Venting Im so tired

[hoppybunny]

I'm sick of myself. I want to die because I'm tired of being alive. I don't think the effort and stress required to be alive is something that can be ignore because of my ideal life.

I don't want much but at the same time what I'm asking for is impossible. I just want to have something that makes me go, I'm so happy I can live today again.

I'm certain I won't kill myself cause I'm scared of going to hell but I also am not willing to put in the effort required to be alive.

It really sucks cause other people have it so much worse and are able to want to live but here I am with a nice family, nice friends and honestly if I lost weight I wouldn't be ugly either. I know I shouldn't compare sufferings fundamentally but i can't help how envious and pathetic I get when I see people who are in much worse circumstances try their best.

I know I sound like a spoiled, shitty brat but that's just what I am unfortunately. I'm indecisive, impatient and a coward.


I hate my looks but I never put in the effort to work out. I say I want to try my best and guve it my all but I can't even fathom getting a job because I can't commit to a 9-5. I can't freelance cause I hate the uncertainty of how much money I'll have.

I don't go out cause I live in suburban he'll but I also hate cities, cause I hate the noise and the smoke and the smells.

I'm just a fragile houseplant that withers the moment it meets unideal situations.

An ideal life would be to live in a nice neighborhood where I could walk to the corner store and get my groceries. Go to the library if I wanted to read by just walking. My friends and family are just a walk, bike, bus or train away. I'd never have to drive. I would work from home as a comic artist and people would enjoy my work. There's lots of trees and nature. I wouldn't have to worry about racism or sexism or transportation or any of that bigotry. And then maybe I could meet a nice dude and have kids.

I know that's not possible which sucks. And my therapist told me I have to pick and choose what makes me happy but I don't see why I have to. I don't understand why I have to put in so much effort to not live my ideal life.

If someone told me that it was possible to have everything I wanted as long as I worked for it I'd gain the will to live in a heartbeat but I can't understand putting myself through such labor just to live a half assed life.

Idealy I would go to sleep and not wake up then I won't have to worry about moving out and becoming independent. I could just die right now and then I can not work or put in any effort and my parents won't have to keep wasting money to keep me alive.

Despite all this complaining I will try my best to get a job so I can move out by Oct 2026. I'll try living alone for a bit, 3 years maximum. By 2026 if I haven't gotten a job, or made it as an artist or found a reason to stay alive I'll most likely off myself.

If I succeed in figuring myself out then I'll wait till Oct 2029. By then I'll know for sure if my lack of a will to live is stronger than my fear of hell.

I just don't see how someone as picky and fussy as me can have a place in a society like ours. I'm always told to just bare with things cause life's not fair but that really sucks. I'm sorry if my reason for wanting to die is super trivial but it's just how I feel.

 

[yawasimas]

Hey, hello!
I kinda relate to what you wrote there, but there's one thing I just don't feel in the same way. I'm not scared c:

I still live with my parents and there's SO MUCH stuff that I don't know about the world, about how to interact with people or even how to get a good job (don't even know when i'm gonna find out what I really wanna put a lot of effort into), but I believe that what makes life so special is just how human we can be!
The stress, anxiety, unhappiness and even PAIN are just a part of a whole process that we all need to go through. The various types of depression and bipolar disorders, ADHD, OCD and a lot of other problems slow us down, but they still are a part of what we really are, and understand how to deal with them can make our lives much, much better.
But what exactly means to live (and have) a better life? To feel good about ourselfs, the people and things around us, the things we have or the way we wish they could be. Do we really need this?

The way I see this is that you're scared.
Scared of the way everything could be turned into. Never get what you want because you don't know what you want.
Life isn't a generic game where you jump through dialogues trying to guess what will happens next, and you can't even do that 'cause you're skipping EVERYTHING. And even if you tried, your nightmares wouldn't go away.

It doesn't need to be simple, neither perfect because that don't even exist.
What makes life so good to be experienced is that you have infinite worlds you come across every single day. And YOU ARE one of them.
There's no ideal life because when you finally realize what you really want - the person who you wanna be married with, the people that you don't wanna lose and the things that you achieved, you'll reliaze that there's nothing to be afraid of.
You don't need to do this alone. Find someone - anyone that you can find - to help you get out of your own head and see what's going so wrong. And specially to see the reason of what made you write an extremely desperate message that makes you want to abandon eveything that you already have.
And there's NOTHING wrong about it.
You might really need it. But not in this way.
And... if there's a hell, you already live one, but even the fire can be painless sometimes.

PS: i keep saying it everything i do this but... sorry if my english is bad right now ._. i'm practicing