I’m Thinking About CTBing Today

[HGL91]

I know I mentioned trying to give life another chance, but the more I think about it, the more my brain just thinks it's a bad idea. My mom is gone from the house until 7:30pm tonight.

I COULD go to the doctor and try to fix my headache which is probably partially her fault for telling me I could stop lexapro after 5 days and now I have withdrawal.

I COULD try going back to school and being part of society again.

I COULD try to make things work with my boyfriend since he's so eager to get back together.

But why? Some other traumatic shit will happen, and then I'll be wishing I committed suicide when life was easy, where I was living at my mom's, unemployed and friendless.

Seems like today is the day.

 

[DeathImminent]

you are suicidal because of lexapro withdrawal, do not trust your own brain right now

 

[HGL91]

you are suicidal because of lexapro withdrawal, do not trust your own brain right now

Maybe. But I don't care. I've been on psych meds since I was 11. Only reason I've lasted 16 years is because I had family that cared about me.

I can't take care of myself and I don't have a desire to fight for life. I don't love life enough to fight to get better on my own.


Going to try to hang as explained in this video.

 

[Lady black]

Wish you good luck and a comfortable hanging. See you in heaven for hanged people

 

[woxihuanni]

I do worry about what shapes your decision right now, but I respect it and wish you peace. Hugs

 

[HGL91]

I'm 28 years old this month. I'm just tired of suffering and don't have the will or desire to go back to living in a delusion of "yoga" and "happiness" and getting panic attacks because I know I'm lying to myself. I've known too many people on a deep level and have seen their demons to be able to trust anyone with my health or love ever again.

 

[Lady black]

It´s sad, but I think you are right. I wish I had hanged myself earlier.

 

[HGL91]

It´s sad, but I think you are right. I wish I had hanged myself earlier.

Right? Life just gets harder. And even if you have good memories in the past, so what? They're just memories that eventually fade with age.

 

[Lady black]

Yes life doesn´t get easier. And give it time to get better is wasted time (in my case), it will only get worse.

 

[HGL91]

Yes life doesn´t get easier. And give it time to get better is wasted time (in my case), it will only get worse.

I agree it just ends up being wasted time. :/

One things for sure...I've become an expert at tying knots by memory.

 

[Lady black]

Wish it would be mire psitive for you, but my personal experience was time is not my friend

 

[oopswronglife]

I agree with @DeathImminent and think crisis and obvious causes like withdrawal are bad times to ctb. Not only is it a false sense of how you feel...it makes succeeding if you DO attempt harder because you aren't thinking clearly. You deserve the chance to decide when your head is clear. Things have been SOOO bad for me lately I have laid in bed most nights, sleepless, thinking the same "might as well get it over with...its not gonna get better"....then I finally sleep...feel a little better on waking...and do it over. Some nights I don't feel that bad and realize how influenced I was by the pain/lack of sleep etc.

 

[scorpiooo2]

I wish you peace in whatever you choose to do, I'm awfully sorry it had to come to this.

 

[Fragile]

i'm very sorry that ssri's fucked your life, i know how horrible those withdrawals feel, the worst part is that this is not even a feel good drug like benzos or opioids so the withdrawal is even worse.

i wish you good luck and respect your decision, but maybe wait a bit so you don't go out feeling like shit for an awful drug? no one deserves to have their dignity taken away by a misleading and damaging "medication".

 

[HGL91]

I already have no dignity. I'm so paranoid, I can't even will myself to get a Lyft or Uber and go to a clinic to try to get help because I'm afraid the doctor is just gonna make it worse. Because that's happened so many times in the 17 years I've been on medication.

My mom pointed out I'm almost 28 and afraid to go to the doctor, so there's nothing she can do to help. So at this point, I feel very motivated to CTB. I haven't felt this pathetic or low in a long time, and I don't even want to try to get better now.

I'm so afraid of leaving my house I may need to CTB at home after all.

 

[oopswronglife]

I already have no dignity. I'm so paranoid, I can't even will myself to get a Lyft or Uber and go to a clinic to try to get help because I'm afraid the doctor is just gonna make it worse. Because that's happened so many times in the 17 years I've been on medication.

Been there. Life was ruined, literally, by doctors. I was at an appointment today with the same "god they are going to make it worse" feelings. It didn't happen this time. What I try to remember is I am already on the edge and slipping. You sound like you are too. It's not like they are going to push us to do something crazy like...oh...kill ourselves ;) It's a sort of "so what if it goes bad" situation since its already so bad we are on the way out. I know that's easier said than done when you feel horrid. I've walked out of most appointments either disappointed or insulted. But if you feel so bad you are going to ctb...you really have nothing to lose.

 

[ralphnol]

I wish I got something to say, but I got nothing... I am very sorry.

 

[HGL91]

Been there. Life was ruined, literally, by doctors. I was at an appointment today with the same "god they are going to make it worse" feelings. It didn't happen this time. What I try to remember is I am already on the edge and slipping. You sound like you are too. It's not like they are going to push us to do something crazy like...oh...kill ourselves ;) It's a sort of "so what if it goes bad" situation since its already so bad we are on the way out. I know that's easier said than done when you feel horrid. I've walked out of most appointments either disappointed or insulted. But if you feel so bad you are going to ctb...you really have nothing to lose.

I'm glad your appointment today was positive. That does make me slightly more hopeful...

I don't have insurance right now, so my only option is a low-income clinic, and while the doctor is good at behaving nice, I don't know if she really tries to put an effort into her job or if she just acts professional to gain the patient's trust, which is what they taught us in Nursing School too.

"Act confident so the patient will trust you." "If you don't know something, don't let the patient know that you don't know, or you'll make them anxious." "Even if the patient sounds crazy, treat them with kindness and act motherly."

I just think about how doctors and nurses are literally taught scripts and behavior to manipulate patients to feel comfortable with them, believe their every word, and it makes me so uncomfortable.

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm glad your appointment today was positive. That does make me slightly more hopeful...

I don't have insurance right now, so my only option is a low-income clinic, and while the doctor is good at behaving nice, I don't know if she really tries to put an effort into her job or if she just acts professional to gain the patient's trust, which is what they taught us in Nursing School too.

"Act confident so the patient will trust you." "If you don't know something, don't let the patient know that you don't know, or you'll make them anxious." "Even if the patient sounds crazy, treat them with kindness and act motherly."

I just think about how doctors and nurses are literally taught scripts and behavior to manipulate patients to feel comfortable with them, believe their every word, and it makes me so uncomfortable.

I don't know, I was in hospital (though for physical stuff) and I thought I felt the difference between script and real, though on the surface it is similar. I wouldn't know how to pin it down, though. That is, I believe it can be real.

 

[oopswronglife]

I'm glad your appointment today was positive. That does make me slightly more hopeful...

I don't have insurance right now, so my only option is a low-income clinic, and while the doctor is good at behaving nice, I don't know if she really tries to put an effort into her job or if she just acts professional to gain the patient's trust, which is what they taught us in Nursing School too.

"Act confident so the patient will trust you." "If you don't know something, don't let the patient know that you don't know, or you'll make them anxious." "Even if the patient sounds crazy, treat them with kindness and act motherly."

I just think about how doctors and nurses are literally taught scripts and behavior to manipulate patients to feel comfortable with them, believe their every word, and it makes me so uncomfortable.

I hear you. Similar financial situation here. I also know the "fake it until you make it" script and can notice it very clearly. You also know if they are telling you things that aren't true or are tropes. If I get someone like that and they are too egotistical...won't listen and are defensive...I just try my best to get what I need from them and move on. Sometimes they are open to your knowledge and suggestions though even if not so confident themselves. But occasionally you get a smart and kind person and don't feel patronized but rather actually helped.

BTW I had a SEVERE reaction to just a few days of Lexapro...or Celexa...cannot remember which as it was a while ago, but same thing essentially. I took it for 3-4 days and had headaches and vomiting that wouldn't stop. I quit and it took a couple weeks to feel right. I understand exactly how you feel. I've had lots of bad SSRI and SNRI experiences and am terrified to try again even though they are constantly pushed. Nobody can explain the reactions...I can only guess I have some sensitivity to serotonin changes.

 

[HGL91]

I hear you. Similar financial situation here. I also know the "fake it until you make it" script and can notice it very clearly. You also know if they are telling you things that aren't true or are tropes. If I get someone like that and they are too egotistical...won't listen and are defensive...I just try my best to get what I need from them and move on. Sometimes they are open to your knowledge and suggestions though even if not so confident themselves. But occasionally you get a smart and kind person and don't feel patronized but rather actually helped.

BTW I had a SEVERE reaction to just a few days of Lexapro...or Celexa...cannot remember which as it was a while ago, but same thing essentially. I took it for 3-4 days and had headaches and vomiting that wouldn't stop. I quit and it took a couple weeks to feel right. I understand exactly how you feel. I've had lots of bad SSRI and SNRI experiences and am terrified to try again even though they are constantly pushed. Nobody can explain the reactions...I can only guess I have some sensitivity to serotonin changes.

Thank you for your responses. It's really helping me feel more calm to see that you're understanding what I'm saying, and that from your responses, I can tell you really read what I wrote.

Sorry you had a terrible reaction to one of those meds. I actually took Lexapro for 5 years and felt really good, but they say that medications effect everyone differently :/ Which is so annoying because basically they just have to give us different drugs until something works, and in the meantime, it's like impossible to function from the side effects.

If you do try again, hope you find one that works for you. I was so happy Lexapro worked for me for 5 years without side effects...but then I went through a lot of trauma and it stopped working.

Edit/Add: Well, it's almost 7pm and still haven't successfully CTbed even though I tried many times today. Mom will be home in 30 minutes, so I guess I have to stick around longer.

 

[oopswronglife]

If you do try again, hope you find one that works for you. I was so happy Lexapro worked for me for 5 years without side effects...but then I went through a lot of trauma and it stopped working

I get it. I also know well how bad it feels when you not only have to suffer feeling worse due to life or situations,, but suffer withdrawal as well. I am going through that now with another med and am having some very bad nights as the misery and anxiety floods back as my brain sorts itself out from the changes in chemicals. I try to remember its a temporary "worse" but its hard. Day to day.

 

[134340]

Lexapro withdrawals are absolute hell. I'm sorry it's affecting you so badly. Hopefully you can wait to ctb until you're in a more clear frame of mind (not saying you won't still want to do it, but at least you'll be thinking well enough to know one hundred percent what you want to do). I respect your decision either way, and hope you find peace.

 

[HGL91]

I get it. I also know well how bad it feels when you not only have to suffer feeling worse due to life or situations,, but suffer withdrawal as well. I am going through that now with another med and am having some very bad nights as the misery and anxiety floods back as my brain sorts itself out from the changes in chemicals. I try to remember its a temporary "worse" but its hard. Day to day.

Oh no. What medication are you experiencing withdrawal from now?

Yeah, seems like most of my life I've had to give myself the "It's only temporary" pep talk, especially in college, when I abused my body with lack of sleep, and not eating, but it gets harder for me as I get older, and I experience and witness more physical and emotional pain and abuse in life.

 

[oopswronglife]

Oh no. What medication are you experiencing withdrawal from now?

Yeah, seems like most of my life I've had to give myself the "It's only temporary" pep talk, especially in college, when I abused my body with lack of sleep, and not eating, but it gets harder for me as I get older, and I experience and witness more physical and emotional pain and abuse in life.

I don't want to say in public just to keep the personal info down. But I hear you on the depressing experience of aging. Ignorance was bliss.

 

[HGL91]

I don't want to say in public just to keep the personal info down. But I hear you on the depressing experience of aging. Ignorance was bliss.

No worries. I respect your desire to privacy. But yeah, it's weird how I look back at the stress I felt as a teen, and now it just seems ridiculous in comparison.

I don't want that to be a trend though...being like "Wow. I thought I was fucked at 28. At least I had my mom, an ex-boyfriend who still wants me, a roof over my head, and a youthful appearance on my side."

Life seems like a pattern of thinking everything is so hard in the present, moving toward towards the future, and then missing the past because at least it was less fucked up than what the future became.

 

[oopswronglife]

Life seems like a pattern of thinking everything is so hard in the present, moving toward towards the future, and then missing the past because at least it was less fucked up than what the future became.

I think thats how it is for everyone...its just for most people their decline isn't as severe or soon as ours. Everyone gets old and suffers deterioration, health issues, loss etc...but the ones who have less of that and haven't lost the things they built in the process can endure and even enjoy it. Once you get knocked out of your chair you are hardly ever gonna get back up to where the others are sitting. Your desires get distilled down to peace, comfort, companionship, stability....and you dgaf about ambition, ego, whatever.

 

[HGL91]

I don't know, I was in hospital (though for physical stuff) and I thought I felt the difference between script and real, though on the surface it is similar. I wouldn't know how to pin it down, though. That is, I believe it can be real.

Glad you had good nurses. :)

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Thank you for your responses. It's really helping me feel more calm to see that you're understanding what I'm saying, and that from your responses, I can tell you really read what I wrote.

Sorry you had a terrible reaction to one of those meds. I actually took Lexapro for 5 years and felt really good, but they say that medications effect everyone differently :/ Which is so annoying because basically they just have to give us different drugs until something works, and in the meantime, it's like impossible to function from the side effects.

If you do try again, hope you find one that works for you. I was so happy Lexapro worked for me for 5 years without side effects...but then I went through a lot of trauma and it stopped working.

Edit/Add: Well, it's almost 7pm and still haven't successfully CTbed even though I tried many times today. Mom will be home in 30 minutes, so I guess I have to stick around longer.

Sorry for everything you have gone and are going through. Selfishly … I'm glad you are still here.
Sometimes I feel guilty hearing what everyone else has been through on here and I haven't. I'm sure if doctors knew how I really felt, I would be put on meds.
I do have some other health issues. I don't want to post them online though. (Not ones I've been diagnosed for)

 

[cappuccinogirl]

i'm very sorry that ssri's fucked your life, i know how horrible those withdrawals feel, the worst part is that this is not even a feel good drug like benzos or opioids so the withdrawal is even worse.

i wish you good luck and respect your decision, but maybe wait a bit so you don't go out feeling like shit for an awful drug? no one deserves to have their dignity taken away by a misleading and damaging "medication".

Yes ssri withdrawal can be absolute hell. Ruined so many people's lives. God knows why docs still seem to think they're marvellous and dish them out like smarties. Its criminal how the damage they do is just covered up or ignored makes me so angry. See survivingantidepressants.org for wd advice. Unfortunately these unnatural drugs seem to help some people but that doesn't justify the serious harm they do to others.