T
tj3333
Member
- Dec 21, 2021
- 12
The only thing really keeping me alive is the idea that some day I'll get to experience real love and marriage to someone I respect and look up to, that I'm compatible with who makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I've only had two one month long relationships that ended in disaster because I have BPD. I sound like a broken record to my friends who are tired of hearing me complain, but it's all I can think about and it's all I want. I live in a rich college town where I have to see people whose lives are better than mine, who are more attractive than me, find love because they get to be what society has told them to be and they'll happily conform with a smile on their stupid faces. Today, I had both a stranger and my friend basically tell me it's my fault that I'm single, that I don't give anybody a chance and settle for someone I don't want, and my friend told me I should just wear tighter clothes and talk to more men.
I'm so sick of the fact that men need a woman who fits perfectly into bullshit standards and only look and dress the one type of way women are allowed to look. Women are accessories that serve to make men look worthwhile to other men and that's all we exist to do and I fucking refuse. But because I won't play this stupid game, my only options are to settle for someone who makes me feel like I could do better or just be single for the rest of my piece of shit life and this will honestly be what pushes me over the edge. If I have to spend the rest of my 20s into my 30s single and having one night stands with losers who ghost me, I will definitely start planning out my suicide. Today I gave myself until the age of 40 to wait it out before I commit suicide if I'm still single or if I'm in an unhappy relationship. That way, my family will have enough time with me, it'll be before I start to deteriorate, and I'll have basically lived enough life at that point (I have a hard time doing basic things to take care of my body because I'm so depressed all the time so it's not like things are going to get better).
I want two things in life: I want a man by my side and I want to be a serious artist who is respected by other serious artists. I'm not close to where I want to be in either regard and I'm not getting younger. I'm listless and going nowhere fast, and I feel it every day. All I do is daydream my life away because I have no idea how to get the life that I dream of and I know that if it passes me by and I wake up and I'm 40 and my life is fucking boring and dull and I'm all alone, I'll know then that it's my time to CTB. I'm tired of being alone and cutting to get by. I'm too old for this.
I'm so sick of the fact that men need a woman who fits perfectly into bullshit standards and only look and dress the one type of way women are allowed to look. Women are accessories that serve to make men look worthwhile to other men and that's all we exist to do and I fucking refuse. But because I won't play this stupid game, my only options are to settle for someone who makes me feel like I could do better or just be single for the rest of my piece of shit life and this will honestly be what pushes me over the edge. If I have to spend the rest of my 20s into my 30s single and having one night stands with losers who ghost me, I will definitely start planning out my suicide. Today I gave myself until the age of 40 to wait it out before I commit suicide if I'm still single or if I'm in an unhappy relationship. That way, my family will have enough time with me, it'll be before I start to deteriorate, and I'll have basically lived enough life at that point (I have a hard time doing basic things to take care of my body because I'm so depressed all the time so it's not like things are going to get better).
I want two things in life: I want a man by my side and I want to be a serious artist who is respected by other serious artists. I'm not close to where I want to be in either regard and I'm not getting younger. I'm listless and going nowhere fast, and I feel it every day. All I do is daydream my life away because I have no idea how to get the life that I dream of and I know that if it passes me by and I wake up and I'm 40 and my life is fucking boring and dull and I'm all alone, I'll know then that it's my time to CTB. I'm tired of being alone and cutting to get by. I'm too old for this.