tryingtoescape
Experienced
- Dec 30, 2019
- 213
I'm struggling so much. I sob all day and I cry myself to sleep every night and I'm overwhelmed with panic and dread the second I wake up. Every day just gets worse. I'm 20 years old. I was extremely suicidal for 3 years due to tinnitus I developed when I was a teenager. I made two suicide attempts but both failed. The first one was an overdose of anxiety pills. A year ago, I was involuntarily hospitalized for the last attempt.
I was going to jump from a building, but my parents called the police because they knew about my plans. I had an extremely traumatic experience. This post would be too long if I included everything that happened, which I included in my suicide note for the sake of catharsis, but in short, the nurse practitioner psychiatrist that was treating me forced me to take a 13 day course of Remeron. At first, I thought to myself, "I'll just take the medication and I'll be out." But I started getting "brain zaps" from the Remeron. Every night, dozens of times each night. It's an extremely strong sensation. Kind of like when you suddenly jolt awake in the middle of the night, a hypnic jerk, also accompanied by the sensation of being electrocuted in your brain, for 2 seconds. I was crying in front of the psychiatrist, bawling my eyes out, snot coming out of my nose, shaking, and he had this smirk on his face, and all he said was "if you don't take the medication, I can't let you out. I can't keep doing this with you. You can't come up with a side effect for everything I give you." It was the most traumatic experience of my life.
A year later, I still experience the brain zaps every night. Certain medications like cough syrup, Vistaril, and Seroquel, and anything that raises serotonin, trigger it. I can't take anything but Klonopin right now. Sleep deprivation and tiredness also trigger it. It happens most during the day, but it also happens in the daytime if I'm sleep deprived or tired, which makes me terrified I'm going to have a car accident if it happens on the road. I can't sleep because of it. I took Vistaril, an antihistamine my current psychiatrist prescribed me for insomnia a few weeks ago, and it triggered the brain zaps very strongly. I don't understand why because I've taken drugs in the same class before the psych ward with no brain zaps. Before I took the Vistaril, the brain zaps that still remained from the hospital experience a year ago only occurred a couple times a week. Now, they happen every night, dozens of times. Each time I'm about to fall asleep. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. Last night, I was awake in bed until 6 am because the brain zaps wouldn't stop. I was crying and screaming. I woke up my parents and I was just crying and screeching in bed.
I literally feel like I'm going crazy. I just can't take it anymore. The tinnitus was already bad enough. Now I have to live with this. And I'm only 20. I can't deal with this. I just want to die now. I feel so much anger and resentment towards the doctor, which is the worst part. I wish I could get rid of the anger, because carrying around all this anger and pain is so painful. I can't do anything about it. I experience the brain zaps every day and they're severely affecting my quality of life, so I can't just forget, even though I want to. I have nightmares about the doctor and being back there weekly, even though it's been a year. I just want this anger to be gone. I wish I had never experienced this. But I did, and now my life is even more ruined than it was. I can't take it anymore. I'm also constantly terrified of being sent back to the hospital.
I'm planning on ending it soon, and I'm terrified of failing or being caught and being sent there. I'm in so much pain. I don't know what to do. The worst part is, there's nothing that the doctors can even do. I've told psychiatrists, and they don't know what will help. I'm terrified of failing my attempt and being sent back there and seeing that doctor again and being forced to take that medication again and enduring more permanent damage. I just keep crying. I'm so sad and afraid and desperate.
I was going to jump from a building, but my parents called the police because they knew about my plans. I had an extremely traumatic experience. This post would be too long if I included everything that happened, which I included in my suicide note for the sake of catharsis, but in short, the nurse practitioner psychiatrist that was treating me forced me to take a 13 day course of Remeron. At first, I thought to myself, "I'll just take the medication and I'll be out." But I started getting "brain zaps" from the Remeron. Every night, dozens of times each night. It's an extremely strong sensation. Kind of like when you suddenly jolt awake in the middle of the night, a hypnic jerk, also accompanied by the sensation of being electrocuted in your brain, for 2 seconds. I was crying in front of the psychiatrist, bawling my eyes out, snot coming out of my nose, shaking, and he had this smirk on his face, and all he said was "if you don't take the medication, I can't let you out. I can't keep doing this with you. You can't come up with a side effect for everything I give you." It was the most traumatic experience of my life.
A year later, I still experience the brain zaps every night. Certain medications like cough syrup, Vistaril, and Seroquel, and anything that raises serotonin, trigger it. I can't take anything but Klonopin right now. Sleep deprivation and tiredness also trigger it. It happens most during the day, but it also happens in the daytime if I'm sleep deprived or tired, which makes me terrified I'm going to have a car accident if it happens on the road. I can't sleep because of it. I took Vistaril, an antihistamine my current psychiatrist prescribed me for insomnia a few weeks ago, and it triggered the brain zaps very strongly. I don't understand why because I've taken drugs in the same class before the psych ward with no brain zaps. Before I took the Vistaril, the brain zaps that still remained from the hospital experience a year ago only occurred a couple times a week. Now, they happen every night, dozens of times. Each time I'm about to fall asleep. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. Last night, I was awake in bed until 6 am because the brain zaps wouldn't stop. I was crying and screaming. I woke up my parents and I was just crying and screeching in bed.
I literally feel like I'm going crazy. I just can't take it anymore. The tinnitus was already bad enough. Now I have to live with this. And I'm only 20. I can't deal with this. I just want to die now. I feel so much anger and resentment towards the doctor, which is the worst part. I wish I could get rid of the anger, because carrying around all this anger and pain is so painful. I can't do anything about it. I experience the brain zaps every day and they're severely affecting my quality of life, so I can't just forget, even though I want to. I have nightmares about the doctor and being back there weekly, even though it's been a year. I just want this anger to be gone. I wish I had never experienced this. But I did, and now my life is even more ruined than it was. I can't take it anymore. I'm also constantly terrified of being sent back to the hospital.
I'm planning on ending it soon, and I'm terrified of failing or being caught and being sent there. I'm in so much pain. I don't know what to do. The worst part is, there's nothing that the doctors can even do. I've told psychiatrists, and they don't know what will help. I'm terrified of failing my attempt and being sent back there and seeing that doctor again and being forced to take that medication again and enduring more permanent damage. I just keep crying. I'm so sad and afraid and desperate.
