Venting Im such a fucking coward

[MicahBell]

I can't believe i'm still alive. I failed the night night method because as I was tightening the ratchet my hands just started to shake and I started to think "I just want to go to sleep. im a coward and I just want to go to sleep for a long time."

I don't have a single thing left to look forward to in my life. I don't find pleasure in anything and i'm not good at anything. I don't have any friends and i'm not close with my family. There are good things in life but i'm bored with them, like how you eat something sweet enough times and it starts to disgust you. I hate work. Sometimes the thought of going to work the next day will give me a panic attack and I can't sleep. If i wanted to admit myself I wouldn't have the money anyway. In preparation for CTB I either gave everything away or threw it out, not that there was much, but now i'm just alive and have nothing. My life is so absurdly empty.

I've made peace with my death— delaying it won't make it easier for my family, and life will go on for them and their suffering will get better. Plus they're emotionally neglectful so I don't owe them anything. Theres nothing to live for anyway. Yet I can't die no matter how hard I try cause i'm such a pussy. I seriously can't handle this anymore. Every time I fail I just hate myself more and more. I feel like i'm just an animated corpse, going through the motions every single day but not once living or feeling a thing.

 

[thefarter]

it sounds like you have anhedonia.
you can start cbt (therapy) & meds that will help.

also you mentioned you're not good at anything.
nobody starts out good at anything. you can practice a lot and the more hours you spend doing something, the better you will get at it.
literally choose anything in the world that even slightly captures your interest- and start!

i know it is crappy feeling so hopeless. and i get it. after suffering in one situation too long, you just feel like there's no way out except by killing yourself.

there are so many things to live for btw.. the next time it rains wherever u are, you should go outside and look at the little slugs that come out. maybe you will even see a baby one. they are so cute and beautiful. and they are so fragile and slow and i like to imagine them sliding home slowly and hoping to make it back to their family before the rain stops.

and also maybe you should get a pet. my cat is the best. he comes and purrs near me when i am sad. and it makes a huge difference to how i'm feeling.

u should be open to seeing things from a different perspective, no matter how hard it may seem. but i really really do understand how difficult it is. idk it feels hypocritical but i don't want u to give up!