Help I’m So Scared I’m Going to CTB

[hailspark]

I've recently realized I don't want to die. But I'm going to do it and thats what scares me.
A few days ago I was so sure, I finished a letter (not a kind one, one where I told the people that made me this way how much I wanted to die because of how much they've fucked me up).

Today for the first time in years I was happy, and I am really scared by the idea that if I had gone through with it I wouldn't have had today. And I actually think those people might have cared, they would have been devastated. I feel so guilty, because I know it will come back no matter how badly I don't want it too.

It's easy for me to do, I have supplies and if the feeling comes back I know I'll do it. I really don't know what to do because I could be dead in a week and I don't want to die. I don't know when it will come back but I completely lose control, I see nothing but pain and I can't see that any of the good I had just experienced was good.

I can't explain it but I don't know what to do. If anyone has any tips or ideas because I'm really afraid, right now I'm actually happy and I know good things will come but if one bad thing triggers me I will ruin everything because I convince myself none of it was real.

 

[Praying 4 a Miracle]

My only bit of advice would be to focus on, and remember the happiness you feel/felt today. Guaranteed it's going to happen again, and maybe more often. There may even come a day in the not-too-distant-future, when the happiness will outweigh the pain. I can tell you from experience, you really don't want to miss out on that!

I had a lot of good years up until recently, and even just the memory of those years makes me want to hang in there. If there is even a chance of more good ones in the future, then I'm gonna keep on truckin'!

I really hope you do the same, and find the peace and happiness that we all deserve!

 

[Dot]

If ur deepr convictn = tht u d/ nt wn2 di thn wld sggest throwng awy ur mterials tht u wld us fr an implsve ctb

= gts 2 a stge whre u nd t/ protct urslf frm urslf

U cld also also mke a crsis pln s/ tht u hve pre-detrmnd stps t/ follw whn u recgnise thse feelngs comng bck

D/ u hve n.e1 wh/ u cld contct fr spport

Thre = lnk t/ crsis pln b-low

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