Venting Im so scared of the future I want to die already

[bloodandshavedhead]

I know as fucked up as it sounds, I don't want to live anymore, I'm scared of living now the fact that I actually have a future. I applied to multiple colleges (I'm a 18 year old still in high school/late birthday) and I don't know why but I just started crying and thought about how I'm actually going have to live. I'm so scared of the future I want to vomit, I'm not ready to graduate high school, I'm not ready to take on actual adult responsibilities, I want to cry because I'm scared. I'm scared I won't make it out alive, I don't know what to do with my life other than what people told me to do, I feel burnt out, tired and scared. I just want to crawl back into my mother's arms like the scared child I am, I'm scared, it feels like I'm drowning, I keep on crying. I wish I never been a high achieving student; I wish somewhere in another universe I never had a chance, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm angry I spent my youth studying for examinations instead of doing dumb shit with my friends, I wanted to experience broken bones, getting into a fight, stupid teenage messy relationships, instead of studying my ass off for exams, maybe it's the stress and the fact that it's past my regular program sleeping schedule but I can't do this.


I wasn't meant to live for this long and now that I have, I'm just standing there staring at the sky asking whatever is up there to give me a purpose and I keep on praying to it to give me some type of horrible disease like cancer. I wish that if I could, I would take away the cancer from everyone who wanted to live so I could die. I been trying to catch the bus since I was 8, but now I'm 18, nine attempts throughout eighteen years.

I hope the stress kills me

 

[kufajoy]

Very sorry for you. Wish you could breath a little freely without giving yourself much pressure. Hope you feel better soon

 

[OutOfThisBody]

I applied to multiple colleges ... and I don't know why but I just started crying and thought about how I'm actually going have to live. I'm so scared of the future I want to vomit, I'm not ready to graduate high school, I'm not ready to take on actual adult responsibilities, I want to cry because I'm scared. I'm scared I won't make it out alive, I don't know what to do with my life other than what people told me to do, I feel burnt out, tired and scared.

I felt the exact same way before I did my first year of college, like it was gonna be too hard to live by myself/with a roommate, have to feed myself, handle my own transportation, etc. But when I got to the dorm and stuff I felt like I really enjoyed the independence, and like I could have been living away from my parents for a long time by then. For some reason at first I was scared of taking buses in fear of getting lost or not knowing what I was doing, but after taking them regularly I'm fine with buses.

So all in all you should probably give it a try at least and see how you feel. The scary part about adult life is that nothing is for sure, including the future and jobs and stuff, but to get to the future you have to take that leap of faith, move to that city, apply for that job, etc.

sending good vibes

 

[itsgone2]

Wow. So young but you already see the reality.
If you stay, what if you don't go to uni? Or go for a chang to your current plan. A trade school. Police or fire. Something like that.