NSFW I'm such a weird whore

[toskita]

At this rate I don't have a clue about when did I start being suicidal, I don't know shit about myself since I lost most of my memories. I can only remember stuff from 2021 until the present, everything else is straight out blurry/non-existent on my mind except for some very specific topics or traumatic events.
Things is, I can conclude that the reason why I'm on this state is sex. If people didn't have this gross need I wouldn't be like this, the world would be better off without perversion existing. I'm really fixated on that opinion, and I don't think anything can make me change my mind about it, what I cannot get myself to understand is my craving for it. The thing I hate the most is also the one I want the most. It's some sort of artistic sight, my body getting pale from it getting used on a sickening way, so lifeless, something that would appear necrophilic from how dead my eyes would be. And after it ends, there's no need to worry about anything else, no need for feeling empathetic since I'm just a traumatized vegetable, with a trauma that's gruesome enough for it to not be questioned as invalid. They would just cry about it more than I ever could be able to, cause I would be dead without bothering to let my body accompany me on that travel, that until time happens and there's no one else is available to maintain my meat prison around, and nothingness arrives twice.
I wouldn't mind to think about the same grotesque scenes till my eyes close, at that rate my mind would cope with dissociating from my own dissociating thoughts, like a homemade lobotomy.

Guess I'm just a built different attention whore, but more probably to be a whore whore with more fucked up "fantasies". A cheap one that thinks more of the one time it got a not requested of a guy fapping, or the various times it got guys dming for nudes than the time it felt truly loved and cared for by someone that wasn't sexually interested in me. As if being sexually attractive was my purpose and still being terrible at it by still thinking about how disgusting and simply wrong that is as if I was a chastity symbol.

I'm just a fag in denial, and for the cherry on top, a suicidal one

 

[august4you]

At this rate I don't have a clue about when did I start being suicidal, I don't know shit about myself since I lost most of my memories. I can only remember stuff from 2021 until the present, everything else is straight out blurry/non-existent on my mind except for some very specific topics or traumatic events.
Things is, I can conclude that the reason why I'm on this state is sex. If people didn't have this gross need I wouldn't be like this, the world would be better off without perversion existing. I'm really fixated on that opinion, and I don't think anything can make me change my mind about it, what I cannot get myself to understand is my craving for it. The thing I hate the most is also the one I want the most. It's some sort of artistic sight, my body getting pale from it getting used on a sickening way, so lifeless, something that would appear necrophilic from how dead my eyes would be. And after it ends, there's no need to worry about anything else, no need for feeling empathetic since I'm just a traumatized vegetable, with a trauma that's gruesome enough for it to not be questioned as invalid. They would just cry about it more than I ever could be able to, cause I would be dead without bothering to let my body accompany me on that travel, that until time happens and there's no one else is available to maintain my meat prison around, and nothingness arrives twice.
I wouldn't mind to think about the same grotesque scenes till my eyes close, at that rate my mind would cope with dissociating from my own dissociating thoughts, like a homemade lobotomy.

Guess I'm just a built different attention whore, but more probably to be a whore whore with more fucked up "fantasies". A cheap one that thinks more of the one time it got a not requested of a guy fapping, or the various times it got guys dming for nudes than the time it felt truly loved and cared for by someone that wasn't sexually interested in me. As if being sexually attractive was my purpose and still being terrible at it by still thinking about how disgusting and simply wrong that is as if I was a chastity symbol.

I'm just a fag in denial, and for the cherry on top, a suicidal one

This. I kinda always hates the idea of sex and when I finally lost my virginity i felt so empty and disgusted. I'm sorry you feel this way truly

 

[toskita]

This. I kinda always hates the idea of sex and when I finally lost my virginity i felt so empty and disgusted. I'm sorry you feel this way truly

Sex is indeed overrated.. (I don't have human contact since forever)

 

[august4you]

Sex is indeed overrated.. (I don't have human contact since forever)

If you need a human to contact I'm available I'm usually rotting all day alone anyways

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Sex is indeed overrated.. (I don't have human contact since forever)

Absolutely, I 100% agree. I don't understand why people make such a massive fuss about it in media and general discussions. I felt out of place whenever guys use to keep tabs on how many girls they've "smashed" and mention it to their friends, looking for approval to pump their chest and beat the competition but now, I couldn't give anymore of a damn.

Now im not judging but I don't know how people find the excitement and reason to keep on doing Hookups.

 

[toskita]

If you need a human to contact I'm available I'm usually rotting all day alone anyways

I meant like physical contact but me too, I don't even go out I'm open to chat though if you want

 

[tiger b]

It seems to me to be yet another thing in life where it's mostly what the person puts on it.

 

[toskita]

Absolutely, I 100% agree. I don't understand why people make such a massive fuss about it in media and general discussions. I felt out of place whenever guys use to keep tabs on how many girls they've "smashed" and mention it to their friends, looking for approval to pump their chest and beat tje competition but now, I couldn't give anymore of a damn.

Fr, it's like why the hell would your friends want to picture you doing it, it's so weird

 

[tiger b]

Absolutely, I 100% agree. I don't understand why people make such a massive fuss about it in media and general discussions. I felt out of place whenever guys use to keep tabs on how many girls they've "smashed" and mention it to their friends, looking for approval to pump their chest and beat tje competition but now, I couldn't give anymore of a damn.

Now im not judging but I don't know how people find the excitement and reason to keep on doing Hookups.

The boasting element some guys do is just ridiculous. Why tell the world, who are they trying to convince? I've never understood it. It's called private life for a reason.

And how much is ever enough anyway?

Off-topic...like the new name, took a while for me to work out who you were.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Fr, it's like why the hell would your friends want to picture you doing it, it's so weird

Ug tell me about it. Sometimes guys would even show the position they were in with the girl to their friends, like in a way to show them how it's done. This need for competition to get the most girls and bang as many as as possible to show off, it's utterly pointless to me. Did it, didn't bother me if I'd ever do it again.

The boasting element some guys do is just ridiculous. Why tell the world, who are they trying to convince? I've never understood it. It's called private life for a reason.

Don't know, I even began to question it myself back in the last years of high school. The Boasting element really felt forced, just to try to fit in to doing something. I humored it for a while but it got boring to hear about. I guess its to beat their chest and earn respect from their male friends but I find it to be revealing too much information than anyone has to know about.

Off-topic...like the new name, took a while for me to work out who you were.

Wait, you didn't notice it was me the whole time? Hmm, I thought the name change would catch on and people would be able to figure out it was me without giving it a 2nd thought and who doesn't love Goku Black, only one of the few good things from DragonBall Super.

 

[toskita]

Ug tell me about it. Sometimes guys would even show the position they were in with the girl to their friends, like in a way to show them how it's done. This need for competition to get the most girls and bang as many as as possible to show off, it's utterly pointless to me. Did it, didn't bother me if I'd ever do it again.

Don't know, I even began to question it myself back in the last years of high school. The Boasting element really felt forced, just to try to fit in to doing something. I humored it for a while but it got boring to hear about. I guess its to beat their chest and earn respect from their male friends but I find it to be revealing too much information than anyone has to know about.


Wait, you didn't notice it was me the whole time? Hmm, I thought the name change would catch on and people would be able to figure out it was me without giving it a 2nd thought and who doesn't love Goku Black, only one of the few good things from DragonBall Super.

It's one of my fears to get together with that kind of guy, like, I don't want anyone to know how ugly I look or how desperate I am to get it, ended up being in the reason why I can't picture myself on a relationship, having friends in common and them knowing about those details

 

[Deleted member 65988]

It's one of my fears to get together with that kind of guy, like, I don't want anyone to know how ugly I look or how desperate I am to get it, ended up being in the reason why I can't picture myself on a relationship, having friends in common and them knowing about those details

I'm really sorry about that. I understand why it would be such a fear. I wish friend groups didn't have to share such things, after all, I feel like they are more private than anything close to public information.

 

[flowers in the mist]

I also deal with memory loss and it's honestly so weird trying to remember/think of things or try to connect dots from different events and things just go blank..

I agree with you that the world would be better off without these cravings. There can be a lot of good from it too, but I think in general there are more bad things caused by it. It's honestly gross to think about.

I'm also disgusted at how intrigued I am by my own disturbing fantasies. It's all a fucked up situation.. >.<

 

[toskita]

I also deal with memory loss and it's honestly so weird trying to remember/think of things or try to connect dots from different events and things just go blank..

I agree with you that the world would be better off without these cravings. There can be a lot of good from it too, but I think in general there are more bad things caused by it. It's honestly gross to think about.

I'm also disgusted at how intrigued I am by my own disturbing fantasies. It's all a fucked up situation.. >.<

I'm sorry you have to deal with it too, it truly gets on your nerves sometimes when thinking about the past starts being staring at the void