I'm such a coward

[Theresa Riot]

I just tried to ctb and I couldn't do it. It would have been so easy. Just ease down toward the floor. That's all. But I couldn't. Now I hate myself even more. Didn't think that was possible.

Maybe I need to do it somewhere no one could ever find me. I kept thinking about my mom finding me. I think that's what stopped me.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hi brother. I'm sorry that this happened to you and the sequence of events that led you here and now the feelings that you're going to be left with in light of what has just happened.
You are jot the first person who has tried to ctb and been unsuccessful, that doesn't make you wrong or bad or any other thing.
It wasn't your time that is okay. You can be sad, angry, pensive that is your path to walk but it doesn't change the fact that you own your shoes and you walk in them.
The is love brother, even if it's not meant to be this time or any time, there is love and understanding here and I hope you can reconcile what has happened and some light comes to you.
Peace and respect
DBD

Edit to add: apologies, it strikes me you may be a sister, if I've got that wrong my bad, sorry

 

[SpottedPanda]

If you couldn't do it, nobody has the right to say you should've done it.

It might be a great opportunity to really think about things and assess things.

I felt a visceral feeling of apprehension after setting up a helium exit bag. I gave myself time to consider everything and gain some new perspectives in life.

 

[TheRaul95]

 

[sourcreamonion]

Don't worry. You're human, you aren't a coward and no one has any right to tell you so. When I was planning for full suspension, I hesitated a lot, I couldn't do it at the end, a lot of things were stopping me. Don't hurt yourself over it.

Again, you're human. Best of wishes.

 

[Theresa Riot]

I'm due for refills on my meds. Maybe I'll save them up and go somewhere isolated. I didn't really want to use pills because I've read horror stories, but I couldn't go through with my first choice so I guess it's pills or a psych ward. I don't have the means for any other method.

 

[FriendofDeath]

Why are you in such a hurry? Are there no other options for you? Don't take this as a failure - it's a chance to re-evaluate. If you act on impulse there's a good chance you could hurt yourself or even somebody else. Do you have someone you can talk to? I hope you can take the time to look at your options.

 

[Theresa Riot]

Lol I appreciate your concern about me rushing into things, but I've been thinking about this for 30 years. And I'm not so much rushing into things as heading for a cliff. My health is deteriorating rapidly and if I don't do this soon I might actually lose the ability to take any action at all.

As for talking to someone, I've been to numerous counselors and doctors in the last 20 years. My mom just likes to pretend everything is peachy so she doesn't have to deal with reality (she has her own problems that she also ignores).

 

[FriendofDeath]

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can find some way to experience peace. If you haven't already, you might check out some of the resource threads. I hear what you're saying, too - you want to do things on your terms and you want to be in control. I respect that.