venerated-vader
Finger Guns(tm)
- Mar 11, 2025
- 137
Deeply personal and incredibly embarrassing shit incoming, but oh-the-fuck-well.
It occurred to me yesterday that i don't understand why people feel the need to have sex. So, people get horny. I have a libido, I UNDERSTAND THAT. but I don't get why people can't masturbate and feel satisfied. Why does there need to be this unexpressed expectation that sex must go from 0-100 or it doesn't count? God forbid someone is uncomfortable but feels obligated to do the whole thing because i mean they 'already started' right?
My partner hasn't forced me into anything, to be clear; I come off as incredibly enthusiastic. I match their energy completely, and I make sure I'm always enthusiastic about it regardless of how I feel, because that's what they want and I will be what they want. But that doesn't change the way I feel deeper down (who would have guessed), and dealing with their ensuing irritation in the event I'm not interested in 100%ing this quick time event sure feels like I'm being punished for not participating.
So I'm usually trying to dissociate while we do this shit, or I try to focus on all the fun they're having, because their satisfaction has been gratifying enough to me, and I tell myself that's enough. But it seems like that's all I'm there to do. But lo and behold, I've been betraying myself time and time again because I'm an NPD ridden bastard who is desperate for my partner to believe I'm The Best and exactly who they want, so they won't want to leave. That's so fucking pathetic, oh my GOD. I cannot possibly put into words how angry it makes me that I've fallen into this trap... you know, the trap i set for myself out of sheer malignant ignorance. Childhood trauma go brr.
Narcissistic personality disorder has me aiming to not just satisfy my partner, but to do it perfectly. If they're not happy, I feel like I'm fucking up. They must believe I'm the best at having sex, and I must do it right, otherwise I have to re-evaluate what I'm doing and study what it is they enjoy so it'll be better next time. You ever ruminate over conversations? That's me, but with sex. This haunts me for hours. Days. And it's because I just want them to be happy. I'm not out here trying to deceive them, but I have been deceiving myself so the result is the same. I've found ways to make myself believe I enjoy the process, and I've been happy to do it. Except I'm not happy, actually, because I see all this effort I'm putting in, and I don't see that from my partner (which, obviously I don't. they don't see this from ME, right? They don't know. so how would I know?), so I start to think I'm doing more than they are. And bam, all of a sudden I'm irritated and angry and feeling neglected, when at the end of the day I'm the one sitting here coming up with all this shit and then not understanding why I'm miserable. That, too, is pathetic. I'm like a chameleon trying to become what people expect of me instead of trying to stay true to myself-- except, there's no one to stay true TO because there's no unified sense of self, here. But i've been so terrified of admitting it to myself (which, at this point my partner is aware of this, but i don't know how much they understand, given how little I understand.)
I wish I would have known about NPD when i met my partner, because otherwise I wouldn't have put us in this situation. I just thought I was doing the right thing by them, because I got it in my head that when you're in a relationship, sex comes as part of the deal or there is no relationship. But as it turns out, I'm just a liar, and I believed myself 100,000%. Whoopdeedo, NPD fucking sucks, 0/10.
It occurred to me yesterday that i don't understand why people feel the need to have sex. So, people get horny. I have a libido, I UNDERSTAND THAT. but I don't get why people can't masturbate and feel satisfied. Why does there need to be this unexpressed expectation that sex must go from 0-100 or it doesn't count? God forbid someone is uncomfortable but feels obligated to do the whole thing because i mean they 'already started' right?
My partner hasn't forced me into anything, to be clear; I come off as incredibly enthusiastic. I match their energy completely, and I make sure I'm always enthusiastic about it regardless of how I feel, because that's what they want and I will be what they want. But that doesn't change the way I feel deeper down (who would have guessed), and dealing with their ensuing irritation in the event I'm not interested in 100%ing this quick time event sure feels like I'm being punished for not participating.
So I'm usually trying to dissociate while we do this shit, or I try to focus on all the fun they're having, because their satisfaction has been gratifying enough to me, and I tell myself that's enough. But it seems like that's all I'm there to do. But lo and behold, I've been betraying myself time and time again because I'm an NPD ridden bastard who is desperate for my partner to believe I'm The Best and exactly who they want, so they won't want to leave. That's so fucking pathetic, oh my GOD. I cannot possibly put into words how angry it makes me that I've fallen into this trap... you know, the trap i set for myself out of sheer malignant ignorance. Childhood trauma go brr.
Narcissistic personality disorder has me aiming to not just satisfy my partner, but to do it perfectly. If they're not happy, I feel like I'm fucking up. They must believe I'm the best at having sex, and I must do it right, otherwise I have to re-evaluate what I'm doing and study what it is they enjoy so it'll be better next time. You ever ruminate over conversations? That's me, but with sex. This haunts me for hours. Days. And it's because I just want them to be happy. I'm not out here trying to deceive them, but I have been deceiving myself so the result is the same. I've found ways to make myself believe I enjoy the process, and I've been happy to do it. Except I'm not happy, actually, because I see all this effort I'm putting in, and I don't see that from my partner (which, obviously I don't. they don't see this from ME, right? They don't know. so how would I know?), so I start to think I'm doing more than they are. And bam, all of a sudden I'm irritated and angry and feeling neglected, when at the end of the day I'm the one sitting here coming up with all this shit and then not understanding why I'm miserable. That, too, is pathetic. I'm like a chameleon trying to become what people expect of me instead of trying to stay true to myself-- except, there's no one to stay true TO because there's no unified sense of self, here. But i've been so terrified of admitting it to myself (which, at this point my partner is aware of this, but i don't know how much they understand, given how little I understand.)
I wish I would have known about NPD when i met my partner, because otherwise I wouldn't have put us in this situation. I just thought I was doing the right thing by them, because I got it in my head that when you're in a relationship, sex comes as part of the deal or there is no relationship. But as it turns out, I'm just a liar, and I believed myself 100,000%. Whoopdeedo, NPD fucking sucks, 0/10.
