I'm still here

[dolphin2.0]

Hey guys, I made a post on my former account about a week ago. I was considering killing myself yesterday and had a room booked but for some reason on Wednesday I stopped taking the Meto and then didn't show up to the hotel. I feel pretty lost to be honest. I don't want to be here but I'm just afraid. Also, do you think I should refrain from booking any more rooms for the time being? I booked 1 room about a month ago, cancelled, booked another room, didn't show up, all at the same hotel. Would I be safer going with a different hotel? Anyone in the hospitality industry have any comments?

For the time being, I'm doing what I can to stay alive
I don't know .. staying alive feels like the impulsive choice to me
This is so hard guys

 

[jake3d]

Ask for an unban of your old account. Multiple accounts are forbidden here.

That being said, welcome back. And I think you should book a different hotel next time.

 

[binturong]

I think, better not to rush if no confidence ( if there is no progressive deterioration of somatic and mental health). Good luck in any choice.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry for my English, I can not learn a non-native language, so use the program translator.

 

[dolphin2.0]

Ask for an unban of your old account. Multiple accounts are forbidden here.

That being said, welcome back. And I think you should book a different hotel next time.

I made the password a random string and then deleted the email associated with my former account because of suicide plans. Is it possible to tag an admin in this post? What is the best way to address this?

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

maybe you should concentrating on living - its ok most suicidal people will never commit suicide including majority of people on this forum.

what use does it have when you spend more time in this state between suicide and death. it will only make your life worse

 

[dolphin2.0]

maybe you should concentrating on living - its ok most suicidal people will never commit suicide including majority of people on this forum.

what use does it have when you spend more time in this state between suicide and death. it will only make your life worse

I know. I am struggling right now because of this. I have N, so I either need to go through with CTB or throw it out. I'm not ready to do the latter.
I have an appt with someone later this week and I think I should discuss my options (won't mention N, just say that I've been thinking of hanging maybe but will be careful to not get institutionalized). I need to make a decision soon but I won't rush into anything. I'm hoping this person might have some advice for me.

 

[jake3d]

I made the password a random string and then deleted the email associated with my former account because of suicide plans.

There is a Feedback section where you can request an unban. Explain the situation and an admin will sort you out.

 

[dolphin2.0]

There is a Feedback section where you can request an unban. Explain the situation and an admin will sort you out.

Ok I had just messaged a mod. I'll figure it out, thank you for reminding me :)

 

[Shamana]

What about taking a few months holiday on whether you should CBT or not? You have the method, you have the product. You don't need to feel pressured about making a decision about it?

 

[throwaway123]

I made the password a random string and then deleted the email associated with my former account because of suicide plans. Is it possible to tag an admin in this post? What is the best way to address this?

@Meretlein

 

[HGL91]

What about taking a few months holiday on whether you should CBT or not? You have the method, you have the product. You don't need to feel pressured about making a decision about it?

I agree with this idea

 

[dolphin2.0]

I agree with this idea

I understand why you would suggest this but I have chronic head pain and cognitive problems and pretty much do want to die 24/7. I am struggling to even take 1 course at school, and will likely never get a job because of it. So suicide is pretty much constantly on my mind. I told myself I would wait a while after not going through with Thursday, and here I am now ... I don't know guys ... I think it seems like the right option, I don't know why I keep chickening out. I guess it's hard to predict how you'll actually feel when the time comes.


I don't think hotel is an option anymore. Will likely have to do at home .. unfortunate but :( I'm hoping that the N doesn't take long to work ...

 

[RainAndSadness]

I cancelled my room a few times in the past and at least my hotel doesn't mind. Seems to be an automated process. Like, I could do it on their homepage and nobody ever complained to me, even when I finally checked into my room, a few weeks ago. And just like you, I couldn't do it. So, I can totally relate to your situation and how you feel right now. I know it's crushing and very defeating, realizing that you aren't there yet. And not being able to leave, despite it being the only wish we have left. I felt the same way. And I felt so horrible when I couldn't do it. I wouldn't beat yourself up over that. It feels horrible but many members in this forum went through the same and it's simply your survival instinct kicking in, I assume. You can attempt again in the future if you feel like leaving, like - you basically have all the time in the world. Oh and welcome back. I noticed your goodbye post and I remember your username.

 

[dolphin2.0]

I cancelled my room a few times in the past and at least my hotel doesn't mind. Seems to be an automated process. Like, I could do it on their homepage and nobody ever complained to me, even when I finally checked into my room, a few weeks ago. And just like you, I couldn't do it. So, I can totally relate to your situation and how you feel right now. I know it's crushing and very defeating, realizing that you aren't there yet. And not being able to leave, despite it being the only wish we have left. I felt the same way. And I felt so horrible when I couldn't do it. I wouldn't beat yourself up over that. It feels horrible but many members in this forum went through the same and it's simply your survival instinct kicking in, I assume. You can attempt again in the future if you feel like leaving, like - you basically have all the time in the world. Oh and welcome back. I noticed your goodbye post and I remember your username.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with the same thing :(
Sadly I lost my excuse that would have allowed me to leave the house long enough to CTB. I'm going to have to just take it at night at home and hope for the best.

 

[suffering]

Hey dolphin.. I spent some time in a hotel room as well, trying to build up the courage. I kept extending my stay, hoping to finally do it, but I couldn't. It was such a dark and hard time. I felt like I was trapped in some sort of game, like a prisoner trying to escape. The streets looked unusual, the buildings with the lights off, everything seemed unreal, like I was in the final level of a really unusual game, where committing suicide would finally help me finish it. But I couldn't.
I kept hoping for a miracle to end my life, but it didn't happen.
For a number of months I could barely get out of the house, I could barely leave the bed.
Now I'm living a fake life, I started working again, unable to end it.
Maybe you'll have more courage than me. I wish you peace, no matter what you chose. Sending hugs!

 

[Dreamcolleger]

Nice to see you back. If you need help on making the decision I suggest you try and look at what you have lost and what you could have had but now never will. I find when you sit in purgatory for too long you start to get a false sense of "actually things aren't so bad". Warning though: it is unbearable

 

[dolphin2.0]

Nice to see you back. If you need help on making the decision I suggest you try and look at what you have lost and what you could have had but now never will. I find when you sit in purgatory for too long you start to get a false sense of "actually things aren't so bad". Warning though: it is unbearable

Yeah, exactly. I've let myself go so much that I'll just be eating a nice apple or something and say "look, this is tasty, life can still be enjoyed" ... NO

 

[LifeIsNotFun]

Nice to see you back.

 

[dolphin2.0]

Nice to see you back. If you need help on making the decision I suggest you try and look at what you have lost and what you could have had but now never will. I find when you sit in purgatory for too long you start to get a false sense of "actually things aren't so bad". Warning though: it is unbearable

Can you PM me?

 

[LaBrava]

Welcome back. No rush to CTB, if it's not your time then so be it.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

That's SI man, millions of years of evolution... I'm happy yo see you back here anyway. It wasn't your time, there's no urge now, take time to slow down.