Venting I'm starting to lose my mind

[Mara09]

I want to ctb so badly, I know my life will forever be shit, I despise it and I just want to end my suffering already, but everytime I come so close to it I think of my mother and my sister and I can't bear to think of how they would feel if I did ctb and then I just cry like a little bitch until I'm too exhausted to do anything. They aren't perfect, I hate them sometimes, they've hurt me sometimes, but I know somewhere they probably care for me and I just can't fucking bring myself to do it. It pains me with guilt to think about it, but I also want to die so, so badly I can't take it anymore. Everything just hurts...I don't know what to do

 

[iwanttodie000]

Similar for me. For years, my parents have kept me here. I know they love me and I don't want to hurt them. I know they care about me and they know about my depression/anxiety, but they don't know how close to ctb I am. It hurts me to know I will be hurting them, but it's been so long and I am so tired and I am slowly moving past that stopping me. I hope to spell out that it's not their fault in my note which I hope brings them peace, but I can't stay here much longer. I feel your pain, I wish they didn't care. I don't want them to care. Just let me go and find my peace.

 

[infinitelove]

I relate so much. I fluctuate between finding peace with it to feeling paralysed with concern again. It's gotten better over time but ultimately I don't think there's an easy clear cut way to make this disappear for those of us with people in our lives who will be affected by our decision to exit. We're all going to die anyways, it's just bursting people's expectations of how it's supposed to happen is all. They expect it to be from some illness, old age or accident to be considered a more normal acceptable death which is a super primal way of thinking. Rational suicide must be normalised but it's going to require a massive shattering of the outdated rigid belief systems people live their lives through.

 

[Mara09]

I hope to spell out that it's not their fault in my note which I hope brings them peace, but I can't stay here much longer. I feel your pain, I wish they didn't care. I don't want them to care. Just let me go and find my peace.

I've also considered writing in my note how much happier I will be once I'm dead and they shouldn't be sad, they should be happy for me. I think it's probably better than nothing...

 

[itsallover]

I feel you brother, I was watching assisted suicide videos on youtube and one young guy who had a rare condition where his whole body would start to hurt randomly had his family on his side about dying. That's all he wanted was to die in a comfortable environment and unfortunately he had to do it in some dingy motel and his family was so upset about the law in Canada not including people with non terminal diseases.

 

[iwanttodie000]

I've also considered writing in my note how much happier I will be once I'm dead and they shouldn't be sad, they should be happy for me. I think it's probably better than nothing...

Yeah, either way, I know it will hurt them tremendously. I am hoping letting them know it had nothing to do with them and there's nothing they could have done will bring some kind of peace in my note. I hope they remember the good memories and am happy I will be at peace. I just can't stick around much longer and I hope they understand.

 

[BandAddict]

It's like your speaking my exact thoughts. I feel like I'm really on the edge right now with no other way out. If my mom and sibling just decided they wanted me to die I'd happily do it. Deep down I hope that they'll find some kind of relief once I've finally had enough and the guilt can no longer keep me afloat.

I'm sorry you're going through this, there's not much else I can say other than I really do understand the feeling, and it really fucking sucks.