ilied
imsorry
- Sep 29, 2023
- 12
I've been suicidal for as long as I knew the meaning of the word, and for good reason. My life isn't the type you brag about or even write about cause its not tragedy novel bad it's oh shit we can't disclose this to the media bad.
I don't blame my suicidal thoughts on it though. I've always thought that if I asked for help early on i probably could have had a better life and would have been able to live a normal life, However I didn't. Perhaps this is because of damage that had already been done to my psyche but I believed could handle it and become something grate and people wouldn't look at me like a tragic person but someone who has his shit together, someone we don't have to worry about.
Sad as reality often is it turns out I couldn't cut it. Don't get me wrong for a while I had them going, I had phenomenal grades best in my school I lied allot to make people believe that i had a good home situation. I would boast about how we always went on extravagant holidays, how we had a play fight around the table the day before, and all the presents I got for Christmas. When that couldn't have been further from the truth.
I won't go into the things that have happened in my life due to the discomfort of acknowledging them but eventually teachers would start asking me to stay after class to talk to me. I broke right there and then, "why would i have to stay after class", "thats what teachers to say to kids with problems", "I don't have problems I'm normal". I can't remember what they asked me all I can remember saying was how "I'm ok" and for the first time in my life making a non-convincing fake smile.
See up until that point In my head the lies I told other people were my truth i truly believed that I was intelligent and had an amazing life people were jealous of. But now I was a troubled kid who makes people uncomfortable with his problems the reality hit me and it hit hard. My grades would slowly drop and I learnt that some teens would cut themselves not knowing why and never seeing it before in my sheltered school I started doing it and people never looked at me to the same again.
Some things would happen landing me in a orphanage and then relocated to my grandparents after some time where i slipped 8th grade.
I then started school again at the 9th grade. I wasn't interested in school anymore and would continue to get average grades for the rest of highschool. I would still lie about my life to a less exaggerated extent but for the same reason. I've now graduated highschool and I think there's no hope for me. I feel like a cancer that this world is trying to exterminate.
Every job I get, every hobby I attempt, every Idea I get makes me feel utterly incompetent. When I look in the mirror I see a nothing, the world sees a bleeding corpse covered in scars and the people in my life see a disappointment.
To this day I thinking of reasons not to CTB. but maybe it's time to look look for reasons to go through with it.
thank you for reading my nonsensical thoughts. sorry if it was shit. cya
I don't blame my suicidal thoughts on it though. I've always thought that if I asked for help early on i probably could have had a better life and would have been able to live a normal life, However I didn't. Perhaps this is because of damage that had already been done to my psyche but I believed could handle it and become something grate and people wouldn't look at me like a tragic person but someone who has his shit together, someone we don't have to worry about.
Sad as reality often is it turns out I couldn't cut it. Don't get me wrong for a while I had them going, I had phenomenal grades best in my school I lied allot to make people believe that i had a good home situation. I would boast about how we always went on extravagant holidays, how we had a play fight around the table the day before, and all the presents I got for Christmas. When that couldn't have been further from the truth.
I won't go into the things that have happened in my life due to the discomfort of acknowledging them but eventually teachers would start asking me to stay after class to talk to me. I broke right there and then, "why would i have to stay after class", "thats what teachers to say to kids with problems", "I don't have problems I'm normal". I can't remember what they asked me all I can remember saying was how "I'm ok" and for the first time in my life making a non-convincing fake smile.
See up until that point In my head the lies I told other people were my truth i truly believed that I was intelligent and had an amazing life people were jealous of. But now I was a troubled kid who makes people uncomfortable with his problems the reality hit me and it hit hard. My grades would slowly drop and I learnt that some teens would cut themselves not knowing why and never seeing it before in my sheltered school I started doing it and people never looked at me to the same again.
Some things would happen landing me in a orphanage and then relocated to my grandparents after some time where i slipped 8th grade.
I then started school again at the 9th grade. I wasn't interested in school anymore and would continue to get average grades for the rest of highschool. I would still lie about my life to a less exaggerated extent but for the same reason. I've now graduated highschool and I think there's no hope for me. I feel like a cancer that this world is trying to exterminate.
Every job I get, every hobby I attempt, every Idea I get makes me feel utterly incompetent. When I look in the mirror I see a nothing, the world sees a bleeding corpse covered in scars and the people in my life see a disappointment.
To this day I thinking of reasons not to CTB. but maybe it's time to look look for reasons to go through with it.
thank you for reading my nonsensical thoughts. sorry if it was shit. cya
