im uncertain about what i want

[pillowbrat]

does anyone else feel like they want to die, but they are also unsure because they feel like they would miss out on things. but you also feel like nothing could ever be worth everything you have to go through mentally and physically to even get there? i still enjoy some aspects of life, but i'm really struggling right now. it makes me sad to think about who would find my body, what i would miss, but also i just don't want to continue living. the other day i wrote down some of the reasons i wanted to ctb, but they seemed so trivial when the reasons are on paper? i feel like i'm just being immature and irrational. i'm basically on a roller coaster of emotions and doubts

 

[Ghost2211]

Its always good to step back and take the time to reflect on what you desire from life. There is no need to rush any big choices in life especially the biggest choice.

 

[noname223]

I fully agree with RoseyBired. For me personally i know how painful it is to kill myself. This is one reason i want to postpone it as long as possible.

 

[MorningstarMornings]

I've been at odds with this question myself.
I tell myself that what I've accomplished is more then I'd ever hope for 8 years ago. But what else could I achieve, is there something more if I trudged through. it's been big hurdle for accepting myself as of late.
I wrote my problems on paper one time, It felt, robotic. Like part of myself was missing from the list.

 

[foxdie]

I struggle with these thoughts daily. It's tough but only you can decide what you do. Once you're dead, you're dead. Reasons for ctbing are all a matter of perspective, no one can invalidate how you feel because that's how you feel. No reason is truly "trivial" in this dark world but the fact that you are willing to examine those feelings is a good sign. I guess, what do I know lol

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

life isn't as black and white as we think it is, which is a part of the reason why i personally am hesitating. life is never completely good or bad, it's a mix of both. but things like trauma and mental illness and bad events don't care about the good in your life - they only care about making it seem like everything is bad. i hope this made sense.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Massively feel like this. There are a lot of things I want to see and do but I just can't justify it all with how much pain I'd have to go through to get the things I want.

 

[Anonymoussn]

does anyone else feel like they want to die, but they are also unsure because they feel like they would miss out on things. but you also feel like nothing could ever be worth everything you have to go through mentally and physically to even get there? i still enjoy some aspects of life, but i'm really struggling right now. it makes me sad to think about who would find my body, what i would miss, but also i just don't want to continue living. the other day i wrote down some of the reasons i wanted to ctb, but they seemed so trivial when the reasons are on paper? i feel like i'm just being immature and irrational. i'm basically on a roller coaster of emotions and doubts

There is nothing wrong with indecision. Indecision is living for now. You can always change your mind if you are still alive and just end things later on. But you can never go back if you take that leap and make the decision. So it certainly isn't something to take lightly, but it sounds like you aren't in any rush, so I wouldnt feel pressured to make a decision, certainly not unless things change and you start to feel worse.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I recognise there are happy moments I would likely miss out on by dying early, but really I just see those as being counteracted by the probably much more numerous, and more intensely felt moments of suffering I would also escape from.

I agree with the idea of the juice not being worth the squeeze, as it were. This has felt so true to me for so many things in life, where a reward is promised after hard work. It just doesn't feel worth it to me.

To quote Dwayne Johnson (allegedly): "You either suffer the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret." and this is a very basic insight that doesn't at all capture the complexities of life, however I feel there is truth to it.

But why? Why do I need to suffer any pain at all? This is maybe my deepest gripe with existence. I do not want any pain, I reject all of it.