apoptosis
rest easy in sleep eternal
- Mar 25, 2022
- 37
I'm so tired of existence. Every emotion, every action, every minute of life seems to be draining at an already empty pool of motivation and will. I don't want to work for the future that I don't want to happen.
Everything seems so pointless. Every day is the same. If I have class, I have to wake up early even though— without fail— I'm exhausted. Every morning I feel the need to sleep the rest of the day away. I go to class. Then I either go home and isolate myself, or try to maintain a facade of wanting to be with people when my gf asks me to go somewhere with her. I haven't wanted company for months. I just want to be alone.
Other than that, I don't do anything. I don't have a job. I don't have any other obligations or commitments. I have a very boring life. And it's still too overwhelming yet it's so dull, so boring. I feel like my entire life is witnessed through a haze of gray and numbness. The only things that puncture through give me intense anxiety.
I want to be dead so bad. I'm capable of happiness but it's fleeting, only to melt back into the haze of nothingness. The only thing that really gave me purpose was losing weight and I still wanted to die, it just wasn't on my mind as much. Now though— now that I am eating my woes away, as a way to hate myself more and increase my urge to CTB more— I'm done.
I've contemplated for the past couple nights about attempting. I don't know how much I want to take.
Everything seems so pointless. Every day is the same. If I have class, I have to wake up early even though— without fail— I'm exhausted. Every morning I feel the need to sleep the rest of the day away. I go to class. Then I either go home and isolate myself, or try to maintain a facade of wanting to be with people when my gf asks me to go somewhere with her. I haven't wanted company for months. I just want to be alone.
Other than that, I don't do anything. I don't have a job. I don't have any other obligations or commitments. I have a very boring life. And it's still too overwhelming yet it's so dull, so boring. I feel like my entire life is witnessed through a haze of gray and numbness. The only things that puncture through give me intense anxiety.
I want to be dead so bad. I'm capable of happiness but it's fleeting, only to melt back into the haze of nothingness. The only thing that really gave me purpose was losing weight and I still wanted to die, it just wasn't on my mind as much. Now though— now that I am eating my woes away, as a way to hate myself more and increase my urge to CTB more— I'm done.
I've contemplated for the past couple nights about attempting. I don't know how much I want to take.