Venting Im tired of all of this

[LilithLover777]

I am so very tired

I have been fighting within myself for 9 years.

I have made attempts to CTB 6 different times

Hanging, overdose, head trauma. every effort has been thwarted one way or another.

I was recently Hospitalized for suicidal ideation, I called on myself. other than this time, I have been in and out of psych wards 3 times and in therapy since my first attempt.

See the thing is; I don't actually want to CTB. I have things that I want to do, places I want to go, and friends and family that I love dearly; But my brain just won't stop telling me to go.

I have been a chronic Self Harmer since I was a child, my sh tendencies were brushed off as tantrums. Whenever I was stressed out I would pull my hair our, and claw my face and body.

As I reached middle school I learned about cutting and burning which for the most part was keeping the CTB thoughts at bay until I got into my first but certainly not my last abusive relationship.
there was a significant age gap that due to my state laws was technically only legal because we went to the same school. I was 14 and he was 18.

Throughout the duration of that relationship I attempted twice. The first attempt was by hanging; I took a cloth belt and used my closet rack (for reference I am 4'10 so I had about a foot under me of space after I kicked the foot stool). I would have succeeded If my bf at the time hadn't come over unannounced.

After that attempt my second attempt was ODing on my Zoloft which at the time, I didn't know wouldn't even kill me, it would just cause severe kidney problems and be very painful. This time my attempt was thwarted by my little brother (who I love with all my heart). Ill save that story for a different thread.

Over the rest of the time period up until this point the rest of my attempts were by Hanging and all unsuccessful.

Every time that I have been hospitalized for SI, It was me who made the call. No matter how open I was with my struggles to my parents they just couldn't or chose not to understand.
I am currently prescribed Lexapro 20 mg, Lamictal, and mirtazapine. It has only been two weeks since my last hospitalization when I was prescribed these so I can't tell you if they're working yet but I can definitely tell you that I am happy I called when I called 911 when I did.

I have a complete lack of dopamine in my brain, so when things in my life go even slightly wrong my brains automatic first solution is death and having to fight everyday with that as my first instinct has really taken a toll on my mentality. I have become so numb to the concept of my death that it worries me and I fear it is something that will never go away no matter how many pills they put me on.

On top of constantly fighting the urge to CTB, I struggle physically with a chronic condition called P.O.T.S. which causes me to faint from things like being too hot, standing too long, and sometimes just because. This makes it very hard to go out with my current bf or go do anything fun without being obsessively worried about fainting or getting sick.
Sometimes I wish I could just be put into a coma for a while and wake up cured of everything but I know that will never happen.

Thank you if you read all this, and if anyone has any tips on staying positive id be more than greatful

 

[silence of death]

honestly, i don't know, have you tried finding a passion ? something to get fully invested into, like chess, or video games, this is something that help me keeping the CTB urges away, but i'm not as suicidal as you, maybe it's hard to you because the lack of dopamine

 

[LilithLover777]

honestly, i don't know, have you tried finding a passion ? something to get fully invested into, like chess, or video games, this is something that help me keeping the CTB urges away, but i'm not as suicidal as you, maybe it's hard to you because the lack of dopamine

I'm a twitch streamer and i love playing games and talking to my chat but sometimes the spiral is too much to keep at bay with hobbies; i also love art and choir but where i live there aren't any clubs i could join to make nearby friends, my only hope atm is that i'm applying to the fall semester to my local college and hopefully that will help me feel something

 

[FuneralCry]

If you are looking for positivity platitudes then that is what the "recovery" section on here is for, this is the suicide discussion. But anyway it sounds so horrible and tiring what you've had to endure, existence really is so torturous and it's such a hellish world we exist in where there is all this endless torment. Best wishes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You tried several times CTB but obviously it's not the time to go. Reading your story carefully I think you still have a good chance that with the right therapy and medication things could turn better and you also have hobbies and such things you like, as u said. I'm fully aware that certain downs sometimes are making your life very difficult but you should not give up too early.

All my best wishes for you future!