Venting I'm still here

[PlushieLover]

I'm supposed to be dead. First I say "Okay, in January I'll go" and January passed. Then I said, "February would be nice to go" and February passed. Then I said "Okay, definitely I'll go in August I'm sure" and August passed. Two days ago I said "I can't take this anymore, I'll do it before my birthday no matter what" and guess what, my birthday passed.

I'm 20 years old now, I feel so devastated, I feel so useless and so uncomfortable. I can feel all the happiness leaking out my body, is going to happen again, I'm going to isolate myself again.

Nothing changed since I was 15. None of my thoughts corresponds to my actions and none of my actions corresponds with my feelings. I'm just a big fat lie, all my being is a lie. Nothing I do make any sense in any way. I don't understand why I want to break everything I touch then I will feel bad about it later and then I would forget and do it again.

I don't want any sympathy, I'm a sociopath that should kill himself right fucking now. I don't even now if I regret every fucking thing I ever made or if I don't regret nothing. My whole being is a contradiction and I should kill myself.

 

[whatevs]

Hmm but if you are a sociopath why aren´t you narcissistic and put yourself first, i.e. not resort to suicide when you are still young?

 

[PlushieLover]

Hmm but if you are a sociopath why aren´t you narcissistic and put yourself first, i.e. not resort to suicide when you are still young?

I don't know man, I wish I knew

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish that I left a while ago as well. This life really is so horrible and painful and it sounds unbearable what you have to endure.

 

[WonderingSoul]

I feel the same

 

[Seeking_Peace]

I'm supposed to be dead. First I say "Okay, in January I'll go" and January passed. Then I said, "February would be nice to go" and February passed. Then I said "Okay, definitely I'll go in August I'm sure" and August passed. Two days ago I said "I can't take this anymore, I'll do it before my birthday no matter what" and guess what, my birthday passed.

I'm 20 years old now, I feel so devastated, I feel so useless and so uncomfortable. I can feel all the happiness leaking out my body, is going to happen again, I'm going to isolate myself again.

Nothing changed since I was 15. None of my thoughts corresponds to my actions and none of my actions corresponds with my feelings. I'm just a big fat lie, all my being is a lie. Nothing I do make any sense in any way. I don't understand why I want to break everything I touch then I will feel bad about it later and then I would forget and do it again.

I don't want any sympathy, I'm a sociopath that should kill himself right fucking now. I don't even now if I regret every fucking thing I ever made or if I don't regret nothing. My whole being is a contradiction and I should kill myself.

Nothing you said makes you a sociopath. However, if you threaten suicide, with intention to manipulate others, is a type of sociopath. Do you do that?

 

[PlushieLover]

Nothing you said makes you a sociopath. However, if you threaten suicide, with intention to manipulate others, is a type of sociopath. Do you do that?

I did that once and never again

I feel the same

Maybe you are bipolar too

 

[Foresight]

Hmm but if you are a sociopath why aren´t you narcissistic and put yourself first, i.e. not resort to suicide when you are still young?

I don't think a sociopath would worry about feeling useful either. Narcissist and sociopath are sometimes tossed around too leniently when someone hates a person or themselves.

Sounds like you're feeling really conflicted. I hope some clarity comes through for you.

 

[ReflectionOfTrauma]

Hey man, I'm feeling kind of similiar. I regret so many things I've done in the past, it's haunting me everyday and I feel like I don't deserve getting treatment for my mental health because of this. Do you want to chat just for a while?

I don't want any sympathy, I'm a sociopath that should kill himself right fucking now. I don't even now if I regret every fucking thing I ever made or if I don't regret nothing. My whole being is a contradiction and I should kill myself.

 

[PlushieLover]

Hey man, I'm feeling kind of similiar. I regret so many things I've done in the past, it's haunting me everyday and I feel like I don't deserve getting treatment for my mental health because of this. Do you want to chat just for a while?

Sure