Venting I'm tired of living

[imfreezing]

Hello, so this is my first thread.
I wanna vent a bit, I just don't know if what I'm feeling is valid and if my reasons to die also are, I've never went to a psychologist and I think I'm not likely mentally ill but I still can't stand to live, I just don't have anything to live for.

I've always been that one weird person with socializing problems, that led me to never have a group of friends, heck, I haven't even had a close friend in my whole life, I've always been alone, so it's pretty obvious that at 19 years old I've never experienced what most people have already experienced; the first kiss, the first relationship, just having the confort of being close to someone else, I don't even have someone to watch a movie with or play games with, and I'm so fucking bad at socializing, I never fit with people, I always make it akward, I never know what to say or how to act and my looks don't help, nobody wants to befriend an ugly person. People just think I'm weird.

If it has been this way for 19 years what can I expect from the future? At this point I think I'll just die alone. I have never had a meaningful experience in my whole life, it just feels like my past doesn't exists, I can't remember anything important nor anything that had made me happy, not even my childhood was a great thing to remember.
I can't say I've had a harsh life since my parents had always supported me economically and they've never abused me or anything ( though I don't have a strong bond with them anyway), but it stills feel like I'm just not living, nothing in my life is worth it, I don't think I'll have a great future, I think I don't really care about it since deep inside me I'm just waiting to die, and I always feel tired to do anything, I barely do any efforts at college so my grades aren't that good, I go through the days doing nothing, not even using that time idly watching series or playing games, I don't use it to grow as a person either, I just don't do anything, the time just slips through my fingers and it makes me feel so guilty but I feel so tired, I think I'm just making excuses for my laziness but I don't feel any desire to keep living, though thinking of killing myself makes me feel terrified, I'm scared of what would happen when I die and to just leave this world, I still don't find any joy in life, there's nothing meaningful about mine. I really don't know what to do.
By the way I'm sorry if I had any grammar mistakes, english isn't my natal language.

 

[Hollowillow]

It's your life so your reasons are valid.

Puberty can make us look bad but we can turn out ok. Plenty of ugly people to love.

Maybe find a hobby, connect to yourself, then others with same tastes.

You sound tired. Society malnourish & exploits us.

 

[FuneralCry]

Dying doesn't even need a reason in the first place, it's a personal choice when to leave this world. None of us need to justify why we want to leave this life behind, It isn't like any of us asked to be here. Life really can be so depressing and pointless and I understand being tired of everything. It does feel as though there is no relief from problems and misery and I know that for many people loneliness can be painful.
I wish you the best.

 

[Julgran]

Hello, so this is my first thread.
I wanna vent a bit, I just don't know if what I'm feeling is valid and if my reasons to die also are, I've never went to a psychologist and I think I'm not likely mentally ill but I still can't stand to live, I just don't have anything to live for.

I've always been that one weird person with socializing problems, that led me to never have a group of friends, heck, I haven't even had a close friend in my whole life, I've always been alone, so it's pretty obvious that at 19 years old I've never experienced what most people have already experienced; the first kiss, the first relationship, just having the confort of being close to someone else, I don't even have someone to watch a movie with or play games with, and I'm so fucking bad at socializing, I never fit with people, I always make it akward, I never know what to say or how to act and my looks don't help, nobody wants to befriend an ugly person. People just think I'm weird.

If it has been this way for 19 years what can I expect from the future? At this point I think I'll just die alone. I have never had a meaningful experience in my whole life, it just feels like my past doesn't exists, I can't remember anything important nor anything that had made me happy, not even my childhood was a great thing to remember.
I can't say I've had a harsh life since my parents had always supported me economically and they've never abused me or anything ( though I don't have a strong bond with them anyway), but it stills feel like I'm just not living, nothing in my life is worth it, I don't think I'll have a great future, I think I don't really care about it since deep inside me I'm just waiting to die, and I always feel tired to do anything, I barely do any efforts at college so my grades aren't that good, I go through the days doing nothing, not even using that time idly watching series or playing games, I don't use it to grow as a person either, I just don't do anything, the time just slips through my fingers and it makes me feel so guilty but I feel so tired, I think I'm just making excuses for my laziness but I don't feel any desire to keep living, though thinking of killing myself makes me feel terrified, I'm scared of what would happen when I die and to just leave this world, I still don't find any joy in life, there's nothing meaningful about mine. I really don't know what to do.

Life is tough to figure out - that's not your fault.

Have you thought anything about what might be the core of your issues - like having a bad time with bullying in elementary school, a lack of job prospects, or depression, for example...?

By the way I'm sorry if I had any grammar mistakes, english isn't my natal language.

Your English is excellent!

 

[imfreezing]

It's your life so your reasons are valid.

Puberty can make us look bad but we can turn out ok. Plenty of ugly people to love.

Maybe find a hobby, connect to yourself, then others with same tastes.

You sound tired. Society malnourish & exploits us.

Well I love drawing but I haven't feel like doing it lately, I don't really feel like doing anything tbh i'ts hard to find a hobby. And even when I find other people with the same interest as me I just can't connect with them, I guess I'm way too boring, akward and lame for other people, I don't know how to improve my social skills.

Dying doesn't even need a reason in the first place, it's a personal choice when to leave this world. None of us need to justify why we want to leave this life behind, It isn't like any of us asked to be here. Life really can be so depressing and pointless and I understand being tired of everything. It does feel as though there is no relief from problems and misery and I know that for many people loneliness can be painful.
I wish you the best.

Thanks. I never saw it that way but you're right, I guess I have the right to die if I want to, though I can't help but feel guilty since there is many more people with a harder life than mine out there.

Life is tough to figure out - that's not your fault.

Have you thought anything about what might be the core of your issues - like having a bad time with bullying in elementary school, a lack of job prospects, or depression, for example...?



Your English is excellent!

That's an interesting question, I never really thought much about it, most of the time I just think this is how my life was made to be and that I'm just unlucky, something outta my control like destiny.
Well I was bullied in elementary school but it was pretty meaningless tbh I can't remember much of it so I guess it didn't really affected me. And I don't wanna auto-diagnosticate me, I think it's unlikely that I have depression.

Oh thanks! I was worried I'd say something wrong since my vocabulary isn't quite extensive.

 

[artificial_ineptness]

I relate to you and I think it is valid to want to die when you get joy out of nothing and are perpetually alone. Pretty much any social situation hurts me, since I get reminded that people don't value me and that I am missing out on so many of the core human experiences.

A thing I noticed: I feel like you might be from a culture that stigmatizes mental illness. Not that I think it matter what labels you get but it might help you get a better understanding of whats going on or possibly improve some things. Then again, such places also have shitty mental health care, so ehh idk... I bring it up since I think it's pretty taboo in my country as well and people think you have to be really fucked in the head to be mentally ill (and so they're afraid of it), so when I read you saying that you don't enjoy anything, feel tired, find your life meaningless and want to die but you probably don't have depression, it kind of reminds me of some people around me

Outside of that, I think I sadly can't help you. If I had some magic cure, I probably wouldn't be here typing this. I can just say "same", if that somehow makes you feel any less shit.

 

[Hollowillow]

Well I love drawing but I haven't feel like doing it lately, I don't really feel like doing anything tbh i'ts hard to find a hobby. And even when I find other people with the same interest as me I just can't connect with them, I guess I'm way too boring, akward and lame for other people, I don't know how to improve my social skills.

Thanks. I never saw it that way but you're right, I guess I have the right to die if I want to, though I can't help but feel guilty since there is many more people with a harder life than mine out there.

That's an interesting question, I never really thought much about it, most of the time I just think this is how my life was made to be and that I'm just unlucky, something outta my control like destiny.
Well I was bullied in elementary school but it was pretty meaningless tbh I can't remember much of it so I guess it didn't really affected me. And I don't wanna auto-diagnosticate me, I think it's unlikely that I have depression.

Oh thanks! I was worried I'd say something wrong since my vocabulary isn't quite extensive.

What makes you think you don't connect?

I need to connect with wounds... Cares... Vulberability... Honesty. People hate it.

They just want superficial likes on facebook & never go out to do stuff... Not with me. Except today! Yay! I ate at a buffet after inviting a friend. But she went home right after.

 

[makethepainstop]

Hello, so this is my first thread.
I wanna vent a bit, I just don't know if what I'm feeling is valid and if my reasons to die also are, I've never went to a psychologist and I think I'm not likely mentally ill but I still can't stand to live, I just don't have anything to live for.

I've always been that one weird person with socializing problems, that led me to never have a group of friends, heck, I haven't even had a close friend in my whole life, I've always been alone, so it's pretty obvious that at 19 years old I've never experienced what most people have already experienced; the first kiss, the first relationship, just having the confort of being close to someone else, I don't even have someone to watch a movie with or play games with, and I'm so fucking bad at socializing, I never fit with people, I always make it akward, I never know what to say or how to act and my looks don't help, nobody wants to befriend an ugly person. People just think I'm weird.

If it has been this way for 19 years what can I expect from the future? At this point I think I'll just die alone. I have never had a meaningful experience in my whole life, it just feels like my past doesn't exists, I can't remember anything important nor anything that had made me happy, not even my childhood was a great thing to remember.
I can't say I've had a harsh life since my parents had always supported me economically and they've never abused me or anything ( though I don't have a strong bond with them anyway), but it stills feel like I'm just not living, nothing in my life is worth it, I don't think I'll have a great future, I think I don't really care about it since deep inside me I'm just waiting to die, and I always feel tired to do anything, I barely do any efforts at college so my grades aren't that good, I go through the days doing nothing, not even using that time idly watching series or playing games, I don't use it to grow as a person either, I just don't do anything, the time just slips through my fingers and it makes me feel so guilty but I feel so tired, I think I'm just making excuses for my laziness but I don't feel any desire to keep living, though thinking of killing myself makes me feel terrified, I'm scared of what would happen when I die and to just leave this world, I still don't find any joy in life, there's nothing meaningful about mine. I really don't know what to do.
By the way I'm sorry if I had any grammar mistakes, english isn't mywill natal language.

To over come the social difficulties your having, try this observe how people interact with each other where you live. If you act like them, they will think of you as one of them. Hope that helps love to you.

 

[Jimblue]

I am very sorry you have to go through all this

For the social part, I am totally with you. I never had a group of friends too. I never able to fit in a group of people. I use to have very bad social anxiety disorder. Went to the public became very hard to me in that point.

 

[hatehypocrisy]

Hello, so this is my first thread.
I wanna vent a bit, I just don't know if what I'm feeling is valid and if my reasons to die also are, I've never went to a psychologist and I think I'm not likely mentally ill but I still can't stand to live, I just don't have anything to live for.

I've always been that one weird person with socializing problems, that led me to never have a group of friends, heck, I haven't even had a close friend in my whole life, I've always been alone, so it's pretty obvious that at 19 years old I've never experienced what most people have already experienced; the first kiss, the first relationship, just having the confort of being close to someone else, I don't even have someone to watch a movie with or play games with, and I'm so fucking bad at socializing, I never fit with people, I always make it akward, I never know what to say or how to act and my looks don't help, nobody wants to befriend an ugly person. People just think I'm weird.

If it has been this way for 19 years what can I expect from the future? At this point I think I'll just die alone. I have never had a meaningful experience in my whole life, it just feels like my past doesn't exists, I can't remember anything important nor anything that had made me happy, not even my childhood was a great thing to remember.
I can't say I've had a harsh life since my parents had always supported me economically and they've never abused me or anything ( though I don't have a strong bond with them anyway), but it stills feel like I'm just not living, nothing in my life is worth it, I don't think I'll have a great future, I think I don't really care about it since deep inside me I'm just waiting to die, and I always feel tired to do anything, I barely do any efforts at college so my grades aren't that good, I go through the days doing nothing, not even using that time idly watching series or playing games, I don't use it to grow as a person either, I just don't do anything, the time just slips through my fingers and it makes me feel so guilty but I feel so tired, I think I'm just making excuses for my laziness but I don't feel any desire to keep living, though thinking of killing myself makes me feel terrified, I'm scared of what would happen when I die and to just leave this world, I still don't find any joy in life, there's nothing meaningful about mine. I really don't know what to do.
By the way I'm sorry if I had any grammar mistakes, english isn't my natal language.

If you want to chat, I'm here.