I'm just so tired of everything. My children's father and I split up a year ago after being together for 18.5 years. He left me to take care of them. He does the bare minimum of what I asked from him. He was bringing another girl around my kids while he had them for awhile and not telling me about her. This goes against his own parenting plan that he made when he left, which said we couldn't bring new partners around the kids without the other parent meeting them. I don't know. It's been a huge punch in the gut since I found out he's been seeing someone else. A part of me wants to be happy for him, but another big part of me is turning inward and hating every fiber of my existence and wondering why I'm still single.
Being in a relationship scares me. About 5 months after he left, another guy wanted to be with me so bad. I didn't like him like he liked me. He was literally obsessed with me, but I really only liked him as a friend. One night we went out for dinner and drinks. We went back to his place and we ended up sleeping together. I didn't really want to, but I could tell that he really wanted it. My poor boundary skills let me down this night. There was so much sexual dysfunction.with him, I didn't even bother asking him to use protection. I couldn't believe that he came inside of me when he did. A part of me feels like he did it on purpose. I know it's my fault too. I didn't put too much worry into it because I've never gotten pregnant easily. Only twice in my life.
Fast forward to 1.5 weeks later. I started to get hunger pains everyday that's when I knew I was pregnant. Before I even took a test I knew. And sure enough, big fat positive pregnancy test. Could not believe it. At all. I actually stopped talking to him after we slept together because I was mad that it happened. I immediately scheduled an appointment for abortion right after the test. I called him the next day and told him about the test results. He came to talk to me that evening and voiced how excited he was to be having his first child and how against abortion he was. I didn't tell him about my appointment I scheduled already. He almost made me consider keeping it after talking to him for awhile. A few weeks went by. As my appointment date was coming up I told him about my decision to not keep it and the reasons why. He was not supportive of my decision at all. I'm not going to go through all of the reasons here, but I will say that I am still recovering from the nightmare of last year and I just don't need anything more on my plate. It wouldn't be fair to bring another baby into this fire. It still doesn't mean that it was an easy decision to make. My due date is coming up in 2 days and I just feel like a shit human being for making this decision. My 2 kids don't know. Nobody knows but him. It's been a lot to hold in. A few weeks after my appointment, I told him it was done and over with. He was so mad and immature about it. Basically was kicking me while I was on the floor. It was rough. I blocked all communication with him because he kept harassing me and being hurtful with his words. He didn't talk to me for like 6 months until the other day. He reminded me what a crap person I am for doing that to him and that he's never going to be able to have kids again. It felt like ripping a wound open again. I feel relieved that I don't have to have a child with him, but I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. Why did I have to be so dumb and end up k!lling something innocent?
My mom unexpectedly ended her life last year and it's been a struggle to want to continue to exist ever since. It was a total shock and still is. 6 months later was when my children's father left. I literally feel abandoned. I feel like no one wants me anymore. I'm scared to get attached to anyone because I don't see people as permanent in my life. I'm considering giving my 2 kids to their dad because I just can't do this anymore. My kids deserve much better than me. I project so much of my inner hurt towards them. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent as a child. Only as an adult. I feel guilty having these thoughts and I wish I had someone to talk to, but I truly feel alone in this world. I've already made a plan and I'm waiting for it to come together. I feel like nothing is going to stop me. I'm stuck and can't go on knowing that I k!lled something
Being in a relationship scares me. About 5 months after he left, another guy wanted to be with me so bad. I didn't like him like he liked me. He was literally obsessed with me, but I really only liked him as a friend. One night we went out for dinner and drinks. We went back to his place and we ended up sleeping together. I didn't really want to, but I could tell that he really wanted it. My poor boundary skills let me down this night. There was so much sexual dysfunction.with him, I didn't even bother asking him to use protection. I couldn't believe that he came inside of me when he did. A part of me feels like he did it on purpose. I know it's my fault too. I didn't put too much worry into it because I've never gotten pregnant easily. Only twice in my life.
Fast forward to 1.5 weeks later. I started to get hunger pains everyday that's when I knew I was pregnant. Before I even took a test I knew. And sure enough, big fat positive pregnancy test. Could not believe it. At all. I actually stopped talking to him after we slept together because I was mad that it happened. I immediately scheduled an appointment for abortion right after the test. I called him the next day and told him about the test results. He came to talk to me that evening and voiced how excited he was to be having his first child and how against abortion he was. I didn't tell him about my appointment I scheduled already. He almost made me consider keeping it after talking to him for awhile. A few weeks went by. As my appointment date was coming up I told him about my decision to not keep it and the reasons why. He was not supportive of my decision at all. I'm not going to go through all of the reasons here, but I will say that I am still recovering from the nightmare of last year and I just don't need anything more on my plate. It wouldn't be fair to bring another baby into this fire. It still doesn't mean that it was an easy decision to make. My due date is coming up in 2 days and I just feel like a shit human being for making this decision. My 2 kids don't know. Nobody knows but him. It's been a lot to hold in. A few weeks after my appointment, I told him it was done and over with. He was so mad and immature about it. Basically was kicking me while I was on the floor. It was rough. I blocked all communication with him because he kept harassing me and being hurtful with his words. He didn't talk to me for like 6 months until the other day. He reminded me what a crap person I am for doing that to him and that he's never going to be able to have kids again. It felt like ripping a wound open again. I feel relieved that I don't have to have a child with him, but I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. Why did I have to be so dumb and end up k!lling something innocent?
My mom unexpectedly ended her life last year and it's been a struggle to want to continue to exist ever since. It was a total shock and still is. 6 months later was when my children's father left. I literally feel abandoned. I feel like no one wants me anymore. I'm scared to get attached to anyone because I don't see people as permanent in my life. I'm considering giving my 2 kids to their dad because I just can't do this anymore. My kids deserve much better than me. I project so much of my inner hurt towards them. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent as a child. Only as an adult. I feel guilty having these thoughts and I wish I had someone to talk to, but I truly feel alone in this world. I've already made a plan and I'm waiting for it to come together. I feel like nothing is going to stop me. I'm stuck and can't go on knowing that I k!lled something
