I'm in my mid-thirties, have only had two romantic relationships in my adult life, one of them being a fling and the other very brief. I get psycho-somatic symptoms where more or less experience emotions as physical pain. I'm extremely introverted around people I don't know and have extreme social anxiety going to events. I actually usually have a good time once I'm there, but the getting there is so bad I mostly turn around and go back home. On top of my regular health issues I also have chronic health issues that are not really diagnose other than as ME-CFS and related to psychological issues. I'm not working now, but was in a solid profession for the past eleven or so years, but because of my mental/physical health issues my job took everything out of me. I often had nothing left after work or on weekends, and it's only gotten worse even after therapy. I also was raised in an abusive homeschool/religious setting, so until 18-25 I was fairly programmed with some unhealthy ideas around how relationships work, and tbh I just didn't know how dating actually works in the real world. I was never "physical" with anyone until 25, which depresses the hell out of me.
I did all the things you are supposed to do to be healthy the best I could for years. I mediated, have worked out regularly since I was 12 (helped with health issues), did yoga, developed dozes of hobbies, read tons of self-help books, actively worked on improving myself, never did drugs despite how badly I wanted them to shut down all the pain, never even drank until I was 25 (after which I sometimes drank a bit too much, but on occasion), but nonetheless my health has been in a slow but continuous decline.
Put all those things together, and it's not that I couldn't have a serious relationship or don't want one, but I never have the energy or wellness to start one or do all of the social things you have to do to meet people and make new friends.
But even if I did, I have alot of issues courtesy of my upbringing, and I wouldn't want to make someone else miserable. I've actually had a couple of chances, one person in particular who was blatantly interested, but I let them go because I didn't want to end up hurting them.
Now I'm alone, I wake up and it's like my finger-tips are literally in pain wishing for human touch and my whole body just wants someone else to be there. But there's not. And there won't be. And if there was I would destroy the relationship. So I feel so thoroughly alone knowing that I need something so desperately, someone so desperately, but can't reach out and don't think I should if I could.
I do often think it is the one thing that might have made a difference though. Maybe not. Maybe all the romance chemicals would have worn off. Probably I am the kind of guy who gets dumped. Probably I would have been destructive. Probably every person I never dated is the better for it. But god I wish it was otherwise.
I did all the things you are supposed to do to be healthy the best I could for years. I mediated, have worked out regularly since I was 12 (helped with health issues), did yoga, developed dozes of hobbies, read tons of self-help books, actively worked on improving myself, never did drugs despite how badly I wanted them to shut down all the pain, never even drank until I was 25 (after which I sometimes drank a bit too much, but on occasion), but nonetheless my health has been in a slow but continuous decline.
Put all those things together, and it's not that I couldn't have a serious relationship or don't want one, but I never have the energy or wellness to start one or do all of the social things you have to do to meet people and make new friends.
But even if I did, I have alot of issues courtesy of my upbringing, and I wouldn't want to make someone else miserable. I've actually had a couple of chances, one person in particular who was blatantly interested, but I let them go because I didn't want to end up hurting them.
Now I'm alone, I wake up and it's like my finger-tips are literally in pain wishing for human touch and my whole body just wants someone else to be there. But there's not. And there won't be. And if there was I would destroy the relationship. So I feel so thoroughly alone knowing that I need something so desperately, someone so desperately, but can't reach out and don't think I should if I could.
I do often think it is the one thing that might have made a difference though. Maybe not. Maybe all the romance chemicals would have worn off. Probably I am the kind of guy who gets dumped. Probably I would have been destructive. Probably every person I never dated is the better for it. But god I wish it was otherwise.
