I'm still so torn about my mother and it's eating me alive.

[Sweet emotion]

For those of you who know my situation and the physical harm my mother has done to me when we had a very explosive arguement, I just need to talk. To vent. My mother has been the most important person in my life since the day I was born. It's she who has kept me alive all these years despite this awful physical pain I deal with every day of my life since I was 20. She has taken amazing care of me, care that I know not all mother's would give to their children. But I can't forgive her for squeezing my arm with both hands so hard I thought it was going to break. I can't forgive her for giving me crps in my limb now and part of my back and neck. She hasn't shown one but of remorse. I've written people I know personally and surprise surprise, they say what stress she's been under. What stress she's been under?!?!? Don't get me wrong I know she's been under a great deal of stress but after all I'm the one who has had to be mentally strong throughout these 14 years. I'm the one that has to fight every day to get up out of bed and not end my life. I don't want to die and be at odds with my mother. I don't want my last thoughts of her to be of hatred. Her story changes every time. It's impossible to try and speak with her and resolve anything. I tried today and it was as if I were talking to the wall. She'd immediately change the subject and leave me sitting there alone. I've never not spoken to her for two weeks. I feel alone as it is and now I feel dead inside. I just don't know what to do. My heart is broken over this. How she could hurt me knowing I have crps is and will always remain a mystery to me. To me that is like throwing someone down the steps who is in a wheelchair. I don't think it bothers her that we don't speak. In fact I think she enjoys it. I think she's grown tired if caring for me. I was afraid this day was going to come and would often get very depressed and cry over it. I would say to her, one day you're going to get sick of me and your compassion is going to be gone and you're not going to want to deal with me anymore. She said that would never happen. Doesn't she understand that my anger comes from hurt? I'm so hurt over what she did to me. She says she wasn't thinking. Well to me if you're not thinking then that means you don't care. She thinks because I make her angry she has the right to physically hurt me. Every day I just want her to show some kind of emotion....cry....anything. But right now she's sleeping like a baby and I'm awake thinking about the night that it happened. I ask myself if she ever thinks of what she's done? She's made it impossible for me to use my hand and arm for a certain period of time. It hurts to wear shirts because the pain soread to my shoulder and back. I know there is a new person on here who has crps and says he can wear pants because of hyperalgesia. That is extreme sensitivity, pain, to touch. And I know the kind of person I am. If I were to forgive her I wouldn't be able to stay civil for long because the minute I felt this pain or it came between something I want to do my anger will grab hold of me again and I'll just hate her even more. Why did things have to come to this? I don't know why she thinks it's acceptable to get violent with me when I'm so broken and physically can't defend myself because it will hurt too much. I lost a lot of my strength as well. She's much stronger than I am now. I used to be able to throw her across the room when she came at me. But not anymore. I fear I'm going to die hating my own mother. And we've shared too much love over the years and had too many wonderful times for that to happen. She's been there for me every moment during my illness. Up until two weeks ago I would have said no one could have a better mother. I always wind up saying I'm sorry to patch things up even when I haven't really done anything. And this isn't the first time she's hurt me. I have made excuses for her in the past. And I can't do that anymore because then it means that what she does to me is ok and if I give in I'm just going to allow it to happen again. She won't go for therapy...any kind if anger management. She won't talk to me because I'm angry with her. I want her to out down her pride and say, I'm going to talk to her no matter if she is angry with me or not. No matter if she tells me to go screw myself I'm going to tell her how much it hurts me to see what I've done to her and what I've taken away from her. I want to know that it breaks her heart that she did what she did. But I'm never going to get that. I'm getting more depressed as the days go on. I want the mother that I had back. Every attempt I make though winds up with her getting more aggravated. And she said she did this to me because I enraged her. Well what if I enraged her again? What part of me is going to get hurt next? She enrages me all the time but I never raise my hand to her. So what if I scream or cry? It's been 14 years of pain and isolation no one can imagine. I've been strong and I still am being strong. But everyone breaks at a certain point. The two women I talked to today had no conpassion. They both sides with her basically and one if them is a mother of a girl who had the same disease as me! How could she think my mother hurting me is justifiable? She said maybe I'll have to be the bigger person and patch things up. She suggested we go to therapy. Well I begged my mother over ten years ago that we go to therapy and she always said she had no problem. Well now it hurts too much for me to speak or listen so that idea is out. My other friend has a son who is autistic. She said she yelled at him all day. Ok, what does that have to due with what happened between my mother and I? She doesn't hit him because he's autistic and he can't help that. Well I'm sick with a condition too that I can't help so why do I deserve to be hit? I guess if yourr w mother you're going to stick up for the mother's. Because lord knows a mother could never do anything wrong right? This pain is eating me up inside. I'm so hurt and my heart is breaking more and more each day. I'm so sorry I went on for so long but these are the things I've wanted to say to my mother and I suppose I'm just getting them all out.
I feel like I'm suffocating on the inside. I don't know what to do. I'm angry, depressed, disgusted, and confused. I wish I was able to have contact with people and be able to be touched because I need someone to hold me right now. I'm so desperate. How did everything get like this between us?
I know I've been whining over this and people are probably getting so sick of me. But I have no one to talk to that would understand. It hurts too much to talk and I'd write about it but what she did to me left my hand unable to grip a pen. She knows how alone I feel inside. How can she just leave me like this? From morning until night I'm in my room not saying a word. I may as well not even be here. It's like I'm a piece of furniture gathering dust. You would think she'd want me to be as happy as I possibly could. I love the fall and I had a bunch of things I wanted to do with her but those never happened. Not having her support is enough to break me. I would like to kill myself on November 3rd. IDK if it's going to happen or not. Why can't I work up the nerve to do this? There is nothing left here for me but physical and emotional pain. The sun is about to come up and it makes me sick to see it. That means another day of this shit.

 

[Soul]

(((virtual hugs that only comfort)))
I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
Does your mother have a therapist? She needs one. I reckon you do have a therapist that you can contact; you need to tell them what happened. (((more virtual hugs)))

 

[Sweet emotion]

(((virtual hugs that only comfort)))
I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
Does your mother have a therapist? She needs one. I reckon you do have a therapist that you can contact; you need to tell them what happened. (((more virtual hugs)))

No, if you read what I wrote I can't talk. Physically it hurts the inside if my ears too much and then the pain travels to my head. She would never see one. After about 5-10 minutes due to my condition I'm in unbearable pain. Thank you for the hugs though. I could never tell anyone what happened because I need her here to do the things for me that I'm not physically able to do. I understand she's stressed but she has no idea of what really being stressed feels like. To be so stressed and scared you can't sleep no matter if you're tired or not.

 

[Le_lacrime_di_marzo]

So sorry to read this. It's unfathomable to me that a mother would treat their sick daughter like that. What a horrible situation. You deserve better. Sending virtual hugs too...

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry.
Do you have any medical carers who see you regularly? Is there a way to let them know (by email or text?) that you feel you and your mother need (more) home visits that could maybe include some kind of "couples therapy"? Her need for help would become apparent.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Best of luck. Hope you two can work something out.

 

[k75]

What if you were to write her a letter? If you can't get her to listen and can't do therapy with her, maybe you could write all the things you'd like to say to her. Sometimes that really helps, because neither of you would have to deal with real time emotions that could cause the situation to escalate and prevent her from really listening to you. Plus, it's therapeutic to just be able to write it down like you did here.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm sorry.
Do you have any medical carers who see you regularly? Is there a way to let them know (by email or text?) that you feel you and your mother need (more) home visits that could maybe include some kind of "couples therapy"? Her need for help would become apparent.

Home visits? Doctors don't come to your house. And again, I'm sorry but I don't know how many times I can explain this....I can't do therapy. The constant talking is too painful.

Best of luck. Hope you two can work something out.

Thank you very much.

What if you were to write her a letter? If you can't get her to listen and can't do therapy with her, maybe you could write all the things you'd like to say to her. Sometimes that really helps, because neither of you would have to deal with real time emotions that could cause the situation to escalate and prevent her from really listening to you. Plus, it's therapeutic to just be able to write it down like you did here.

You know I was thinking about doing that. Then I remembered that he damaged the hand that I write with and I can't hold a pen. See that's when my anger starts to brew again. It's been two weeks since this happened almost...two days shy and I'm still all screwed up physically. I don't think this flare is going to go away. Every time I feel the pain I'm going to think of her. Every time I can't do something with my dominant hand I'm going to think of her. It's so hard when you want a relationship with someone but you can't forgive them. I guess I'm going to have to learn that this is the new normal. Even if it's awful. I woke up this morning and almost started crying because I realised I woke up and it was a new day. I think my mother has given me the motivation I need to finally end it soon.

See now I just told my mother that my arm was killing me. I swear it feels like it's all fractured. That is the pain of the disease....and I got nothing from her...she's in the other room and absolutely nothing. Why am I finding for a relationship that she obviously doesn't want.

 

[Soul]

Home visits? Doctors don't come to your house. And again, I'm sorry but I don't know how many times I can explain this....I can't do therapy. The constant talking is too painful.

Thank you very much.

You know I was thinking about doing that. Then I remembered that he damaged the hand that I write with and I can't hold a pen. See that's when my anger starts to brew again. It's been two weeks since this happened almost...two days shy and I'm still all screwed up physically. I don't think this flare is going to go away. Every time I feel the pain I'm going to think of her. Every time I can't do something with my dominant hand I'm going to think of her. It's so hard when you want a relationship with someone but you can't forgive them. I guess I'm going to have to learn that this is the new normal. Even if it's awful. I woke up this morning and almost started crying because I realised I woke up and it was a new day. I think my mother has given me the motivation I need to finally end it soon.

See now I just told my mother that my arm was killing me. I swear it feels like it's all fractured. That is the pain of the disease....and I got nothing from her...she's in the other room and absolutely nothing. Why am I finding for a relationship that she obviously doesn't want.

I'm sorry again that I didn't know no doctors (or nurses? therapists?) look in on you. You do have doctors, though? I suggested above using email or text messages to communicate with them because that would be similar to writing posts on this forum, which I guess hurts you less than talking or normal writing.

From everything you describe, your mother needs therapy. If she won't accept it herself, try starting it with her, like couples therapy but for mother/daughter. You can use text messages for that too, since talking hurts too much.

Another alternative is to contact any organization for the disabled or against domestic violence and describe your situation.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm sorry again that I didn't know no doctors (or nurses? therapists?) look in on you. You do have doctors, though? I suggested above using email or text messages to communicate with them because that would be similar to writing posts on this forum, which I guess hurts you less than talking or normal writing.

From everything you describe, your mother needs therapy. If she won't accept it herself, try starting it with her, like couples therapy but for mother/daughter. You can use text messages for that too, since talking hurts too much.

Another alternative is to contact any organization for the disabled or against domestic violence and describe your situation.

I appreciate your advice but doctors don't dontheraoy like that here. And I would never do that to my mother because she doesn't beat me on a daily basis. Or anything near that. Plus who would take care of me if they took her away somewhere? She's not certifiable. I've hit people in anger too before. But no one has ever been hurt. What she did was not right but I'm not about to have her put away over it. And yes of course I have doctors. I don't come from omish country haha. I don't know where you live where doctors call you up to check in on you. These people have huge practices with tons of patients. They don't think....hhhmmm got nothing to do right now so let me call Audriana and see how she's doing. I'm not being sarcastic. That's just not the way the world works.

 

[Soul]

I appreciate your advice but doctors don't dontheraoy like that here. And I would never do that to my mother because she doesn't beat me on a daily basis. Or anything near that. Plus who would take care of me if they took her away somewhere? She's not certifiable. I've hit people in anger too before. But no one has ever been hurt. What she did was not right but I'm not about to have her put away over it. And yes of course I have doctors. I don't come from omish country haha. I don't know where you live where doctors call you up to check in on you. These people have huge practices with tons of patients. They don't think....hhhmmm got nothing to do right now so let me call Audriana and see how she's doing. I'm not being sarcastic. That's just not the way the world works.

Of course that's not how the world works. Doctors, nurses, therapists and caretakers make housecalls on severely disabled people on a schedule. And patients have ways to contact them, for example to request help.

As for your mother, I wasn't suggesting "having her put away". I was suggesting that you could help her get help she needs. Everything you've written about her points to her needing help.

I'm sorry you're suffering. I wish you positive outcomes, whatever choices you make.

Please don't feel obligated to reply.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Of course that's not how the world works. Doctors, nurses, therapists and caretakers make housecalls on severely disabled people on a schedule. And patients have ways to contact them, for example to request help.

As for your mother, I wasn't suggesting "having her put away". I was suggesting that you could help her get help she needs. Everything you've written about her points to her needing help.

I'm sorry you're suffering. I wish you positive outcomes, whatever choices you make.

Please don't feel obligated to reply.

I'm not severely disabled. I can walk.

Of course that's not how the world works. Doctors, nurses, therapists and caretakers make housecalls on severely disabled people on a schedule. And patients have ways to contact them, for example to request help.

As for your mother, I wasn't suggesting "having her put away". I was suggesting that you could help her get help she needs. Everything you've written about her points to her needing help.

I'm sorry you're suffering. I wish you positive outcomes, whatever choices you make.

Please don't feel obligated to reply.

I'm not severely disabled. I can walk.