Venting I'm sorry for disappearing

[neenie]

Hi all

I have not been active on this site in a long time. I have not forgotten about you, and I am a terrible friend for just ghosting. No words can describe how truly sorry I am. Please know even though I haven't paid a visit in a while, you've been on my mind all the time. @whitetaildeer no mention of a deer or sorbet was left without a thought for you.

I wanted to take my life, had decided against it, and left the forum to avoid triggering myself. However despite my newfound will to live, genuine happiness, motivation, self esteem and balanced healthy lifestyle, suicidal thoughts kept following me. I have no idea why. I have genuinely turned my life around and actively wanted to live and pursue my goals. Having suicidal thoughts makes me sad, I do not want to have them and do not want to act on them, but they're getting more and more invasive and it's getting harder and harder to resist them. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am very reluctant to getting admitted to the hospital for very obvious reasons. I'm not sure yet whether I will catch the bus or not in the end, but I'm trying to keep myself from doing it before finishing a drawing I'd really like to finish (ironically the same one that kept me alive the first time).

Sorry for this mess of a text, I'm very tired and can't really structure my thoughts (also I was recently diagnosed with ADHD so there's that hehe)

 

[ke9]

This is actually funny but in a very human way. I wouldn't feel bad about abandoning anyone here, which we're all planning (or thinking about) doing anyway. When the thoughts creep in they are thick, at least for me. Kind of an addiction. It's Freud's old Thanatos, the death instinct. It kind of feeds on itself. Doesn't make it any easier, but what you say makes all the sense in the world.

 

[neenie]

This is actually funny but in a very human way. I wouldn't feel bad about abandoning anyone here, which we're all planning (or thinking about) doing anyway. When the thoughts creep in they are thick, at least for me. Kind of an addiction. It's Freud's old Thanatos, the death instinct. It kind of feeds on itself. Doesn't make it any easier, but what you say makes all the sense in the world.

Those are very comforting words, thank you

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, neenie. First off, I kinda wanna say 'glad to see you back', but for obvious reasons I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

So instead I'll say this: there is no shame at all in stepping away from this community, for any reason at all, if that's what you need to do for a time. A lot of people are here because they struggle with SI. A decent number are actively considering or exploring ways to ctb. Others, such as myself, are here because we want to be supportive and offer whatever care and comfort we can. But all of us, regardless of our reasons for being a part of this community, experience the heavy emotional toll that comes with just considering and being exposed to this subject matter on a daily basis. It's not for the faint of heart, and it can be exhausting or even debilitating.

If you've stepped away for a time in order to avoid triggering yourself or sparking an impulse you're not really ready to explore, that is absolutely understandable. I'd argue it's even necessary. It is very normal and even generally advised for people to step away if and when they need to in order to preserve their well being. Hell, I myself have stepped away, unannounced, for extended periods of time on multiple occasions. This very post that I ask typing right now is my first since returning from a hiatus of at least a couple of months.

This is an incredibly supportive community, and a big part of that support is the unspoken understanding that sometimes folks just need to leave, and an announcement or explanation for doing so is neither expected nor required. So don't go beating yourself up for that, okay? If you feel inclined to return and become active again, folks will just be glad to hear from you, whatever it means that you're here. :)



(Also: hello, fellow ADHD'er! Welcome to the club. It can suck sometimes, but we're genuinely glad you're here. You've got friends, believe me. xD)