I’m split in two… again

[dinosavr]

I posted here a few days ago about how I plan to tell my therapist about my current mental crisis to reach out for help.
Last time I felt so bad was back in November/December 2023 or never before and since then I've been regretting not letting myself get even worse and ending my life.
So this time I feel again not at all sure if I should really tell her. What if in one way or another she'll make it impossible for me to use my preferred method or any method at all? I don't want to lose this opportunity. And I don't want to heal, maybe deep down I do, because I engage in my recovery quite a lot but still, I don't feel ready to be happy again :( Is that even possible?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

So this time I feel again not at all sure if I should really tell her. What if in one way or another she'll make it impossible for me to use my preferred method or any method at all? I don't want to lose this opportunity. And I don't want to heal, maybe deep down I do, because I engage in my recovery quite a lot but still, I don't feel ready to be happy again :( Is that even possible?

You're really trapped in between wanting/trying to recover and SI - that's how I see it. It's about how much chances do you see to really recover? That's also a question if that what really causes your MH issues and suicidality can be fixed. It's trial and error and how much effort you want to put in a recovery project by yourself.

 

[dinosavr]

You're really trapped in between wanting/trying to recover and SI - that's how I see it. It's about how much chances do you see to really recover? That's also a question if that what really causes your MH issues and suicidality can be fixed. It's trial and error and how much effort you want to put in a recovery project by yourself.

I think I have almost perfect conditions to heal, I have a supporting family, I live with my friends, so I'm not alone, I can afford therapy, meds and precooked healthy meals, I have a job, I'm almost totally healthy physically, really there's not much to complain about. The missing pieces are mental health obv, bigger financial stability, a life partner and having a hobby. But it's not necessary to be able to heal.
But the thing is that for now I don't really want to do any more work on my health than I've been doing so far. I'm not ready. I'm already pretty overwhelmed and tired. But on the other hand maybe that's because I haven't been working on what's the most important, I guess.