Hello guys, i just wanted to leave some words here about myself and E. I will probably ctb soon.
Since i was young, i always knew that i wasnt like the other people, i had a high intellectual potential and was extremely introvert and shy. When i was a child, my father was beating me with objects or locking me up in a room for the whole day for the slightest bad thing i would make. I remember once he was beating me so hard that i pissed myself of fear. Just so you know, i was like 6 or 7 at the time Because of this i was always scared of my dad and thinking that he hated me for some reason i didnt know. My parents were divorced so i was only living with my dad for the summer holidays, but, when i was ten my mother decided to sent me live with him for and undetermined period of time that i know now was two years. By the way, she was aware the situation with my dad. I wasnt ever sad or anything like that when she told me this, i was just shocked and in disbelief. During these two years i got bullied a lot at school, both physically and mentally. Basically everyone hated me and would take every opportunity to hurt, threat or mock me. Due to this i became even more scared of social interactions and became even more introvert and shy, and i never recovered from all this. I tried to tell my mom about the bullying, she never cared and was even making fun of me for crying when i told her (telling my dad wasnt even worth trying), i tried to seek help from the school teachers, director, everyone but despite their promises they never did anything. After all this i moved in another city I had to learn martial arts by myself so people would be intimidated enough to not try to harm me but the damage was done and everyone was seeing me as a weird guy due to how uncomfortable i was with people because of what happened before. Additionnaly, my grades which used to be great started to fall and my relations with my mom became even worse. She never cared about me and the only thing that interested her and gave me at least some value was how well i was doing in school, and i lost that interest. It disgusts me everytime i think about it. I thought i had a chance of being happy at some point, i got a girlfriend that seemed to genuinely love me, bullshit. She left me because she "needed some time alone". Figured out she just wanted another man.
Ive managed to deal with all this thanks to "Extase", who is just a fictional character i made myself when i was 13. No, she isnt just a fictionnal character, i am not going to describe her precisely would say that she is who i always wanted to be, someone pretty, attractive, at ease with people, good at fighting, with very good grades, the all effortlessly and with a cool and chill vibe. She doesnt need to take anything seriously, nor to be nervous. She is just here to enjoy her time alone and with her friends. No need to precise that she is the complete opposite of me both physically and psychologically. The only common point we share is our love for science and hugs.
So, whenever i feel bad i just lay in my bed and make scenarios in my head with myself being Extase. This is how i was able to cope, and these are the only moment i truly feel happy. Ive been in that "Extase" state for around 2000 hours, just so you can get an idea. But recently, things have been getting worse and even Extase isnt enough for me to feel better. Ive tried the methods of shifting and lucid dreaming to get a better immersion, but i am kind of immune to every form of mental influencing methods, even the self influencing methods. Now i just want to ctb, i have one friend that really cares about me, i hope she wont be too sad the day i die, so probably soon. Ive been hurt too much in my life, and so alone. I would do anything to just die and reincarnate as Extase in her world, far away from the life im living right now. But i know its impossible, im stuck down here and the day ill be free, there won't be anyone to remember Extase. Im sorry to die, Extase.
Since i was young, i always knew that i wasnt like the other people, i had a high intellectual potential and was extremely introvert and shy. When i was a child, my father was beating me with objects or locking me up in a room for the whole day for the slightest bad thing i would make. I remember once he was beating me so hard that i pissed myself of fear. Just so you know, i was like 6 or 7 at the time Because of this i was always scared of my dad and thinking that he hated me for some reason i didnt know. My parents were divorced so i was only living with my dad for the summer holidays, but, when i was ten my mother decided to sent me live with him for and undetermined period of time that i know now was two years. By the way, she was aware the situation with my dad. I wasnt ever sad or anything like that when she told me this, i was just shocked and in disbelief. During these two years i got bullied a lot at school, both physically and mentally. Basically everyone hated me and would take every opportunity to hurt, threat or mock me. Due to this i became even more scared of social interactions and became even more introvert and shy, and i never recovered from all this. I tried to tell my mom about the bullying, she never cared and was even making fun of me for crying when i told her (telling my dad wasnt even worth trying), i tried to seek help from the school teachers, director, everyone but despite their promises they never did anything. After all this i moved in another city I had to learn martial arts by myself so people would be intimidated enough to not try to harm me but the damage was done and everyone was seeing me as a weird guy due to how uncomfortable i was with people because of what happened before. Additionnaly, my grades which used to be great started to fall and my relations with my mom became even worse. She never cared about me and the only thing that interested her and gave me at least some value was how well i was doing in school, and i lost that interest. It disgusts me everytime i think about it. I thought i had a chance of being happy at some point, i got a girlfriend that seemed to genuinely love me, bullshit. She left me because she "needed some time alone". Figured out she just wanted another man.
Ive managed to deal with all this thanks to "Extase", who is just a fictional character i made myself when i was 13. No, she isnt just a fictionnal character, i am not going to describe her precisely would say that she is who i always wanted to be, someone pretty, attractive, at ease with people, good at fighting, with very good grades, the all effortlessly and with a cool and chill vibe. She doesnt need to take anything seriously, nor to be nervous. She is just here to enjoy her time alone and with her friends. No need to precise that she is the complete opposite of me both physically and psychologically. The only common point we share is our love for science and hugs.
So, whenever i feel bad i just lay in my bed and make scenarios in my head with myself being Extase. This is how i was able to cope, and these are the only moment i truly feel happy. Ive been in that "Extase" state for around 2000 hours, just so you can get an idea. But recently, things have been getting worse and even Extase isnt enough for me to feel better. Ive tried the methods of shifting and lucid dreaming to get a better immersion, but i am kind of immune to every form of mental influencing methods, even the self influencing methods. Now i just want to ctb, i have one friend that really cares about me, i hope she wont be too sad the day i die, so probably soon. Ive been hurt too much in my life, and so alone. I would do anything to just die and reincarnate as Extase in her world, far away from the life im living right now. But i know its impossible, im stuck down here and the day ill be free, there won't be anyone to remember Extase. Im sorry to die, Extase.
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