Moreofthesamepain
Member
- Apr 25, 2020
- 40
I'm 51 years old, and owned my own business for 6 years before being shut down as non essential in the covid 19 world, though i was already struggling. I had to lay off my 2 employees, which is heartbreaking for me. Because of it, I'm ruined. My vindictive ex stole all of my business records and receipts to do taxes and he gave my things to charity. My elderly parents want to help me but its hard for me to take from them as they have their own medical problems. They love me very much and just want to help,, but i don't even know how to fix any of this!! I love them, so very much and my family and friends. This virus will get way worse before it gets better via vaccine. Our world and my country have changed.There will be another year of this madness and death until the virus is under control and we have a vaccine. People walk around no masks or gloves like its business as usual. Don't you see?? Its NOT. I've been suicidal since 2007, with depression, anxiety and ptsd since my early 20s. Ive been in several abusive relationships, divorced four times, abused drink and drugs, bulimia, I've been a cutter with other self harm behaviors that I've tried, most recently progressed to choking. i pick my skin. My anxiety has taken off so much and there is nothing that truly gives me comfort anymore or that I look forward to. All I see is more pain. More and more pain. Being a burden. That is what I see. I'm behind on bills since I can't work. I can't get unemployment or more loans as I'm loaned out. I'm single with no children. I don't see any other way than ctb. I think about it constantly and have been for months. I wrote my suicide letter in January before covid ever even showed up here. I love God, the universe, the physical world, and believe there is more. I can't feel anymore anything but dread and I know my pain will never end. We loose everyone. I have no assets, not even a car with the loss of my biz. I'm loved, I know this, but I hate myself. everyone says I have done so much with my life but all I see and feel are pain and failures. I've played with partial but si kicks in. Any advice for me? I've ordered sn and think this will be my next method. I'd love to try charcoal but seems difficult to pull off. I can't seem to cry anymore. I just feel numb and powerless. Any words for me? I feel completely caged and ruined. Thank you
