I'm such a pussy

[sulvumnolo]

I have hurt so many people. I have been hurt far worse. I seemed to have lucked out and can easily make myself pass out my ligature strangulation. I setup my partial suspension hanging tonight. Auto scheduled all my text messages. Put on some good music. And couldn't fucking do it. Literally it felt euphoric. All I have to do I lean forward slightly. My vision starts going out. It feels good, the music gets more intense. It's not painful. Yet I can't fucking do it. Every time I get close to passing out I fucking panic and take it off. I'm going to have to spend some days in a really dark places to try to get into the right head space. Logically I know I need to die. No question. WTF can't I do. Like I've said. I've hurt people far worse then that. Was I was a teenager I used to fight a lot. And yet I can't bring myself even to inflict that pain upon myself. What a miserable little pussy bitch I am. Literally wouldn't been the perfect night to leave. Fuck. I hate myself so much. I don't know why I can't channel that into ending it.