donttellmybf2004
Member
- Feb 7, 2023
- 19
I'm very tired. All my life I have had no choice. I am faced with a future that seems cruel and mean. I know what I have to do to survive: get my GED, scrape together to buy a car, get to the west coast with my boyfriend. From there it's job, apartment, food kitchen.
I can see this future pretty clearly, premeditate the steps. But I know this all contains a horrible amount of suffering, of stress, of terror. It feels awful to say, as I signed up for this and I've never had a choice, but I wish somebody was coming to save me. I wish someone was coming to take care of me. I never was a kid. I never had the security of not being the one who's lifting an entire family line out of the gutter.
I'm scared of what will happen to me when I'm uninsured at the end of this year. Once I'm no longer able to pay for my meds, my heart condition will eventually kill me. My Zoloft will run out, I'll get very depressed again.
When I was younger I took solace in the idea that I had no choice but to do things, I thought it would force me to do them. But now I look at necessities as just another thing I will fail to achieve, and be punished for.
I try to look on the bright side, but I don't think I'm able to anymore. Even if I could achieve my goals and plans, the toll will be horrible.
I keep upping my Zoloft, but it seems like my sadness just follows me.
Anyway, thanks for listening, SS. This place, weirdly enough, makes me feel a lot better. I'm not looking for sympathy, merely to share my feelings because I think that's important. If you're out there feeling directionless, you're not alone.
I can see this future pretty clearly, premeditate the steps. But I know this all contains a horrible amount of suffering, of stress, of terror. It feels awful to say, as I signed up for this and I've never had a choice, but I wish somebody was coming to save me. I wish someone was coming to take care of me. I never was a kid. I never had the security of not being the one who's lifting an entire family line out of the gutter.
I'm scared of what will happen to me when I'm uninsured at the end of this year. Once I'm no longer able to pay for my meds, my heart condition will eventually kill me. My Zoloft will run out, I'll get very depressed again.
When I was younger I took solace in the idea that I had no choice but to do things, I thought it would force me to do them. But now I look at necessities as just another thing I will fail to achieve, and be punished for.
I try to look on the bright side, but I don't think I'm able to anymore. Even if I could achieve my goals and plans, the toll will be horrible.
I keep upping my Zoloft, but it seems like my sadness just follows me.
Anyway, thanks for listening, SS. This place, weirdly enough, makes me feel a lot better. I'm not looking for sympathy, merely to share my feelings because I think that's important. If you're out there feeling directionless, you're not alone.
