Venting I'm tired of waiting. I want to ctb now

[Oblivion Lover]

I don't want to wait anymore for SN or any other peaceful method to ctb. I'm just too tired of this life for waiting another day. I feel like if there was anything with 1% chance of killing me I'd do it. There's a box with strong medications in my house. I want to take them all and see if it works. There's also a vacant bedroom in my house. I could lock myself there and off myself with partial hanging, but what could happen if I failed is too scary for me, and the probability of failing is really great in my case because I never seem to do anything right. Honestly, I don't even care about my parents finding me. I don't care anymore about preparation, about the suicidal note, about how my body will be disposed of. I just can't do it anymore. Everything I do reminds me of how defective my brain is. I can't do anything right. Memory problems, ADHD, anxiety, asperger, aphasia, low IQ, etc. My brain is so f***** up in so many ways! I'm tired of being inferior to others. I'm nowhere as near independent as I should be because I just can't do things right on my own! I don't want to live like this. I'm too weak for that. I'd already have killed myself if I wasn't so afraid of pain, but recently I just can't care about it. I just want to go. I don't want to live like this, hating myself and being unable to do anything right. I don't want to need to worry about my defective brain anymore. Why is it so difficult to just leave this horrible place?

 

[Empty Smile]

Why is it so difficult to just leave this horrible place?

Because if it was easy, we'd all already be gone.

 

[TimeToDie]

I'd already have killed myself if I wasn't so afraid of pain....

Same here. I'm too afraid to live, yet I'm also too afraid to die. This evening I was hearing fireworks and thinking about how a gunshot would blend right in. Independence Day would be quite an appropriate day to declare personal independence from mortal suffering.

 

[cornflowerblue]

I don't want to wait anymore for SN or any other peaceful method to ctb. I'm just too tired of this life for waiting another day. I feel like if there was anything with 1% chance of killing me I'd do it. There's a box with strong medications in my house. I want to take them all and see if it works. There's also a vacant bedroom in my house. I could lock myself there and off myself with partial hanging, but what could happen if I failed is too scary for me, and the probability of failing is really great in my case because I never seem to do anything right. Honestly, I don't even care about my parents finding me. I don't care anymore about preparation, about the suicidal note, about how my body will be disposed of. I just can't do it anymore. Everything I do reminds me of how defective my brain is. I can't do anything right. Memory problems, ADHD, anxiety, asperger, aphasia, low IQ, etc. My brain is so f***** up in so many ways! I'm tired of being inferior to others. I'm nowhere as near independent as I should be because I just can't do things right on my own! I don't want to live like this. I'm too weak for that. I'd already have killed myself if I wasn't so afraid of pain, but recently I just can't care about it. I just want to go. I don't want to live like this, hating myself and being unable to do anything right. I don't want to need to worry about my defective brain anymore. Why is it so difficult to just leave this horrible place?

Before you do anything impulsive with low success rate, educate yourself on the consequences of surviving. You'll go to inpatient psych and have those bills to deal with, and come home after to a life without any freedoms where nobody trusts you or gives you privacy. You might also damage your body and get chronic pain or illness that's absolute hell to life with but doesn't reduce life expectancy at all, paralysis, lost limbs, brain damage so you don't have the IQ to CTB anymore, there are so many ways that can turn out. But even if your health isnt impacted, the loss of freedoms is an absolute.

 

[Severen]

Better to learn some discipline and be patient than to go through agonizing pain and end in up in a hospital...and then back to where you started...except now you have a shitload of bills to pay. So basically, the most efficient way to CTB is by being patient.

 

[deltahead]

i can sympathize. lately i've been having a subhuman amount of difficulty just leaving the house (i intend to go to a shopping mall to check for kitchen scales, measuring cups for SN etc.) and i'm having to plan out days in advance only to look slightly less disgusting in public. like "today i'll shave, tomorrow i could take a shower, then maybe..." but many stupid things have happened, dampening my already abysmal self-control and will. i would recommend not to do it on impulse though. it's a little hypocritical of me since a part of me wants to order SN as early as possible regardless of consequences, despite knowing i have no realistic chance of dying within the near future. we live in the same country, and i don't actually work or do anything that would get me money, so that's also an issue. doing things on impulse has never been worth for me, as liberating as it sounds. especially concerning such a delicate topic.

 

[not_a_robot]

i can sympathize. lately i've been having a subhuman amount of difficulty just leaving the house (i intend to go to a shopping mall to check for kitchen scales, measuring cups for SN etc.) and i'm having to plan out days in advance only to look slightly less disgusting in public. like "today i'll shave, tomorrow i could take a shower, then maybe..." but many stupid things have happened, dampening my already abysmal self-control and will. i would recommend not to do it on impulse though. it's a little hypocritical of me since a part of me wants to order SN as early as possible regardless of consequences, despite knowing i have no realistic chance of dying within the near future. we live in the same country, and i don't actually work or do anything that would get me money, so that's also an issue. doing things on impulse has never been worth for me, as liberating as it sounds. especially concerning such a delicate topic.

lol I don't know why but I always pictured you as too young to shave, isn't that weird?
I'm picturing you a little bit older now.

 

[cornflowerblue]

lol I don't know why but I always pictured you as too young to shave, isn't that weird?
I'm picturing you a little bit older now.

lol kids around here were all shaving their legs and peach fuzz by 12

 

[BeenDoneForSoLong]

Don't do anything to potato yourself man as cornflake said- think of the consequences. There's no point rushing into a wheelchair. You'd be better off hanging yourself with a shoelace something then just grabbing a box of pills.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I don't want to wait anymore for SN or any other peaceful method to ctb. I'm just too tired of this life for waiting another day. I feel like if there was anything with 1% chance of killing me I'd do it. There's a box with strong medications in my house. I want to take them all and see if it works. There's also a vacant bedroom in my house. I could lock myself there and off myself with partial hanging, but what could happen if I failed is too scary for me, and the probability of failing is really great in my case because I never seem to do anything right. Honestly, I don't even care about my parents finding me. I don't care anymore about preparation, about the suicidal note, about how my body will be disposed of. I just can't do it anymore. Everything I do reminds me of how defective my brain is. I can't do anything right. Memory problems, ADHD, anxiety, asperger, aphasia, low IQ, etc. My brain is so f***** up in so many ways! I'm tired of being inferior to others. I'm nowhere as near independent as I should be because I just can't do things right on my own! I don't want to live like this. I'm too weak for that. I'd already have killed myself if I wasn't so afraid of pain, but recently I just can't care about it. I just want to go. I don't want to live like this, hating myself and being unable to do anything right. I don't want to need to worry about my defective brain anymore. Why is it so difficult to just leave this horrible place?

I totally feel your pain. I suffer from some of the same things. Low IQ, Anxiety are the two main ones.
I've never been diagnosed with ADHD or Aspergers but I wouldn't be surprised if I suffer from that as well. It is hard to function.
I wish I had answers for you. I know the feeling of not wanting to be here another day and yet I haven't been able to do it.
All I can do is send you hugs and tell you that you aren't alone. Which doesn't help and is probably lame.
So sorry you are in the same place I am. I know how bad it sucks.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Don't do anything to potato yourself man as cornflake said- think of the consequences. There's no point rushing into a wheelchair. You'd be better off hanging yourself with a shoelace something then just grabbing a box of pills.

Hahahahaha did you mean me? Congrats, you made me laugh out loud :)
PS it's cornflower, not cornflake

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Same here. I'm too afraid to live, yet I'm also too afraid to die. This evening I was hearing fireworks and thinking about how a gunshot would blend right in. Independence Day would be quite an appropriate day to declare personal independence from mortal suffering.

LOVE THIS !!! !!! !!!

 

[Rez_MbChB]

I don't want to wait anymore for SN or any other peaceful method to ctb. I'm just too tired of this life for waiting another day. I feel like if there was anything with 1% chance of killing me I'd do it. There's a box with strong medications in my house. I want to take them all and see if it works. There's also a vacant bedroom in my house. I could lock myself there and off myself with partial hanging, but what could happen if I failed is too scary for me, and the probability of failing is really great in my case because I never seem to do anything right. Honestly, I don't even care about my parents finding me. I don't care anymore about preparation, about the suicidal note, about how my body will be disposed of. I just can't do it anymore. Everything I do reminds me of how defective my brain is. I can't do anything right. Memory problems, ADHD, anxiety, asperger, aphasia, low IQ, etc. My brain is so f***** up in so many ways! I'm tired of being inferior to others. I'm nowhere as near independent as I should be because I just can't do things right on my own! I don't want to live like this. I'm too weak for that. I'd already have killed myself if I wasn't so afraid of pain, but recently I just can't care about it. I just want to go. I don't want to live like this, hating myself and being unable to do anything right. I don't want to need to worry about my defective brain anymore. Why is it so difficult to just leave this horrible place?

If you don't mind me asking how old are you

 

[Oblivion Lover]

If you don't mind me asking how old are you

No problem. I'm 22 years old. Why do you ask?

 

[Rez_MbChB]

No problem. I'm 22 years old. Why do you ask?

Just reading the parts about not being independent etc. I don't think you need to move out if home or anything drastically, it's always getting your mind set straight before everything else. If it helps I'm 25 and working as a doctor yet I live at home right now. Always good to go ta your own pace I wouldn't compare yourself to milestones where you think you should be at, intellectually or emotionally or socially, but I understand me saying this doesn't really help with your situation. Just wanted to put my 2 cents in with the self depricating parts of your post. Hope you find peace anyway man

 

[azucaramargo]

lol I don't know why but I always pictured you as too young to shave, isn't that weird?
I'm picturing you a little bit older now.

Not_a_robot, you are so charismatic and funny! Your insights make me smile.

Hahahahaha did you mean me? Congrats, you made me laugh out loud :)
PS it's cornflower, not cornflake

Hahahahajajajajajana

lol kids around here were all shaving their legs and peach fuzz by 12

That sounds like L.A. to me...

I am also still laughing about your being called Cornflake.