Got home from work and I can't find it me to feed myself and it's making me want to die worse than I have in months. I used to tend so much more towards visible self harm and suicidal behavior almost as a cry for help, but I keep being met with the fact that there isn't enough help available for me.
Asking me to make multiple phone calls and figure out insurance and appointments and wait months and everything it requires to get help again is like asking me to do backflips. Taking myself to the hospital has never gotten me the help that I needed and I have no reason to believe it'd be any different if I did it again. I'm self harming less but I think it's because some part of me has given up on the idea that meaningful help actually exists, only the illusion of it.
I used to think if it was bad enough someone would step in and give me the care I need. That's been eroded with numerous times I've reached out to suicide chatlines to no response. I used to think if I couldn't bear it at least there was somewhere I could go, now I know I'll just be turned back out even more suicidal after missing work and racking up a bunch of bills. It's pointless. Either I'll kill myself or I won't but why make it known I'm suffering when I know it won't make any difference.
The only thing I'm scared of is I know I can't do this to my mom but sometimes it's so unbearable I feel like I won't be able to stop myself. I wish people could understand that if I killed myself it would almost be like someone else doing it, because it wouldn't be something I'd choose, rather something I can't stop from happening. I feel like I'm being pushed off a cliff, I just wish I could leave without ruining so many peoples lives. I can't be responsible for making someone else feel the way I do right now.
I always thought it was a guilt trip to say that when you kill yourself you just pass the pain onto your loved ones but that's really how it feels. When I think of my mom feeling like this it's the only thing that keeps me alive, as long as I stay alive the pain stays with me and noone else. I can bear it if only so someone else doesn't have to.
Asking me to make multiple phone calls and figure out insurance and appointments and wait months and everything it requires to get help again is like asking me to do backflips. Taking myself to the hospital has never gotten me the help that I needed and I have no reason to believe it'd be any different if I did it again. I'm self harming less but I think it's because some part of me has given up on the idea that meaningful help actually exists, only the illusion of it.
I used to think if it was bad enough someone would step in and give me the care I need. That's been eroded with numerous times I've reached out to suicide chatlines to no response. I used to think if I couldn't bear it at least there was somewhere I could go, now I know I'll just be turned back out even more suicidal after missing work and racking up a bunch of bills. It's pointless. Either I'll kill myself or I won't but why make it known I'm suffering when I know it won't make any difference.
The only thing I'm scared of is I know I can't do this to my mom but sometimes it's so unbearable I feel like I won't be able to stop myself. I wish people could understand that if I killed myself it would almost be like someone else doing it, because it wouldn't be something I'd choose, rather something I can't stop from happening. I feel like I'm being pushed off a cliff, I just wish I could leave without ruining so many peoples lives. I can't be responsible for making someone else feel the way I do right now.
I always thought it was a guilt trip to say that when you kill yourself you just pass the pain onto your loved ones but that's really how it feels. When I think of my mom feeling like this it's the only thing that keeps me alive, as long as I stay alive the pain stays with me and noone else. I can bear it if only so someone else doesn't have to.
