Venting Im tired. When is it ok to give up.

[Livingvsdying25]

I am so sick of being alive. I'm so tired of being tired. Honestly my life & yr just seems to be getting worse.

Try hard to live- feel worse
Don't try at all to live- feel the same

I feel like a failure bc I cannot shake the want to kill myself. I cannot pull myself out and I've been tryin but even im sick of this stupid repetition. The desire to actually keep living is getting less and less.

I guess I just don't know when to call it quits... I think I'm learning more so now though.


Ugh... the fact that this is my usual is disgusting to me. It just becomes a joke that isnt funny that I'm even still trying to live.

Life is cruel. Why does more keep being added to my plate while I'm able to handle less.

Oh well I guess. My life is just another and not important anyway.

 

[CarambaAlbum]

I am so sick of being alive. I'm so tired of being tired. Honestly my life & yr just seems to be getting worse.

Try hard to live- feel worse
Don't try at all to live- feel the same

I feel like a failure bc I cannot shake the want to kill myself. I cannot pull myself out and I've been tryin but even im sick of this stupid repetition. The desire to actually keep living is getting less and less.

I guess I just don't know when to call it quits... I think I'm learning more so now though.


Ugh... the fact that this is my usual is disgusting to me. It just becomes a joke that isnt funny that I'm even still trying to live.

Life is cruel. Why does more keep being added to my plate while I'm able to handle less.

Oh well I guess. My life is just another and not important anyway.

I'm sorry you're feeling so trapped in these feelings. It seems like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If I was you, I'd get a method sorted out. I'm thinking of a partial suspension hanging and I won't go through with it immediately but it's there just in case.

But I'd say if you have some kind of support network to talk to, friends or family members, then to at least talk with them about how you're feeling. Never go near doctors. Fuck doctors.

 

[OceanBlue]

Yeah, totally.. the brain does not have our best interests at heart, can come up with all kinds of delusions to keep us in this mess.

 

[The anhedonic one]

So sorry you are going through this.
Hopefully you will soon feel like me and get to that sweet moment in life where you finally just let go.

You no longer have anything or anyone in life that could ever hold you back from CTB.
You also no longer have anything such as a huge amount of cash that could ever keep you here.

One member here posted a brilliant quote not long ago about a thing called " little deaths ".
I interpret these " little deaths " as things that eat away slowly at our minds, such as mental illness, hopeless life situations, and existential crisis.
They also slowly erode our sense of hope until one day, there is no hope left.

I call these " little deaths " my friends because they have eaten away so much of me that there is very little left except a sense of happiness and total commitment to CTB.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best of luck.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it's so awful and tiring feeling trapped here, at least for me the only relief could ever lie in permanently leaving this world, it's true that there's too much suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I'm sorry you're feeling so trapped in these feelings. It seems like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If I was you, I'd get a method sorted out. I'm thinking of a partial suspension hanging and I won't go through with it immediately but it's there just in case.

But I'd say if you have some kind of support network to talk to, friends or family members, then to at least talk with them about how you're feeling. Never go near doctors. Fuck doctors.

Yee tbh been thinking for the last week or so having a method is necessary... I'm gonna maybe buy both SN and nitrogen. Gonna check how much 3rd guitar will sell for.

I wouldn't dream of telling my doctor she'll just invalidate my feelings. As for friends & support systems I dunno anymore. Im starting to feel like it's redundant bc everyone wants me to live & somehow thinks I can so it's like... why bother kinda feeling plus I'm always suicidal as of late so I just feel like a broken record & burden.

Though telling my friend that pretending I wanna live is hurting me helped a little. I probs should have expanded and said I can't live unless im pretending I want to nowadays but I think my message was clear. Have another recently reconnected acquaintance that I shared some of my feels with. It helped a lil but I just feel bad for them to have to hear this...


Anyway thnxxxx for the suggestions/thoughts to consider. Got about 2 weeks until money comes in so either selling a guitar or waiting 2 weeks.

I need out of this life and soon.

So sorry you are going through this.
Hopefully you will soon feel like me and get to that sweet moment in life where you finally just let go.

You no longer have anything or anyone in life that could ever hold you back from CTB.
You also no longer have anything such as a huge amount of cash that could ever keep you here.

One member here posted a brilliant quote not long ago about a thing called " little deaths ".
I interpret these " little deaths " as things that eat away slowly at our minds, such as mental illness, hopeless life situations, and existential crisis.
They also slowly erode our sense of hope until one day, there is no hope left.

I call these " little deaths " my friends because they have eaten away so much of me that there is very little left except a sense of happiness and total commitment to CTB.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best of luck.

Yeee I definitely think I am almost there. The little deaths concept makes a lot of sense and kinda explains how things got so bad.

The little deaths for me have been:

Health getting worse and realization of many chronic health issues.

Realization of what it means to be less below the poverty line/ have a bit more support

Realization that I can't do that for myself. I can't gain that money myself... and I dunno what to do to get better without the needed support.


Things keeping me here used to be friends, hope for a future of my dreams and all that. Now I'm sad but my misery kinda overides the need to stay alive for others/I'm just so far done it doesn't per say matter as much which sounds horrible but if im always suicidal I jus feel like the world is better off without me anyway.



All that to say thnx for the comment and I think I'll be using the little deaths analogy to be explaining where I'm at if needed.

Yeah, totally.. the brain does not have our best interests at heart, can come up with all kinds of delusions to keep us in this mess.

Right!? Likeee having hope is nice until it just causes suffering imo. For me its just not worth it anymore...

I do understand that it's so awful and tiring feeling trapped here, at least for me the only relief could ever lie in permanently leaving this world, it's true that there's too much suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thnxx for always commenting on posts and such I appreciate ur support/its nice to hear from ya.

Im starting to feel the same. Im not sure the little moments of joy are worth all this suffering... plus like... honestly this yr has been so freaking joyless. I've lived most my life without joy. I just started to feel a genuine ok baseline but it seems like the upkeep is just too much for me.

I haven't taken my stimulant meds but I can't per say sleep right now and tbh thats all I want to do. Sleep is the closest thing to death in life...

 

[Aisley]

God, of course you're tired. I'm tired just reading your posts. I don't mean that in any kind of shitty way. I mean I feel your utter exhaustion. I clarify because you got some vicious inner voices.

Personally, (so this doesn't have to mean anything to you) I'd like to see you quit trying, in such a way that you completely embrace it without guilt or shit, and see if you can't enjoy the lack of weight. And explain to your friend, so you don't lose her (cuz she seems to really care) that you need to just unplug from all efrorts and please bare with you. Quit trying to "get better" . I mean, Jesus, what does that even mean? Just exist. Like a blade of grass, needing no more that nutrients and sunlight. Everything else is tinsel.

It's impossible though, and I've been trying for years, to give to someone else the gift of cutting off or shutting down cares. Especially those of you who are weighed down by them. If I'd ever had something useful to give to you here, I would have by now. But you seem to be at the end of your rope. Quit trying so hard.

If you're selling the Gibson, I sure hope you get what it's worth. Don't take them to pawn shops, if those are still things these days.

 

[Ambivalent1]

To go to Valhalla, one must fight to the bitter end.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

God, of course you're tired. I'm tired just reading your posts. I don't mean that in any kind of shitty way. I mean I feel your utter exhaustion. I clarify because you got some vicious inner voices.

Personally, (so this doesn't have to mean anything to you) I'd like to see you quit trying, in such a way that you completely embrace it without guilt or shit, and see if you can't enjoy the lack of weight. And explain to your friend, so you don't lose her (cuz she seems to really care) that you need to just unplug from all efrorts and please bare with you. Quit trying to "get better" . I mean, Jesus, what does that even mean? Just exist. Like a blade of grass, needing no more that nutrients and sunlight. Everything else is tinsel.

It's impossible though, and I've been trying for years, to give to someone else the gift of cutting off or shutting down cares. Especially those of you who are weighed down by them. If I'd ever had something useful to give to you here, I would have by now. But you seem to be at the end of your rope. Quit trying so hard.

If you're selling the Gibson, I sure hope you get what it's worth. Don't take them to pawn shops, if those are still things these days.

Thnxx for clarifying cause yee the inner critic be eating me alive these days I feel like someone could show me & tell me they care/love me but I'd still doubt it at the point..the CPTSD is exhausting...

Tbh my friend seemed/is understanding about me basically giving up last week buttt... I dunno for me personally I have views that after awhile people stop seeing ur pain as suffering but as self perpetuated pain/one not trying hard enough...

Though that's probably trauma of literally being told im not trying hard enough/my family blaming me for being suicidal so
I

As a person I would love to stop trying without worry but I'm not sure im built for it? Like aside from survival mode kicking in/anxiety hmm I get worried about being alive & not making effort. Its trauma again but I was getting to a point where I was relaxing more with ease but then health flare-ups and such triggered survival mode...

I would love to learn to just not care maybe its possible for me but this comment def gave me a lot to think about.

And good point about the guitar I got it in 2013 for like $1000 or smthin? But I've barly played it over the yrs so its in great condition would def needa try to find the original price.

All that to say thnx for this comment. It made me think. I wonder what it means to just stop trying and just exist... I kinda kno but sometimes/its always been in misery

You sound really wise & kind