Venting Im tired, sad,angry and fed the fuck up.

[Livingvsdying25]

Have a history of sexual assault from men.

Yesterday had a task rabbit service to help with installing A/C. It was a man.

When I had to do this 2 yrs ago my mom was around but went out around the time the guy came. She wasn't back for like 20 mins and I basically had a panic attack.

Yesterday the man himself was nice. Was zoom calling my friend to help with the anxiety. When he was here I was so anxious I was shaking and could barly breathe or talk.

When he left the trauma-freeze response plus anxiety was so bad I felt like I was both shutting down wile loosing control of my body.

ended up calling rape crisis centre. Could barly talk for a while but the call was o-k. It just helps to talk when I get stuck like that so.


anyway.... among other things it just me fucking frustrated that shit from.4 yrs ago is impacting me so severely.

I'm annoyed at everything tbh. Start a gofundme with the help of friend. But honestly whats the point? I asked my friend ok so once I get the money to start treatment how do I continue she said she didn't kno... I quickly went into shame and just spiraled off some words about working but we both fucking know I can't fucking word right and it'll be a long time with lots if treatment that I can't fucking afford for me to work enough to support myself through most of life or to thrive in life enough so things aren't so fucking shitty.

I don't know why I even held up hope for it tbh.

So I didn't per say realize it until this morning but... I'm definitely leaning towards suicide. And because slowly but surely I've been moving into a more permanent state of the freeze response... I won't be trying to reach out much / its a lot easier to kill myself in partial freeze.


I'm sure my therapist later will try to offer a perspective of possibilities and shit but I'm just... fed up with life today.

Suicide is feeling better than life these days honestly.



But Suicide seems pretty impossible for me to achieve anyway so.

I just feel a deep deep hopelessness these days.

I kinda just want to set a limit on how long I'll live and be done with it all. But this time I make sure I have everything prepared so its not some stupid date to keep me living but serious.

I wish painless methods were more accessible. I wish methods like a drug mix were accessible.

Gonna have to get creative I guess.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @whatevertryinmeans23,
Sexual assault is extremely frightening,
Like a strike of lightning.
You might be feeling like you're haunted and you'll never be free.

It's like trapped in a torture chamber,
And all you want is the eternal slumber.
But when even CTBing is out of your reach,
"God, please free her," I beseech.

I've never got sexually assaulted, but the idea of getting raped is terrifying.
I guess you are feeling as if every man is carrying a gun and waiting to open fire on you.
It's never your fault to feel hopeless, especially when therapy isn't working.

Sometimes I can't see any option but suicide.
I write a note when I feel I can't keep going anymore. The feeling of progressing toward the exit is so comforting.
Dealing with life is overwhelming and the way out is so tempting.
Writing a note or preparing for CTBing provides me distraction, but I don't know whether it works or not for chronic sense of hopelessness.

I really wish you will be free from this torture

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide also feels like an impossibility for me sadly, I find it so horrible how it's this difficult to leave this world and I get that it's so tiring feeling trapped here, in my case simply just being awake makes the thought of not existing sound so incredibly appealing. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Suicide is feeling better than life these days honestly.

But Suicide seems pretty impossible for me to achieve anyway so.

I just feel a deep deep hopelessness these days.

I kinda just want to set a limit on how long I'll live and be done with it all. But this time I make sure I have everything prepared so its not some stupid date to keep me living but serious.

I wish painless methods were more accessible. I wish methods like a drug mix were accessible.

Gonna have to get creative I guess.

CTB should be your right at any time and anywhere. Why is it impossible right now? All methods have their pros and cons and none of them is easy, sad but true.

 

[Sad Avocado]

Have a history of sexual assault from men.

Yesterday had a task rabbit service to help with installing A/C. It was a man.

When I had to do this 2 yrs ago my mom was around but went out around the time the guy came. She wasn't back for like 20 mins and I basically had a panic attack.

Yesterday the man himself was nice. Was zoom calling my friend to help with the anxiety. When he was here I was so anxious I was shaking and could barly breathe or talk.

When he left the trauma-freeze response plus anxiety was so bad I felt like I was both shutting down wile loosing control of my body.

ended up calling rape crisis centre. Could barly talk for a while but the call was o-k. It just helps to talk when I get stuck like that so.


anyway.... among other things it just me fucking frustrated that shit from.4 yrs ago is impacting me so severely.

I'm annoyed at everything tbh. Start a gofundme with the help of friend. But honestly whats the point? I asked my friend ok so once I get the money to start treatment how do I continue she said she didn't kno... I quickly went into shame and just spiraled off some words about working but we both fucking know I can't fucking word right and it'll be a long time with lots if treatment that I can't fucking afford for me to work enough to support myself through most of life or to thrive in life enough so things aren't so fucking shitty.

I don't know why I even held up hope for it tbh.

So I didn't per say realize it until this morning but... I'm definitely leaning towards suicide. And because slowly but surely I've been moving into a more permanent state of the freeze response... I won't be trying to reach out much / its a lot easier to kill myself in partial freeze.


I'm sure my therapist later will try to offer a perspective of possibilities and shit but I'm just... fed up with life today.

Suicide is feeling better than life these days honestly.



But Suicide seems pretty impossible for me to achieve anyway so.

I just feel a deep deep hopelessness these days.

I kinda just want to set a limit on how long I'll live and be done with it all. But this time I make sure I have everything prepared so its not some stupid date to keep me living but serious.

I wish painless methods were more accessible. I wish methods like a drug mix were accessible.

Gonna have to get creative I guess.

Hey I'm very sorry and ashamed about what happened to you. I am a man and personally I'm on the edge because the girl that I love the most, the one that I had the most beautiful moments with, the one that I ever loved really and the only person that loved me left me and I can't find a way to get back with her. I personally can't imagine about hurting her in any way physical or psychological and I can't think about how horrible that was for you. I obviously can't say anything apart from "I'm sorry" but if you want to talk about it feel free to write me. I know that I am a man and I understand if you don't trust me or have some harsh feelings for me and I know that I'm not even your friend, but at least I want to do something good before I leave. So if you want to talk send me a message and I will try to help the best as I can. I hope you wont ctb for someone else, you will get better and you will have a great future :). Hope that I made you at least smile with this message :). Feel free to reach out to me anytime