one point I was living in a hostel and due to my mental health I self harmed, didn't take my medication and was rude to some staff verbally. Apparently because it hadn't been a certain amount of years since the incident of me being evicted, (almost a year actually since I did that) I wasn't eligible for the home.
Yet the person had all of my details, so why did they even bother ringing? Why not just check information before offering me a homeless person a permanent home just to cruelly take it away from me? We've all been rude to people at some point in our lives. Imagine getting your shit together and almost but not quite a year later being denied a home because you were rude to some people, didn't take your medication and self harmed. None of which I do now and the professionals who work with me stuck up for me and said they were disappointed.
It's disgusting really. Getting people's hopes up and dashing them like that. I've been homeless for almost a year now. But no this isn't the news that will lead me to CTB. I've been waiting for other news but also to do with housing yes and to do with relationships with certain people. I have bpd and I cannot fathom a life on my own, lonely and without those people. I will find out soon what is or isn't going to happen and my CTB will be based on that. I'm not going to open my SN yet. However, I am going to get some practice measuring it and measuring water by using salt as a substitute so on the day atleast I know I'm measuring properly.
If you want to know the truth....I moved into a hostel last year after escaping stalking, harassment and domestic violence. I felt so loved and cared for by the hostel staff I felt I finally had a family something I never felt as a foster child. I love them so much. They kicked me out but told me if I got my life together they'd have me back. I am due to find out whether they will accept an application from me soon. They're having a meeting tomorrow. If the answer is no, I will CTB or if the answer is to wait a couple more months I'll CTB the depression and anguish of living in limbo as someone with bpd and other problems is not something I will be able to cope with long term. I just want the only loving family I remember having back. That'd all I want. I love them so much and so dearly I want them back. I cannot fathom a life without them. Even if I went back they'd have to leave at some point BUT the problem is I'm not ready for that to be YET. I haven't just been homeless for almost a year, I've felt so alone and unloved for so long. I just want someone to love me. I crave love and connection. I'm in a lot of emotional pain. I find it scary too living amongst strangers I don't even know. I had a friend and she moved to the hostel I want to move back into. She's living with what was once my loving family even if I have only known them a year and we share no DNA. I just want to be loved and wanted again I just want to go back home to my non biological family that's all I want
I cry often and alot. I'm very sad. Each day I stay I stay because I need an answer a definite answer. I stay for no other reason because I experience a lot of grief and anguish. There's not much kindness or love in my life.
