Venting I'm Sorry...

[Deleted member 23586]

*anxiety activates* *sorry for typos*

OK I have to apologize because I don't know where else to go or who to talk right now, but if you are willing to give me a moment of time or the space to be able to I'd appreciate it. I should probably leave a disclaimer so people understand more of where I am coming from in fear of being rejected even here where this was my last resort. I have a lot of ptsd and also have a huge rap sheet of mental health issues that make me feel like opening up here, people will are going to attack me or be really judgemental. I say that to ask for those that give me the time of day to please be gentle with me because I am super sensitive. I tend to shut down and repress things if things are going in the opposite direction than where I was headed. This is going to be long, messy, and adhd driven. I hope I can make this as coherent as possible. Thank you so much again. I appreciate you all. ^~^!

(that intro was long af....sorry smh *face palm*)

So uhm.... Let's see. I'm so very exhausted. And I feel so bad because I actually had a really good day. I felt really good today. I had a pretty bad panic attack earlier (which is an everyday occurrence), but I stuck it out and I was able to somehow get myself out of it. I was able to turn on my switch and a play a game for a really long time which I haven't been able to do for months. I talked to my favorite person in the world (my brother) all day till he slept as per usual (I'm in USA. He's in UK). I watched a movie I've been wanting to find, and found it on a fluke on YouTube (Baf Hair). They took it down literally right after the credits rolled haha. So I felt so damn lucky today. I then showed my sister and nephew the same movie (on a bootleg site) and watched it with them. We had such a great and fun time watching it. It felt so nice. So so nice. I didn't binge (eating disorders) as much today.

Then at the end of the night (right now) I went back to my room. I came here to check on my babies. That's what I lovingly call you all in my head... Don't ask why, I just feel like you're all my lil babies and I gotta take care of you and be here for you ever since I found this site. I know it must seem so weird and strange but I can't help it. People say I'm too nice and caring for my own good...and I honestly don't see myself as doing enough or all that much of a good person. Anyways... Everytime I read a goodbye thread I cry as if I lost them myself. And they didn't even know I existed, and I didn't even know them... I don't even know you all but here I am caring for you all like you're my new found family haha.

But after all of that, and after I finally.... After so fucking long, I finally have a good day, why do I still feel so bad? And I feel so selfish and ungrateful and unappreciative. It's like I'm back at square one, like none of that happened almost. My anxiety/panic attacks hit me like a brick because I'm so fucking scared of everything. But most of all living. The future is grim always. The past is just a dark. I'm stuck between a rock, a hard place, and a volcano. No matter what I do it feels like I'm gonna suffer and die.

I ordered my stuff for SN and I was so very very excited. It's a very twisted bittersweet feeling. My tagamet got here today and my SN arrives soon. But when it got here I wasn't excited anymore... I was so sad that it's come to this.... That this was driving for to hold on a little longer for my brother mostly. I know that may sound weird but just having the option to leave whenever I want, comforts me just enough to keep me going as long as I can for him. I love him so much and I'm trying my best. I really am trying. But I'm so fucking lonely. I've been isolated most of my life. Alone, abused I'm various ways (various forms of assault, mentally and physically). By like 90 percent of the people who I've come in contact with. Each time killing parts of me. I live with one of my abusers, my sis, and nephew... They have no idea they are an abuser, and I can't tell them or kick them out because I need them to take care of my family and myself. It's a very fucked up situation... I know.

Im trying to hold on at least until I'm able to get bottom surgery to subside some of this pain. Diminish a lil bit of my dysphoria. I'm trying so hard to stay. But I've been forced into this wall. This is all just the tip of the iceburg of what my life has been like. And I feel so sad and sorry for needing people. Needing someone here. Needing someone to talk to. Needing someone to understand me. Needing someone to not abandon me again...needing some to please hold me. Needing intimacy. Needing to feel wanted. Needing to be loved... I'm such a needy person haha. And what makes it worst is that I want these things knowing I don't even feel I deserve that.

Anyways I'm very sorry again for the long rant. For those that made it this far I appreciate you so so so very much and thank you for taking the time to read this. If I could I'd give you a package of sour gummy bears, sour gummy worms, and a giant plushy alpaca. Oh and a juice box! Maybe I'm projecting cuz I want all those things haha. Ok I'mma go and leave you alone now. Bai Bai Babies, ^~^!

(I'm so scared to push the damn post button Omg Lmao. I've been staring at forevaaaa. Fuck my life! Why am I like this, I'm such a child haha. >~<)

 

[Ghost2211]

I'll always read your posts and you never need to be worried to express yourself. I wish I could give you so many hugs, and donuts, and a teddy bear, and some popcorn, and chill and watch funny movies.

 

[HelloHell]

Yo I read all of it. Thank you for sharing your feeling and thoughts with us
I believe this is a (pretty) safe space to open up whenever you feel the need to

and i can relate to still feeling bad after having a good day, and I understand that feeling of ungratefulness, you're not alone
Needing people is normal human nature, don't feel bad for it, it's totally normal, and you have a lot of people here always ready to read your vent and try to understand you

 

[ovaltinee99]

Read all of it and thought you have such an endearing personality. I'm sorry life is tough and your anxiety is bad. Hugs.

 

[beetlejuiceahh]

Loved hearing you had a good day today lovely! Thank you for sharing with us! You stood out with me as soon as you joined and I can tell you have an amazing caring personality! I can relate to your arrival of SN and how you find comfort in just having it because I just got a rope that is long enough and will support me and I perfected the knot after days of struggling with it. Having it feels like a security blanket as I continue to go on for my ex. I'm sorry to hear that you are stuck living with oppressors and can't tell them to fuck off. I hope you continue to share on this site because I love hearing little updates on you no matter what the contents are, I can either celebrate with you or relate to you. Thank you lovely<3

 

[peacechoice]

Please don't worry about that. You are no bother to us. We understand you completely. I really mean it. I didn't think that anyone in this whole world think like me until I came to this site. I see so much of what I feel in many of the people here. When I say I understand, I really do. I understand the self doubt, the extreme fear that comes with the unknown of an already terrible life. The instability, the fragility, the hurt of the people that are misunderstood and mistreated for not conforming to the herd mentality or simply not being able to "keep up" when they physically can't. I understand. It's a fucking bitch and I'm not going to lie and say it'll get better. I'm not as delusional as the rest of the world and it makes me happy that other people (I would say the vast majority of the people on this site) don't have these stupid delusions either. I'm not going to instill false hope where there is none to be had. Just know that Instead of telling you to cheer up or toughen up, I sit beside you in your pain. Although I can't take it away, I sit beside you and listen and won't judge. Won't talk. Won't tell you you'll be fine, but I sit beside you in your pain. I also feel too much for this world. Sometimes I want to be blind so I don't have to see the sadness and pain that I see all around me. No one deserves a sad life a life devoid of opportunity. This opportunity that people don't have is what makes or breaks hope. Since some of us never had this opportunity, we can never have hope. That is life. A sad one, but a life non the less.

I hope you can make it another day stronger, but I know the pain will always be there. I am sorry for that, also I think it's sooo cute that you call us your babies. I feel like this community is by far the best on the internet. I don't know how such a shunned topic can be so supportive and the most understanding. I guess it's because we're the only ones who are enlightened. So funny.

 

[dropdeadfred]

Then at the end of the night (right now) I went back to my room. I came here to check on my babies. That's what I lovingly call you all in my head... Don't ask why, I just feel like you're all my lil babies and I gotta take care of you and be here for you ever since I found this site. I know it must seem so weird and strange but I can't help it.

I am unsure if I've ever felt more cared about. Thank you so much, especially with everything you've gone through & are going through.

 

[Deleted member 23586]

First off all.... I'm so so sorry for the late response. I went to sleep because I was so drained. And I had to leave the site for a moment because I was a lot of anxiety with so much feeling my head with things. Like how I thought I was gonna be misunderstood, attacked, invisible, or whatever negative thing. And I feel so bad now because how could I think that in the number one most loving site on the whole internet. I should've known my lil babies would've been there for me and I am honestly so fucking grateful right now. Like Omg I wish I had the words to express how beautiful you've made me feel. Thank you so much everyone. I've cried so much, but this is the first time I've cried with an abundance of joy in my heart. I can't thank you all enough. I needed this so bad. You all have lit a small pink and purple flame in my heart. I know that, just like the flame I hold in my heart for my brother, these are also eternal. Even after I've gone, by life or my own hand, these will never ever ever burn out. And I thank you people so fucking much. My heart is so full right now. So fucking full I'm way past capacity and I have nothing but tears.

Also the other reason why it took me so long to respond, is because it took me a good 30 mins to get through them becasue I kept crying at the beautiful messages. I'm still sobbing my eyes out. God damn it I feel so fucking loved right now.

@RoseyBird this is where my tears started to form. Thank you so much for reading my post hun. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for noticing me. Everytime I see you in my notifications, I smile so much. Because I see you too. I always read your post as well. And your presence just makes me so happy. Thank you. Thank you. I genuinely wish I could do all those things with you. Especially since I don't have friends to do that with me. I would be so happy about that. I know I would have a wonderful beautiful time with you. I really wish I could do that with you. I'm so sorry I can't. I'm so so sorry I can't be there for you like you probably really need right now hun. But I'll continue to try my best here. I hope I can be up to par for you. *give you Uber hugs and candy and stuff*

@HelloHell this when more tears started to fill my face and it became harder to read. Thank you so much sweety for reading my post. It means so much to me that you did. And even more that you even responded to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to be here for me at any capacity. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for understanding me. I hate that you relate to my pain, but I'm so glad if you must, it's with you here. Thanks for telling me its normal. This place is the most normal I've ever felt haha. It's so fucked up, but so damn beautiful. Than you for contributing to that. *super mega hugs a blanky and a juicebox*

@ovaltinee99 this is where the tears started to fall. First off, I fucking love your damn name haha. It's so fucking kewt. I know it fits you well. I won't allow you to think otherwise haha. Thank you so much for reading through this long ass thesis I wrote haha. You're a trooper for that. Thank you for understanding mand thank you for calling my personality endearing. I don't think anyone's ever told me that before. Thank you for being the first. I'm glad it was you hun. More ovaltinee pleaaaaseee. *gives you the biggest warmest hug back and a plushie*

@peacechoice and this is where I officially broke down sobbing. Oh peace... Wow. Fucking wow. I'm having such a hard time piecing together the words you left me because fucking wow. It took me the longest to read yours. And not because it was the longest haha. I promise that wasn't the main reason haha. I had the hardest time reading yours because this one broke me in the best way possible. Completely. You surely have the right word in your name. Peace, because that's what you gave me. A glimmer of peace and comfort. I truly didn't deserve any of these messages but yours.... Yours hit me so fucking hard. I didn't deserve those words but I'm accepting them with so much pride and joy in my heart. "I sit beside you in your pain" was one of the best things I've ever genuinely heard in my entire life. It took me 10 mins and a bathroom break to even comprehend those words. If I'm ever privileged enough to know your real first name (and even if not), I'm gonna put that quote everywhere and I'm gonna have it on my wall with your name next to it. Honestly I want to put the whole thing up to frame. I'll probably do that too, because everything after that was just as ridiculously gorgeous as the last. Your spirit is absolutely gorgeous to me. You see me in ways I never thought could happen. You understand me so fucking much and I can't believe that you all exist. I can't believe you exist and I get to have a conversation with someone as special as you are. Thank for giving me so much of you. I always cherish these words and make sure to always think of them and read these and your message over and over again when I feel down or worst. Adding to my fuel to push a little bit harder a little bit more, but also knowing it's OK if I can't. It's OK to not always be OK. You are definitely one of my lil babies. Thank you for being here. And I fucking agree. This is the best place ever. Ever. I mean that. Thank you for being here and being apart of something so beautiful. *big big super duper warm hugs and tropical gummies*. Sorry if I sob on your shoulder while I hug you haha.

@dropdeadfred this is where I was completely incoherent and couldn't even read yours for a minute because I couldn't handle that another person left me a message at all. It means so much to hear that you feel cared for. That's all I really want for all of you the most. Even if some of you don't want it yourself. I know it's selfish probably but I want the world for you all. And your apart of that world. Thank you so much hun. *warm fuzzy hugs with a dash of squeeze and a plushie*

Thank you all so much for this. And any messages I may receive after. I'll respond to everyone of them. Everyone of them means so much to me. Everyone that has read my post is so freaking amazing. I would only trade this place it meant none of us, past or future members never needed/ wanted it. If our happiness was fulfilled. If the stigma were to disappear. Living openly and free to talk about issues, and solutions to be met. And if that includes ctb, then It should mean having that right everywhere. Thank you my lil babies again. Love.

 

[antigone_iris]

@PinkMidnight I've read your posts and I appreciate your courage to share your thoughts and feelings with us.

And I feel so bad because I actually had a really good day. I felt really good today. I had a pretty bad panic attack earlier (which is an everyday occurrence), but I stuck it out and I was able to somehow get myself out of it.

I'm glad you had a good day, and I'm proud of you! Panic attacks are real b*tches, I know that too well, and you managed to beat them. Bravo! Sending hugs and tasty gummy bears

 

[Deleted member 23586]

@PinkMidnight I've read your posts and I appreciate your courage to share your thoughts and feelings with us.

I'm glad you had a good day, and I'm proud of you! Panic attacks are real b*tches, I know that too well, and you managed to beat them. Bravo! Sending hugs and tasty gummy bears

D'aww thank you so much! It feels so great hearing that. They are a bitch and you're right. I did beat it up haha! And Omg these look so freaking gewwwwwd. I need them in mai life right now! Must... Find... Vegan... Ones.

Loved hearing you had a good day today lovely! Thank you for sharing with us! You stood out with me as soon as you joined and I can tell you have an amazing caring personality! I can relate to your arrival of SN and how you find comfort in just having it because I just got a rope that is long enough and will support me and I perfected the knot after days of struggling with it. Having it feels like a security blanket as I continue to go on for my ex. I'm sorry to hear that you are stuck living with oppressors and can't tell them to fuck off. I hope you continue to share on this site because I love hearing little updates on you no matter what the contents are, I can either celebrate with you or relate to you. Thank you lovely<3

Omg how did I not see this. Omg I'm so sorry babes. I was so happy and sobbing and disoriented. Ahhh fuck. I hope you don't think I ignored you. I promise I didn't. Fuck mai laiiiife...

*fixes face*
OK so I lemme start off by saying you are such a beautiful spirit love I honestly can't believe I stood out to you. I love that so much. Thank you for making me feel so special. I'm so glad you relate to having the comfort there, but I'm also sad that you have to relate. But I'm here if you ever want to talk further about that or anything else ok? You are so fucking sweet. I love seeing your notifications in my feed. I want to be be able to celebrate each other together. I'd really love that. Thank you so much and I hope you forgive me for not seeing your message. I'd never ignore you. Never ever.

 

[peacechoice]

Thank you so much for responding. Please please message me when you need. I really mean it. I feel like no one in this world gets me but people here. I really wish I knew some of you in real life. Life would be so much easier if we could just express ourselves truly without any filters. Sure life is great for some but some of us don't and won't have that opportunity. No one really responds when I send them a chat so maybe we can chat! I would love that. You have such a beautiful soul and personality. You are easily so lovable. Thank you for existing. You are brave and beautiful!

 

[Deleted member 23009]

Oh my, I wish I could take away some of the pain you're going through.. No one deserves to go through so much and it really saddens me to see you struggle through it
The last thing you should do is apologize for posting here, you have all the right to do so and people will always be here to listen to you

I'm glad you had such a wonderful day but also sad you still felt that way at the end of the day. You seem to be such a caring person and it really warmed my heart knowing you care so much about people here, including me, who doesn't really know you haha. You're brave for sharing and I'm thankful I took the time to read it all. You deserve good things coming to you, I hope you'll be able to feel better soon. Sending you lots of hugs and love

ps.. i'll take some sour gummy bears.. yummy

 

[Deleted member 23586]

Thank you so much for responding. Please please message me when you need. I really mean it. I feel like no one in this world gets me but people here. I really wish I knew some of you in real life. Life would be so much easier if we could just express ourselves truly without any filters. Sure life is great for some but some of us don't and won't have that opportunity. No one really responds when I send them a chat so maybe we can chat! I would love that. You have such a beautiful soul and personality. You are easily so lovable. Thank you for existing. You are brave and beautiful!

Thank you so much for everything. I will definitely take you up on that offer! I would love to speak with you. Your words hit me straight in the heart and I can't help but feel so good reading them! I wish I had more and better words to say. I can't express how amazing you've been to me. Thank you.

Oh my, I wish I could take away some of the pain you're going through.. No one deserves to go through so much and it really saddens me to see you struggle through it
The last thing you should do is apologize for posting here, you have all the right to do so and people will always be here to listen to you

I'm glad you had such a wonderful day but also sad you still felt that way at the end of the day. You seem to be such a caring person and it really warmed my heart knowing you care so much about people here, including me, who doesn't really know you haha. You're brave for sharing and I'm thankful I took the time to read it all. You deserve good things coming to you, I hope you'll be able to feel better soon. Sending you lots of hugs and love

ps.. i'll take some sour gummy bears.. yummy

Aww Omgness. Your message made me teary eyes. But I had to keep it together because I've been crying all damn day today and I'm so drained lol. But the difference is they've all been tears of appreciation and happiness. I definitely do care about you all. And I feel so damn weird saying that. I'm a mess haha. You're way too kind to me. Thank you so much for the love and hugs. I always need it. God damn it I'm crying again haha. Ok I'mma get myself together haha. Thanks love.

*gives you sour gummy bears and a juice box with a side of a huge mega hug*

 

[Silver]

Pink Midnight, I'm so sorry to read about your unhappiness and panic. I am glad you have found this site to vent on. You are welcome here.

 

[Deleted member 23586]

Pink Midnight, I'm so sorry to read about your unhappiness and panic. I am glad you have found this site to vent on. You are welcome here.

Thank you so very very much! I really do feel welcomed with you all here. *hugs and gummy worms*

 

[Sensei]

Don't apologize. One of the purposes of this community is to be a place for ranting and venting freely. If we can't do it here, then where?

 

[Deleted member 23586]

Don't apologize. One of the purposes of this community is to be a place for ranting and venting freely. If we can't do it here, then where?

Thank you so much hun. And you're totally right! I should apologize way less huh? Haha.

 

[ovaltinee99]

You are too precious for this world. Perhaps it's a good idea to should protect your energy. You're generous and experience emotions intensely - this can be quite tiring and people will wear you out. Please try to save your time and energy when you can. Not everyone will be worth it. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 23586]

You are too precious for this world. Perhaps it's a good idea to should protect your energy. You're generous and experience emotions intensely - this can be quite tiring and people will wear you out. Please try to save your time and energy when you can. Not everyone will be worth it. Hugs.

Tysm. And You're very right. It's one of the things that annoys me so much about myself. My feelings are so intense. And that wad confirmed this year due to a certain diagnosis that I suspected that I had and was confirmed. I'm trying my best. Thank you again ovaltinee