Venting I'm tired of feeling like this

[SanguineShark]

I feel suicidal.
Just this deep, horrible pain, the awareness how I'll never be loved, how shit my life is, how I'll never recover and I'm only alive for a few shit, pointless reasons.
I'm tired, I'm just so fucking tired of this, I don't want to live anymore, yet I have to experience this exact same fucking mental breakdown almost daily for years. I'm not happy here, I want to leave, I want this pain to stop..
How many more times can one person try therapy, meds, everything, yet have no progress at all? I'm actually in a decline, I'm surprised this shit could have gotten worse. I have SN in my drawer, yet I'm too afraid to take it... I'm a fucking pathetic mess, I should be shot in the head, it would be better for everyone in my life if I was just gone, no one would miss me, everyone fucking hates me. I'm just not someone who's easy to love nor someone special who you would want to keep in your life, I'm a pathetic and mentally unstable retard. I hate myself so fucking much it's unbearable. And I'm growing weaker every day.
I'm holding myself together so well for other people, yet I fail to be perfect, to be mentally well. I'm screaming and crying for help, yet my family ignores me. It's just pointless.

 

[AStruggle]

I doubt it makes it any easier for you but you deserve to know - being loved only makes it harder because you start feeling the guilt towards the people who care about you and your future.
at least for me thats true cus idk now what should happen for me to feel better

 

[SanguineShark]

I doubt it makes it any easier for you but you deserve to know - being loved only makes it harder because you start feeling the guilt towards the people who care about you and your future.
at least for me thats true cus idk now what should happen for me to feel better

that's fair, I get it
I guess it's just that I do want to die but mostly because of my suffering, there are things I enjoy doing while being alive, and closeness to people is one of them, but it just gets overshadowed by my pain

 

[iloverachel]

I understand your pain. Its been about 8 years of trying for me and still feeling dreadful and hopeless every day
I hope you feel better soon