Venting I'm so tired of being tired. Chronicles of being a disabled married woman.

[hopelessghost]

I'm tired of the chronic panic that never goes away and the fact that people "get used" to it so quickly, how it's just something you should carry in silence if you don't want to become a burden or "that person who's always negative/down"
I'm tired of the fatigue, of the eating disorder that's in the back of my mind dictating my every move, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm less and less of a woman as each day goes by.
My husband, who used to adore me, now treats me like I'm just his bro and is as romantic as a door handle. Never takes me out to do anything, barely talks to me when we're together, never asks how I'm feeling because he know I'm feeling like shit and probably doesn't feel like hearing about it.
My family pity me for all the pain and the hardships I face everyday, and that by itself makes me feel disgusting.
I can't accept that I'll never get flowers anymore, never have a romantic dinner or a love letter, never have someone looking at me with burning desire (even tho I'm actually very attractive and have a pin-up vintage style that men apparently really love), at least not at home. I have an open marriage (since day 1) but I can't find the will to go out and meet new people, I'm already buried trying to navigate life with a shit ton of work, debt and being disabled in a third world country.
I just feel like my body and mind weren't made to be alive for that long and I'm only 24, it should've probably ended when I tried it but I was only 13 and didn't knew how to do it right. Everytime I think about being alive till I'm 70 or smth, it makes me want to end it all right now.
I can't think of a single reason to stay alive besides the traditional "your family will be destroyed" type shit. Will I ever be alive because I actually enjoy it and want to? Does this shit get any better?

 

[doomedbynarrative]

Been at the disability game for over ten years now. There's moments I can enjoy for a little bit. Overall though... I don't know. It gets worse every year. Love is the only thing that has kept me here. I love a lot of people. Sometimes, if I have it in me to pray to anything or nothing, I pray for all living beings that are disabled that something/someone will rescue all of us someday.

 

[aRose]

You're telling my story huh. My husband became an annoying little brother type when I got sicker. It sucks but when you point it out they say naaaaw no never as if we can't tell things have changed. It's fucked

 

[hopelessghost]

You're telling my story huh. My husband became an annoying little brother type when I got sicker. It sucks but when you point it out they say naaaaw no never as if we can't tell things have changed. It's fucked

That's so fucking true. They talk like it's not a very visible change. Jesus Christ, I'm so tired I don't even point it out anymore, I just gave the fuck up

Been at the disability game for over ten years now. There's moments I can enjoy for a little bit. Overall though... I don't know. It gets worse every year. Love is the only thing that has kept me here. I love a lot of people. Sometimes, if I have it in me to pray to anything or nothing, I pray for all living beings that are disabled that something/someone will rescue all of us someday.

What's your disability if you don't mind me asking?
I have fibromyalgia and autism and I feel like it's getting worse every year too

 

[doomedbynarrative]

What's your disability if you don't mind me asking?
I have fibromyalgia and autism and I feel like it's getting worse every year too

I have MCAS, hypermobility that isn't EDS but still hurts pretty bad on occasion, dry eye disease, and progressive hearing loss with severe reactive tinnitus, AuDHD among other things... I can't say more cause some are a bit unique to me and I don't wanna get doxxed.

 

[hopelessghost]

I have MCAS, hypermobility that isn't EDS but still hurts pretty bad on occasion, dry eye disease, and progressive hearing loss with severe reactive tinnitus, AuDHD among other things... I can't say more cause some are a bit unique to me and I don't wanna get doxxed.

I'm so sorry you're going through that shit as well. I just wish it could disappear for all of us