Venting I'm so worn out I'm physically ill...

[luckycharms101]

This year has been something else.

• Got a new job in january, was bullied relentlessly by my boss until I finally quit in october
• My parents gave my grandfather with cancer who i was close to covid and he died

Since october...

• My damn therapist keeps rescheduling my appointments, I havent seen her in 2 months and she just recently rescheduled my appt for the 20th of this month to late february
• My psychiatrist made me stop taking my meds and since then I have become wildly depressed
• My new job was supposed to be full time and in the month I have been employed with them i have worked less than 100 hours
• My pets got fleas, so I spent money I dont have on treating them
• My dog has a yeast infection in both ears that I can't afford to treat because I spent all my money on the fleas
• My basement flooded and so i had to find a way to shell out $500 to get it fixed, wound up borrowing money from abusive parents
  • I then had to finish cleaning the septic waste in the basement myself and have been sick for days from the bleach fumes
  • we cannot use out heat because the HVAC is in the basement and has mold growing in it from the basement flooding
  • homeowners insurance refused to help us
• My water heater broke and we were quoted $2000 to get it fixed because they have to remove the asbestos that the previous owner (illegally) applied as insulation on one of the pipes, which we cant even sue her over because they can't fucking find her (this is NOT the first illegal issue we have found buried in the house)
  • thus i havent had a shower since it broke and have been boiling water to do dishes
• my parents gave me covid so i was sick on my birthday (i have had covid twice before then, and yes it was on my fucking birthday last year)
• I cracked my tooth and it would cost more money than i care to think about to get the tooth fixed, so i just have to let it rot out of my damn mouth
• My house escrow is going up $400 a month starting jan 1st and I literally dont have money to pay the bills I have now

How do people do it? Everyone keeps saying "oh yeah I have had bad months" but this feels extraordinarily bad. I cant sleep, I cant eat, I throw up constantly from the stress, my head hurts so much it feels like my eyes are gonna melt out of my head and I know if I could just take a hot shower I would feel better but I am not even able to do that! The only thing keeping me from ending it all right now is my partner and my animals but holy shit am I close.
I had another mental breakdown last night after my boss called me off for this entire week. I told her I am gonna lose my house and she said "not my problem." I have been hunting for jobs even since I first got this one because I need two jobs anyways to afford all the bills coming next month and I can't even get an interview anywhere.
I try to distract myself from all the problems but it just makes me feel more sick. I have no one to talk to because my partner is working 24/7 and I have no friends. I feel like the entire world is shoving its middle finger up my ass and theres not a damn thing I can do about it. The hardest part is that life has rarely ever been good to me. I have tried to have a positive attitude my entire life, putting positive energy into the world because I hate the idea that others are suffering as much as I am, is it too much to ask that a little bit come my way?

Honestly, maybe this is all easy shit I am blowing out of proportion, maybe this is a cakewalk for some people, I have no clue. All I know is that I don't think I am gonna make it another year.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. This life is so tiring. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[demuic]

That is a lot to go through and sounds very overwhelming. I don't think you're blowing things out of proportion.

Life seems to love to pile up problem after problem, as if to push us to our breaking point. It's worse when you can't seem to get a break. I'm sorry you're going through this.